Young Writers Society

Hey Wulie!

Wow this ia beautiful. Well written!
I could feeling the pain and the emptiness when you can see death almost.
The loss, the pain, the love- I understand.
I loved the second stanza and the line ' inside I died a million times for you'..the essence of sacrifice is catchy.
However I am a little disappointed with you for putting your title in brackets [ ].
I hope you will continue writing more of this kind.

All the best!
Keep writing.

if cliche's were done like this more often, I wouldn't mind them nearly as much!

I must say, Wulie, this was one of your best...but no "[ ]"?!

The flow of this poem was just really good, although there was mispellings at parts, the flow just succeeded and made me not pay attention to all the flaws. The descriptive language that you used was great and this was just an awesome poem.

And I love the line mentioned above by CAG77, it just describes your feelings very well.

Well, first of all, this poem is indeed cliche to the max, the title itself gives that away.

Inside I died a million times for you

Oh wow. I loved this line.

The rest of the poem was so, so and I guess I can say I enjoyed it...just not really all that amazing. The title and the poem itelf just sounded like the same thing I've read over and over a million and one times.

Wu, any voice losing in this I couldn't catch...although this is coming from one of the poetry-challenged, still...it was pretty cool. No critique.

I agree.... is all I can say lol. thanks

Not to be sardonic, but this poem is overdone. I didn't see Wulie's voice come through in it at all. Instead, I heard the voice of kids from 11 to 18 whining about how bad their life is. C'mon, give it a rest. So the guy/girl you like doesn't like you back. Writing a poem about that is still pretty commonplace. Atop that, you only had a few good images in this piece. Nothing to awe at. I think you should break from writing for a day or two, as you've submitted something nearly everyday. Give your pen a rest, and your mind some time to think. Then let the poem write itself.

This was good! Very very good! Just one thing:

I'm standing on the edge of all I know
your name carved into my heart
I wished I could say it will be ok
but I know this is my end

I like the changes you have made, very good!

I have changed it what do you think?

Don't say that!

Your a much better poet than me, I just want to see it improved! You gave it a damn well good try, and I hope to see more of your stuff in the future

Thank-you
Sorry I am not much of a writer, though I thought I would give it a try.

I'm not much of a poet critic, so bear with me, but I'll try...

I'm at your feet
tears in my eyes
can't hold on
can't say good bye

so tired of putting on this smile
its becoming so hard
to hide behind this front
can you see beyond my mask

I'm dying inside only for you to love me
the last pill in my hand
and I'm slipping
the edge crumbling beneath me

You hold her close like you did me
whisper innocent words
I long to hear
falling, falling been pushed to far

I'm standing on the edge of all I know
your name carved into my heart
I wished I could say it will be ok
but I know this is my end