I'm at your feet,
Tears in my eyes,
Can't hold on,
Can't say good bye.
So tired of putting on this smile,
I know all I'll ever be to you,
Is the girl you wished,
You'd never loved.
Inside I died a million times for you,
The last pill in my hand,
and I'm slipping,
The edge crumbling beneath me.
In your arms she lays,
Whisper to her innocent words,
I long to hear,
You pushed me too far.
I'm standing on the edge of all I know,
Your name carved into the walls
I wished I could say it will be ok,
But I know this is my end.
Forever goodbye..
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Wulie!
Wow this ia beautiful. Well written!
I could feeling the pain and the emptiness when you can see death almost.
The loss, the pain, the love- I understand.
I loved the second stanza and the line ' inside I died a million times for you'..the essence of sacrifice is catchy.
However I am a little disappointed with you for putting your title in brackets [ ].
I hope you will continue writing more of this kind.
All the best!
Keep writing.
if cliche's were done like this more often, I wouldn't mind them nearly as much!
I must say, Wulie, this was one of your best...but no "[ ]"?!
The flow of this poem was just really good, although there was mispellings at parts, the flow just succeeded and made me not pay attention to all the flaws. The descriptive language that you used was great and this was just an awesome poem.
And I love the line mentioned above by CAG77, it just describes your feelings very well.
Well, first of all, this poem is indeed cliche to the max, the title itself gives that away.
Inside I died a million times for you
Oh wow. I loved this line.
The rest of the poem was so, so and I guess I can say I enjoyed it...just not really all that amazing. The title and the poem itelf just sounded like the same thing I've read over and over a million and one times.
Wu, any voice losing in this I couldn't catch...although this is coming from one of the poetry-challenged, still...it was pretty cool. No critique.
I agree.... is all I can say lol. thanks
Not to be sardonic, but this poem is overdone. I didn't see Wulie's voice come through in it at all. Instead, I heard the voice of kids from 11 to 18 whining about how bad their life is. C'mon, give it a rest. So the guy/girl you like doesn't like you back. Writing a poem about that is still pretty commonplace. Atop that, you only had a few good images in this piece. Nothing to awe at. I think you should break from writing for a day or two, as you've submitted something nearly everyday. Give your pen a rest, and your mind some time to think. Then let the poem write itself.
This was good! Very very good! Just one thing:
The second line here seems kind of cliché to me. It seems like I've read it a thousand times before in a thousand different poems (including mine, *ahem*). That's my only criticism, though, otherwise I think it's really fantabulous! Awesome job!
I like the changes you have made, very good!
I have changed it what do you think?
Don't say that!
Your a much better poet than me, I just want to see it improved! You gave it a damn well good try, and I hope to see more of your stuff in the future
Thank-you
Sorry I am not much of a writer, though I thought I would give it a try.
I'm not much of a poet critic, so bear with me, but I'll try...
Like this start. It flows well and I like repitition.
Nice. But maybe put a question mark on the last line. Also, I feel beyong and behind are quite similar in two adjacent lines. Perhaps change one of them to keep the variety of words?
I don't like the first line of this stanza, it seems to long and ungainly. Try shortening it to say, "I'm dying inside for your love", or something like that. Other than that it's good.
Same for this one. I find the first line too long. Maybe "You hold her close like with me" or something. Just try and cut one or two words off it.
I don't like the last line much, either, I'd cut out "falling, falling" as I don't feel it fits the style, and chnage it to something like "I've been pushed too far".
Love it. Favourite stanza. Well done.
Good poem overall, I enjoyed it, and it was a good read. However take a glance at some of the things I said and I think it will get even better!
Thanks, FS.