Young Writers Society

Hello there, WW!

Here as requested.

I won't go nitpick everything because others have pretty covered up those errors already. Sorry in advance if there's any repetition going over here, I didn't have the time to pause and read other critiques; school stuffs.

First off, I just wanted to say that you need to take into consideration your reviewer's suggestions and corrections. There have been a lot of people who've corrected you from your mistakes and still, I couldn't see a slight change through it.

Okay, now let's go back. As far as I can see, this is a pretty good start. Though I feel this appears to be some sort of a cliche' story and you need to twist this up a little bit, so it wouldn't be too predictable and plainly written. The fact that this is short was because you tend to do the telling part instead of showing to us a part of your main character's perspective. Like show us her face crumpled into an angry expression, the people around her and many others.

However, I can see that you're struggling well when it comes to your dialogues and verb tenses, which is good, in my opinion. Flashback can give this story plot a little effect and it will also let the readers feel the connection between your MC and her ex-bestfriend. Also I feel like you're making Jojo slightly mysterious, which is wrong in my point of view, because she's the leading character here. You should introduce more of herself, okay?

The pace is average. So I think you don't need to worry about it. However, it seems rushed when Aly laughed at Jojo and then she feels guilty about it and then she starts to say that she can explain everything, something like that... which confuses me a bit.

Overall: I think this has a potential, just so you know, taking your critiques into an account will really help this piece better and I assure you of that. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hey hey ^^ Okay so you have quite a few reviews already which means I'm going to skip the nit-picks and go straight to some sectional advice.

Characterization

It's a little shoddy. No offense but there's nothing to hold JoJo out from any of the other three thousand people who get bullied on a day to day basis. We need to see more of what she's thinking, more of what she's going through. We need to know more about her. Maybe you could have her give us her opinion of each of the people at the popular table? If she wants to join them so much, surely she knows quite a bit about them or thinks she does.

Ask yourself what there is about JoJo which the reader will like? Currently it's possible to pity her but she seems quite flaky and is clearly not good in social situation, least popular girl in school. Basically, none of those other children like her so why should we? Where's her good qualities hiding? She's weak willed and quick to cry, she doesn't have a dark sense of humour or any sort of defense mechanism. It's your first chapter and if you don't give the reader a reason to find interest in your MC early on, they'll stop reading.

Descriptions

You've got a good setting: the cafeteria is a nice base to work with but try to describe it and the other students more. Currently your first chapter is so very short because you're missing some of the key elements of a text. Description really helps to pad things out and add an extra flavour to your writing. Think of the five senses when describing. What can be seen. Then what can be heard and how does it sound? Is a voice harsh or soft, confident or unsure? Does JoJo find the scrape of cutlery against lunch trays to be annoying or maybe even calming? Then smell. Does the food smell good or bad? Is the cafeteria air fresh or clammy? Next taste. Nice tasting food or dull, monotonous food? And finally touch. Are the chairs hard or do they sit on benches? Does she carry her tray out when she runs? Her bag which might bump against her bottom as she flees? Think about the minor details.

Plot

It's a little early to tell but as an initial scene, it's often not a good idea to choose something so common place. Wouldn't you rather begin with something that shows JoJo in a better light and introduces her properly before leading into this?


Not a bad start and I'll take a look at the next part,

Heather xx

Hello WritingWords! I'll go through the little nitpicks first. Oh, I don't know if you'd like to do this, but I was thinking of spacing out the paragraphs maybe a couple lines apart to make it less crowded. You don't have to if you don't want to, I'm just so used to the spaced out paragraphs.

#FF0000 ">Red= errors
Bold= Crap that I have to say
#4000FF ">Blue=What I like

WritingWords wrote:The #FF0000 ">cafetaria (It's cafeteria) was full of energetic kids that #FF0000 ">was (were) letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long. It smelled deiliciously of tater tots. #FF0000 ">Th (The)walls were plastered with lunch rules posters. Everyone seemed to be having fun, except JoJo. She sat alone at a table in the corner, and people walked past her without noticing that she was even there. Everyone fit into some sort of group, except JoJo. She longed to be a Popular, having everyone else admire her every move.
JoJo focused on one particular Popular, her ex-best friend, Aly. She remembered when Aly would go to JoJo's house everyday after school to talk about recent school stuff (like boys)and hang out. They would sit on the porch swing and just gaze and laugh as the sun #FF0000 ">goes I think you should put 'went') down. JoJo sighed. She shouldn't be wasting her time thinking about the past. After all, these good times are long gone, and Aly is a Popular now. Aly would never want to hang out with a class dork now.
JoJo saw Aly come toward her table with her new best friend, Julie. They were trying to not to laugh out loud, but not really succeeding. They sat down at JoJo's table.
"Heyyy. #FF0000 ">Where's your friends? Do they not want to sit with you?" asked Julie, trying not to smirk.

The 'where's' kind of bothered me... maybe put 'where are'.

Hi WW

Sarebear here, thanks for reviewing my stuff, here's a review for you as requested!

First of all, nitpicks:

JoJo looked over at the table of the "Populars".

The cafetaria was full of energetic kids that was letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long.

Th walls were plastered with lunch rules posters.

They would sit on the porch swing and just gaze and laugh as the sun goes down.

After all, these good times are long gone, and Aly is a Popular now.

She twisted her arm of out Aly's grasp and ran out of the cafetaria, sobbing with her heart breaking.

Hey there WW!

Right, I agree with most of what people have already said about the overused theme. I can't count the number of books and movies on my hands and feet that have revolved around this theme. That being said, there is nothing wrong with using a well known theme. The ancient Greeks would keep having the same plays performed, even though everyone knew the story by heart! The trick is to put your own personal spin on a well known theme. Make the setting/outcome/groups different. off the top of my skull - maybe the geeks are the popular group, and everyone wants to be like them. From actual stories, maybe the kids are all superheroes/sidekicks in training (Sky High) or some of the students are vampires (Twilight). see what I mean? same high school theme, with a twist. Find your twist

On the up side, you have some raw talent that just needs to be refined. I'm glad you're working on that here! I really felt the pain JoJo was going through from the way you expressed it. everyone has felt like an outcast at some point, (yeah even the popular kids - they might have it worse actually. You captured that with the way that Aly felt trapped - she felt she couldn't respond the way she really wanted to) which is why we all can relate to this story. another angle you could try is comparing the suffering of "popular" kids and "outcasts". They suffer differently, but just as deeply. none are comfortable with who they are.

By the way, if this is based on personal experiences, don't worry, high school is just a phase that you have to get past. All the cliques and mean crap disappears by university. You can be who you are and no one cares! They're all either trying to pass some course or party till their eyes pop out. If you don't get along with someone, go to the other end of campus, simple as that

Heya writingwords,
shubhiloves2write suggested that I check this out, so here I am.

#FF0000 ">Red = Corrections
#0000FF ">Blue = What I like
Bold = My comments

Chapter 1
JoJo looked over at the table of the "Populars". They seemed like they were having such a great time, laughing at each other's gossip about other people. They might even be talking about JoJo herself. JoJo kept telling herself to ignore them.
Now this beginning was okay, but nothing more really. The first few lines of a story are very important; they're what pulls the reader in. Make the reader interested or wonder what's going to happen.

It was lunchtime at Harris Middle School. The cafetaria was full of energetic kids that #FF0000 ">were letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long. It smelled deiliciously of tater tots. Th walls were plastered with lunch rules posters. Everyone seemed to be having fun, except #FF0000 ">for JoJo. She sat alone at a table in the corner, and people walked past her without noticing that she was even there. #0000FF ">Everyone fit into some sort of group, except JoJo. She longed to be a Popular, having everyone else admire her every move. It's good that you express your MC's thoughts and feelings here.

JoJo focused on one particular Popular, her ex-best friend, Aly. She remembered when Aly would go to JoJo's house everyday after school to talk about recent school stuff #FF0000 ">(like boys) I'm not a fan of brackets. Maybe you could replace them with commas or something?and hang out. They would sit on the porch swing and just gaze and laugh as the sun #FF0000 ">went down. JoJo sighed. She shouldn't be wasting her time thinking about the past. After all, th#FF0000 ">ose good times are long gone, and Aly is a Popular now. Aly would never want to hang out with a class dork now.
JoJo saw Aly come toward her table with her new best friend, Julie. They were trying #FF0000 ">to not to laugh out loud, but not really succeeding. They sat down at JoJo's table.
"Heyyy. Where's your friends? Do they not want to sit with you?" asked Julie, trying not to smirk.
JoJo looked over at Aly, silently pleading for help. Aly looked into her eyes, but turned away, not saying anything.
"Oh, wait, you don't have friends!"Julie said loudly. She turned to Aly and started to laugh. Aly joined in, a little reluctantly.
Everyone surrounding the table turned around and started laughing with them.
Someone called out from the Populars' table,"Even Nerdy Ned has a friend!"
This only made everyone laugh harder. Soon, everyone started to chant,"No-Friend JoJo, No-Friend JoJo!"
JoJo felt her eyes brimming with tears. Out of her rapidly blurring vision, she saw Aly laughing with them. How could she?
JoJo got up so fast that her chair fell over. She grabbed her backpack and started to push her way through the crowd that was forming around her. She didn't know where to go, but she just wanted to get out of here. Now, the Populars started another chant, "Crybaby JoJo, Crybaby JoJo!" She clenched her teeth with anger. She couldn't believe how mean they could be.
As she pushed through, a hand grabbed her arm. JoJo saw Aly in the corner of her eye, looking guilty.
"Wait, JoJo! I can explain!" JoJo was too angry to forgive anyone, especially not Aly. She twisted her arm of out Aly's grasp and ran out of the cafetaria, sobbing with her heart breaking.

Hi WritingWords. I had meant to do the review earlier but just couldn't. But I am finally here now.
Lets look at the nit-picks:(I will color whatever I like with green)

JoJo looked over at the table of the "Populars". They seemed like they were having such a great time, laughing at each other's gossip about other people. They might even be talking about JoJo herself#00BF00 ">This word makes me think that JoJo is also involved in the gossiping. JoJo kept telling herself to ignore them.
It was lunchtime at Harris Middle School. The cafetaria was full of energetic kids #FF0000 ">that was letting out their energy I know what you mean by this but the sentence formation is not at all right. Try this:The cafeteria was full of energetic kids, who had gained it by sitting gfrom sitting in desks so long. It smelled deiliciously of tater tots. Th#FF0000 ">e walls were #00BF00 ">plastered with lunch rules posters. Everyone seemed to be having fun, except JoJo. She sat alone at a table in the corner, and people walked past her without noticing that she was even there. Everyone fit into some sort of group, except JoJo. She longed to be a Popular, having everyone else admire her every move.
JoJo focused on one particular Popular, her ex-best friend, Aly. She remembered when Aly would go #FF0000 ">come to JoJo's house everyday after school to talk about recent school stuff (like boys)and hang out. They would sit on the porch swing and just gaze and laugh as the sun goes #FF0000 ">went down. JoJo sighed. She shouldn't be wasting her time thinking about the past. #00BF00 ">After all, these good times are long gone, and Aly is a Popular now. Aly would never want to hang out with a class dork now.
JoJo saw Aly come toward#FF0000 ">s her table with her new best friend, Julie. They were trying to not to laugh out loud, but #FF0000 ">were not really succeeding. They sat down at JoJo's table.
"Heyyy. Where's your friends? Do they not want to sit with you?" asked Julie, trying not to smirk.
JoJo looked over at Aly, silently pleading for help. Aly looked into her eyes, but turned away, not saying anything.
"Oh, wait, you don't have friends!"Julie said loudly. She turned to Aly and started to laugh. Aly joined in #FF0000 ">too, a little reluctantly.
Everyone surrounding#FF0000 ">around the table turned around and started laughing with them.
Someone called out from the Populars' table,"Even Nerdy Ned has a friend!"
This only made everyone laugh harder. Soon, everyone started to chant,"No-Friend JoJo, No-Friend JoJo! #FF0000 ">Friendless JoJo#FF0000 ">!"
#00BF00 ">JoJo felt her eyes brimming with tears. Out of her rapidly blurring vision, she saw Aly laughing with them. How could she?
JoJo got up so fast that her chair fell over. She grabbed her backpack and started to push her way through the crowd that was forming around her. She didn't know where to go, but she just wanted to get out of here. Now, the Populars started another chant, "Crybaby JoJo, Crybaby JoJo!" She clenched her teeth with #FF0000 ">in anger. She couldn't believe how mean they could be.
As she pushed through, a hand grabbed her arm. JoJo saw Aly in #FF0000 ">from the corner of her eye, looking guilty.
"Wait, JoJo! I can explain!" JoJo was too angry to forgive anyone, especially not Aly. She twisted her arm of out#FF00BF ">(swap these two words) Aly's grasp and ran out of the cafetaria, sobbing with her heart breaking.

#000040 ">Hey, Its KitxKat, or Kit. Really. Kit. I'm just review this for you. I don't usually write anything down, I use different colors. Purple for general comments and red for grammatical mistakes.
~Kit.
JoJo looked over at the table of the "Populars". They seemed like they were having such a great time, laughing at each other's gossip about other people. They might even be talking about JoJo herself. JoJo kept telling herself to ignore them. #400080 ">I don't think you should use her name some many times in the first paragraph
It was lunchtime at Harris Middle School. The cafetaria was full of energetic kids that was letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long. It smelled deiliciously of tater tots. Th walls were plastered with lunch rules posters. Everyone seemed to be having fun, except JoJo. She sat alone at a table in the corner, and people walked past her without noticing that she was even there. Everyone fit into some sort of group, except JoJo. She longed to be a Popular, having everyone else admire her every move.
JoJo focused on one particular Popular, her ex-best friend, Aly. She remembered when Aly would go to JoJo's house everyday after school to talk about recent school stuff (like boys)and hang out. They would sit on the porch swing and just gaze and laugh as the sun goes down. JoJo sighed. She shouldn't be wasting her time thinking about the past. After all, these good times are long gone, and Aly is a Popular now. Aly would never want to hang out with a class dork now.#0000FF ">You do not need so many Italics. Italics are only used to emphasis words.
JoJo saw Aly come toward her table with her new best friend, Julie. They were trying to not to laugh out loud, but not really succeeding. They sat down at JoJo's table.
"Heyyy. Where's your friends? Do they not want to sit with you?" asked Julie, trying not to smirk.
JoJo looked over at Aly, silently pleading for help. Aly looked into her eyes, but turned away, not saying anything.
"Oh, wait, you don't have friends!"Julie said loudly. She turned to Aly and started to laugh. Aly joined in, a little reluctantly.
Everyone surrounding the table turned around and started laughing with them.
Someone called out from the Populars' table,"Even Nerdy Ned has a friend!"
This only made everyone laugh harder. Soon, everyone started to chant,"No-Friend JoJo, No-Friend JoJo!"
JoJo felt her eyes brimming with tears. Out of her rapidly blurring vision, she saw Aly laughing with them. How could she?
JoJo got up so fast that her chair fell over. She grabbed her backpack and started to push her way through the crowd that was forming around her. She didn't know where to go, but she just wanted to get out of here. Now, the Populars started another chant, "Crybaby JoJo, Crybaby JoJo!" She clenched her teeth with anger. She couldn't believe how mean they could be.
As she pushed through, a hand grabbed her arm. JoJo saw Aly in the corner of her eye, looking guilty.
"Wait, JoJo! I can explain!" JoJo was too angry to forgive anyone, especially not Aly. She twisted her arm of out Aly's grasp and ran out of the cafetaria, sobbing with her heart breaking.[/quote]

#000040 ">All in all, its a tad cliched. We've seen many teenage novels that go for the whole 'popular/unpopular' thing. Go for something original!

Hey WritingWords, here as you requested.

Plot:
Okay, this idea so overdone. The whole high-school issues theme is much too common, but if it's just a quick insight into your skills, then I guess I don't have a problem with it.

Characters:
I love how you describe their actions, and not just stating how they feel! I find myself constantly having to tell writers off when they write "He felt sad" instead of "his eyes teared up". It's obvious Aly feels some regret. It's obvious JoJo loathes Julie. Great job here!

Nitpicks:

The walls were plastered

The cafeteria was full of energetic kids that was letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long.

Hey Writing!

Okay, I'll look into your work. My nit picks will be in red and I shall give overall comments at the end of it. (:

WritingWords wrote:Chapter 1


JoJo looked over at the table of the "Populars". They seemed like they were having such a great time, laughing at each other's gossip about other people. They might even be talking about JoJo herself. JoJo kept telling herself to ignore them.
It was lunchtime at Harris Middle School. The cafeteria#BF0040 ">(Spelling, dear.) was full of energetic kids that was letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long. Everyone seemed to be having fun, except JoJo. She sat alone at a table in the corner, and people walked past her without noticing that she was even there. Everyone fit into some sort of group, except JoJo. She longed to be a Popular#BF0040 ">(Persoanlly, I'm not big on capitalizing 'populars.' It seems to give them a little too much of importance. I would suggest you mellow it down by saying she wanted to be one of them.) , having everyone else admire her every move.
JoJo focused on one particular Popular, her ex-best friend, Aly. She remembered when Aly would go to JoJo's house everyday after school to talk about random stuff and hang out. #BF0040 ">(You could write a little on what they would talk about instead of saying random stuff. Like say once, they spoke about something and another day, something else. They would sit on the porch swing and just gaze and laugh as the sun goes down. JoJo sighed. She shouldn't be wasting her time thinking about the past. After all, these good times are long gone, and Aly is a Popular now. Aly would never want to hang out with a class dork now.#BF0040 ">(The previous sentence and this sentence have 'now' in it. I would suggest modifying one, so that it sounds better to read.
JoJo saw Aly come toward her table with her new best friend, Julie. They were trying to not to laugh out loud, but not really succeeding.#BF0040 ">(When you say trying, it implies they aren't really succeeding. This is a just a minor issue. ) They sat down at JoJo's table.
"Heyyy. Where's your friends? Do they not want to sit with you?" said Julie, trying not to smirk.
JoJo looked over at Aly, silently pleading for help. Aly looked into her eyes, but turned away, not saying anything.
"Oh, wait, you don't have friends!"Julie said loudly. She turned to Aly and started to laugh. Aly joined in, a little reluctantly.
Everyone surrounding the table turned around and started laughing with them.
Someone called out from the Populars' table,"Even Nerdy Ned has a friend!"
This only made everyone laugh harder. Soon, everyone started to chant,"No-Friend JoJo, No-Friend JoJo!"
JoJo felt her eyes brimming with tears. Out of her rapidly blurring vision, she saw Aly laughing with them. How could she?
JoJo got up so fast that her chair fell over. She grabbed her backpack and started to push her way through the crowd that was forming around her. She didn't know where to go, but she just wanted to get out of here. Now, the Populars started another chant, "Crybaby JoJo, Crybaby JoJo!" She clenched her teeth with anger. She couldn't believe how mean they could be.
As she pushed through, a hand grabbed her arm. JoJo saw Aly in the corner of her eye, looking guilty.
"Wait, JoJo! I could explain!#BF0040 ">(Can sounds better here, than could.)" JoJo was too angry to forgive anyone, especially not Aly. She twisted her arm of out Aly's grasp and ran out of the cafeteria, sobbing with her heart breaking.

Hi, WritingWords! Sachi, here, at your service!

Okay, right off the bat. You mention the main character's name a lot. This repetition gets incredibly boring after a while. Mix it up! Throw in some shes and hers.

You also seem to bebop around with tenses. You start off with past tense and then go to first and shoot back into third. It's very confusing. Find a tense and stick with it.

"Heyyy. Where's your friends? Do they not want to sit with you?" said Julie, trying not to smirk.

"Wait, JoJo! I could explain!"

This is how it is from middle school through high school, sadly you have the populars, nerds, emos and everything else- been there done that. This was okay, except for a few mistakes, but nothing to have a heart attack over- just reread over your story and fix them. Anyways, thank you for the read.

This is really good. A few mistakes, but nothing horrid. I really like this idea although it's been used many times. (two girls used to be friends, one becomes popular and the other isn't. etc) but i still like it.

Hey, names Atticus.
I know you really didn't look over this again to make corrections so I won't point them out. One thing I will though is you continuously repeat Jojo's name. At some points the reader will already know who you are referring to. So try to cut back on that just a little. I say that because I don't know if that's just the style you were going for in this story. And give me more about feeling and examples of how close Jojo and Aly used to be. Paint me a more vivid picture in other words.

But over all this story was pretty good for just a few random ideas and not going back to correct the mistakes. I liked it and wouldn't mind reading more.