Published April 2, 2010
Will anyone
ever understand
what it's like
to try to look
like you're feeling alright
when everything's not?
Will anyone
ever understand
what it's like
to try to be
like everyone else?
Will anyone
every understand
what it's like
to feel like
an egg
who's fragile shell
will break with
just
one
word?
I guess nobody
will ever understand,
not in a million
centuries.
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Canary word: Present
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Ditto to what perdido said without the crappy bit
What you've mainly done is just asked a question. What will I carry after this? What will I carry on and tell my friends, "I have this cool Ywser buddy that wrote this awesome poem. Gargh! It's so deep... you need to read it!"
Also, million and centuries have a lot of 0's. This applies to all works of writing. I'm a superhero and I can run at 100 000 meters per hour! Huh? *Frowns* About the speed of your car on the highway with a 120km limit. Oh! Rather use tangible comparisons and common examples rather than strings of powers of tens. Millions of Centuries = 1 x 100^(10^6)???
No girl, if you're going to write about understanding look from every perspective, use italics to illustrate different perspectives. Get a very set scene. e.g There's been an accident. Will anyone understand the pain I'm feeling!? Can anyone understand the guilt I'm feeling!? All that.
I'd ditch the egg comparison: no one can actually understand it
Otherwise, this was flimsy-ish. Never settle for simply venting yourself. Vent against yourself and defend yourself. Explore what you're not feeling and all that other poetic stuff. Have fun
Fly On,
Hero
There is nothing in this poem that is not cliche. The only other devices you use is a simile (a crappy egg simile) and exaggeration (a million centuries) The whole thing is childish and if the point of this poem was to make people care, then you're intention is lost.
Here are my suggestions. read some poetry. Practice using sensory details, things that appeal to as many senses as possible. Use more nouns. Strong nouns and verbs will do the trick. Good luck.