Published April 20, 2010
Tell me what you think! I just had random ideas everyday and I make it into a short story. Wrote this without any revisions! Hope you guys like it, and tell me if I should continue. I am a beginner writer, so thank you for any suggestions!
Chapter 1
JoJo looked over at the table of the "Populars". They seemed like they were having such a great time, laughing at each other's gossip about other people. They might even be talking about JoJo herself. JoJo kept telling herself to ignore them.
It was lunchtime at Harris Middle School. The cafetaria was full of energetic kids that was letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long. It smelled deliciously of tater tots. Th walls were plastered with lunch rules posters. Everyone seemed to be having fun, except JoJo. She sat alone at a table in the corner, and people walked past her without noticing that she was even there. Everyone fit into some sort of group, except JoJo. She longed to be a Popular, having everyone else admire her every move.
JoJo focused on one particular Popular, her ex-best friend, Aly. She remembered when Aly would go to JoJo's house everyday after school to talk about recent school stuff (like boys)and hang out. They would sit on the porch swing and just gaze and laugh as the sun goes down. JoJo sighed. She shouldn't be wasting her time thinking about the past. After all, these good times are long gone, and Aly is a Popular now. Aly would never want to hang out with a class dork now.
JoJo saw Aly come toward her table with her new best friend, Julie. They were trying to not to laugh out loud, but not really succeeding. They sat down at JoJo's table.
"Heyyy. Where's your friends? Do they not want to sit with you?" asked Julie, trying not to smirk.
JoJo looked over at Aly, silently pleading for help. Aly looked into her eyes, but turned away, not saying anything.
"Oh, wait, you don't have friends!"Julie said loudly. She turned to Aly and started to laugh. Aly joined in, a little reluctantly.
Everyone surrounding the table turned around and started laughing with them.
Someone called out from the Populars' table,"Even Nerdy Ned has a friend!"
This only made everyone laugh harder. Soon, everyone started to chant,"No-Friend JoJo, No-Friend JoJo!"
JoJo felt her eyes brimming with tears. Out of her rapidly blurring vision, she saw Aly laughing with them. How could she?
JoJo got up so fast that her chair fell over. She grabbed her backpack and started to push her way through the crowd that was forming around her. She didn't know where to go, but she just wanted to get out of here. Now, the Populars started another chant, "Crybaby JoJo, Crybaby JoJo!" She clenched her teeth with anger. She couldn't believe how mean they could be.
As she pushed through, a hand grabbed her arm. JoJo saw Aly in the corner of her eye, looking guilty.
"Wait, JoJo! I can explain!" JoJo was too angry to forgive anyone, especially not Aly. She twisted her arm of out Aly's grasp and ran out of the cafetaria, sobbing with her heart breaking.
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hello there, WW!
Here as requested.
I won't go nitpick everything because others have pretty covered up those errors already. Sorry in advance if there's any repetition going over here, I didn't have the time to pause and read other critiques; school stuffs.
First off, I just wanted to say that you need to take into consideration your reviewer's suggestions and corrections. There have been a lot of people who've corrected you from your mistakes and still, I couldn't see a slight change through it.
Okay, now let's go back. As far as I can see, this is a pretty good start. Though I feel this appears to be some sort of a cliche' story and you need to twist this up a little bit, so it wouldn't be too predictable and plainly written. The fact that this is short was because you tend to do the telling part instead of showing to us a part of your main character's perspective. Like show us her face crumpled into an angry expression, the people around her and many others.
However, I can see that you're struggling well when it comes to your dialogues and verb tenses, which is good, in my opinion. Flashback can give this story plot a little effect and it will also let the readers feel the connection between your MC and her ex-bestfriend. Also I feel like you're making Jojo slightly mysterious, which is wrong in my point of view, because she's the leading character here. You should introduce more of herself, okay?
The pace is average. So I think you don't need to worry about it. However, it seems rushed when Aly laughed at Jojo and then she feels guilty about it and then she starts to say that she can explain everything, something like that... which confuses me a bit.
Overall: I think this has a potential, just so you know, taking your critiques into an account will really help this piece better and I assure you of that. PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
Hey hey ^^ Okay so you have quite a few reviews already which means I'm going to skip the nit-picks and go straight to some sectional advice.
Characterization
It's a little shoddy. No offense but there's nothing to hold JoJo out from any of the other three thousand people who get bullied on a day to day basis. We need to see more of what she's thinking, more of what she's going through. We need to know more about her. Maybe you could have her give us her opinion of each of the people at the popular table? If she wants to join them so much, surely she knows quite a bit about them or thinks she does.
Ask yourself what there is about JoJo which the reader will like? Currently it's possible to pity her but she seems quite flaky and is clearly not good in social situation, least popular girl in school. Basically, none of those other children like her so why should we? Where's her good qualities hiding? She's weak willed and quick to cry, she doesn't have a dark sense of humour or any sort of defense mechanism. It's your first chapter and if you don't give the reader a reason to find interest in your MC early on, they'll stop reading.
Descriptions
You've got a good setting: the cafeteria is a nice base to work with but try to describe it and the other students more. Currently your first chapter is so very short because you're missing some of the key elements of a text. Description really helps to pad things out and add an extra flavour to your writing. Think of the five senses when describing. What can be seen. Then what can be heard and how does it sound? Is a voice harsh or soft, confident or unsure? Does JoJo find the scrape of cutlery against lunch trays to be annoying or maybe even calming? Then smell. Does the food smell good or bad? Is the cafeteria air fresh or clammy? Next taste. Nice tasting food or dull, monotonous food? And finally touch. Are the chairs hard or do they sit on benches? Does she carry her tray out when she runs? Her bag which might bump against her bottom as she flees? Think about the minor details.
Plot
It's a little early to tell but as an initial scene, it's often not a good idea to choose something so common place. Wouldn't you rather begin with something that shows JoJo in a better light and introduces her properly before leading into this?
Not a bad start and I'll take a look at the next part,
Heather xx
Hello WritingWords! I'll go through the little nitpicks first. Oh, I don't know if you'd like to do this, but I was thinking of spacing out the paragraphs maybe a couple lines apart to make it less crowded. You don't have to if you don't want to, I'm just so used to the spaced out paragraphs.
Red= errors
Bold= Crap that I have to say
Blue=What I like
Overall it was a really cool story. I'd like to read more. Keep up the great work!
Hi WW
if you are going to continue to use the word Populars in this way, no need to put it in quotes. They are Populars, not "Populars"Sarebear here, thanks for reviewing my stuff, here's a review for you as requested!
First of all, nitpicks:
you meant: "The cafeteria (spelling) was full of energetic kids who were letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long.
it should be "The walls" also, "Plastered with lunch rules posters" is awkward. Try "Plastered with posters bearing school lunch rules" or something like that.
you meant "as the sun went down." Try not to slip out of past tense if that's what you're using.
again, tense issues: "After all, those good times were long gone, and Aly was a Popular now.
sobbing, with her heart breaking
I like your writing style. The story is slightly clicheed. I would also make it longer, if that is the whole of chapter 1. The whole teasing scene is a bit overused- 'Nerdy Ned' sounds a bit odd.
So, in recap, you need to fix some errors, write some more, rework parts, and keep writing!
I like your style, sorry if this review is a bit harsh.
Sarebear
Hey there WW!
Right, I agree with most of what people have already said about the overused theme. I can't count the number of books and movies on my hands and feet that have revolved around this theme. That being said, there is nothing wrong with using a well known theme. The ancient Greeks would keep having the same plays performed, even though everyone knew the story by heart! The trick is to put your own personal spin on a well known theme. Make the setting/outcome/groups different. off the top of my skull - maybe the geeks are the popular group, and everyone wants to be like them. From actual stories, maybe the kids are all superheroes/sidekicks in training (Sky High) or some of the students are vampires (Twilight). see what I mean? same high school theme, with a twist. Find your twist
On the up side, you have some raw talent that just needs to be refined. I'm glad you're working on that here! I really felt the pain JoJo was going through from the way you expressed it. everyone has felt like an outcast at some point, (yeah even the popular kids - they might have it worse actually. You captured that with the way that Aly felt trapped - she felt she couldn't respond the way she really wanted to) which is why we all can relate to this story. another angle you could try is comparing the suffering of "popular" kids and "outcasts". They suffer differently, but just as deeply. none are comfortable with who they are.
By the way, if this is based on personal experiences, don't worry, high school is just a phase that you have to get past. All the cliques and mean crap disappears by university. You can be who you are and no one cares! They're all either trying to pass some course or party till their eyes pop out. If you don't get along with someone, go to the other end of campus, simple as that
Heya writingwords,
shubhiloves2write suggested that I check this out, so here I am.
Red = Corrections
Blue = What I like
Bold = My comments
Overall
This was okay! Not the best I've read but definitely not the worst either. My main problem is that you tend to rush things without being very descriptive. The story itself is also kind of cliche. You know; the unpopular kid getting bullied by the popular kids, one of whom is her ex best friend. You also need to express JoJo's feelings a bit more. I highlighted a part in blue where you did that, and it was good!
Now, as for the descriptions. I'm not asking you to fill your story with a pile of annoying, clumpy descriptions. What you need to do is add little snippets of description here and there. It was good when you described the cafeteria, you need to do more of that! For example, what's more interesting?
The wind was blowing and it was raining a bit. It was really quiet. I stared at the waves that were crashing against the rocks and the sand. I didn't like it.
The wind gently wrapped itself around my body as crystal raindrops fell from the grey sky. There was nothing to be heard but a calm silence; so different to the heart that beat painfully inside of me. I stared at the clear waves that crashed against the large rocks and the yellow sand. It was as though the ocean was slowly swallowing up the world; and nothing could even try to stop it.
The second one, right? Using descriptions also makes your story longer, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing; it's a matter of opinion really. It's mostly important because it brings life to the story, it creates imagery so that you can see what's going on in your head.
When it comes to your story being a bit on the cliche side, this isn't a massive problem. In my opinion, cliche is fine as long as you make it original somehow. Take a damsel in distress and a brave knight. The brave knight rescues the damsel in distress; that's cliche. The brave knight finds the damsel in distress but it turns out that she's really a dude and wants to take over the world. The brave knight then has to kill the damsel with the help of his talking horse, Daniel; that isn't cliche. What I'm saying is that you can take a cliche idea and turn it into the most original idea ever! If you can do this with your story then well done to you.
Expressing your MC's feelings can be quite hard, especially when you're writing in third person. You haven't done this too badly, to be honest. I think that you just need to do it a bit more, especially considering the situation JoJo is in. I mean, she's being taunted and being bullied; she must be full of emotion. You need to make the reader feel what JoJo is feeling. Is she angry, upset, confused, jealous, guilty even? By using an unexpected emotion, the story actually becomes more interesting. Guilty, for example. Maybe you could describe how she thinks that being so uncool is her fault. If she hadn't let Aly go so easily, they'd still be best friends. She blames herself for the way she's treated. She should be cooler, she should be prettier, more interesting. JoJo feels guilty because she let herself become like this. Do you get what I mean? Using an unexpected emotion can be very effective!
Negatives aside, I can see that you definitely have potential. What I'm most impressed with is your grammar; it's pretty much perfect. You don't overuse commas or fill your story with periods. I used to be terrible at grammar, I have to be honest! You don't seem to have any problems with is though, so well done fore that. I'm one of those annoying, picky people when it comes to grammar, so thank you for not annoying me.
What I also really like is the names of your characters. Especially your Mc, JoJo. The name itself is original and it seems to suit the character herself. I also think that Aly's name suits her. It has that popular kind of feel to it and I actually quite like the name itself. Julie also sounds like a popular kind of name. Although, it reminds me of my Auntie because her name's Julie...
Overall, I definitely think that this story has potential. You just need to make it your own by making sure that it doesn't turn cliche. Give this first chapter a hook at the end. Make the reader think 'Wow! I can't wait to find out what happens next' and this will be very successful. I can tell that you are a good writer, you just need to practice a bit more. You actually kind of remind me of myself for some reason...
Keep writing and good luck!
xoxo Skins
P.S Sorry I've written a bit much... I got carried away
Hi WritingWords. I had meant to do the review earlier but just couldn't. But I am finally here now.
Lets look at the nit-picks:(I will color whatever I like with green)
This is going to be interesting, Amy. I liked JoJo's name: it's do interesting and cool.
I have pointed out most of the mistakes but there's one thing I want you to focus on: prepositions. Somewhere you have placed the wrong ones. Also to improve your vocabulary, take a dictionary and select a page. Then write down words from it that you find can be adjusted into your story.
Good luck! Off to the next part!
Hey, Its KitxKat, or Kit. Really. Kit. I'm just review this for you. I don't usually write anything down, I use different colors. Purple for general comments and red for grammatical mistakes.
~Kit.
JoJo looked over at the table of the "Populars". They seemed like they were having such a great time, laughing at each other's gossip about other people. They might even be talking about JoJo herself. JoJo kept telling herself to ignore them. I don't think you should use her name some many times in the first paragraph
It was lunchtime at Harris Middle School. The cafetaria was full of energetic kids that was letting out their energy from sitting in desks so long. It smelled deiliciously of tater tots. Th walls were plastered with lunch rules posters. Everyone seemed to be having fun, except JoJo. She sat alone at a table in the corner, and people walked past her without noticing that she was even there. Everyone fit into some sort of group, except JoJo. She longed to be a Popular, having everyone else admire her every move.
JoJo focused on one particular Popular, her ex-best friend, Aly. She remembered when Aly would go to JoJo's house everyday after school to talk about recent school stuff (like boys)and hang out. They would sit on the porch swing and just gaze and laugh as the sun goes down. JoJo sighed. She shouldn't be wasting her time thinking about the past. After all, these good times are long gone, and Aly is a Popular now. Aly would never want to hang out with a class dork now.You do not need so many Italics. Italics are only used to emphasis words.
JoJo saw Aly come toward her table with her new best friend, Julie. They were trying to not to laugh out loud, but not really succeeding. They sat down at JoJo's table.
"Heyyy. Where's your friends? Do they not want to sit with you?" asked Julie, trying not to smirk.
JoJo looked over at Aly, silently pleading for help. Aly looked into her eyes, but turned away, not saying anything.
"Oh, wait, you don't have friends!"Julie said loudly. She turned to Aly and started to laugh. Aly joined in, a little reluctantly.
Everyone surrounding the table turned around and started laughing with them.
Someone called out from the Populars' table,"Even Nerdy Ned has a friend!"
This only made everyone laugh harder. Soon, everyone started to chant,"No-Friend JoJo, No-Friend JoJo!"
JoJo felt her eyes brimming with tears. Out of her rapidly blurring vision, she saw Aly laughing with them. How could she?
JoJo got up so fast that her chair fell over. She grabbed her backpack and started to push her way through the crowd that was forming around her. She didn't know where to go, but she just wanted to get out of here. Now, the Populars started another chant, "Crybaby JoJo, Crybaby JoJo!" She clenched her teeth with anger. She couldn't believe how mean they could be.
As she pushed through, a hand grabbed her arm. JoJo saw Aly in the corner of her eye, looking guilty.
"Wait, JoJo! I can explain!" JoJo was too angry to forgive anyone, especially not Aly. She twisted her arm of out Aly's grasp and ran out of the cafetaria, sobbing with her heart breaking.[/quote]
All in all, its a tad cliched. We've seen many teenage novels that go for the whole 'popular/unpopular' thing. Go for something original!
Hey WritingWords, here as you requested.
Plot:
Okay, this idea so overdone. The whole high-school issues theme is much too common, but if it's just a quick insight into your skills, then I guess I don't have a problem with it.
Characters:
I love how you describe their actions, and not just stating how they feel! I find myself constantly having to tell writers off when they write "He felt sad" instead of "his eyes teared up". It's obvious Aly feels some regret. It's obvious JoJo loathes Julie. Great job here!
Nitpicks:
I get what your trying to say here, but you've repeated the same word, and the grammar isn't perfect.
Try something like this: "The cafeteria was packed with hyperactive teenagers, finally letting out all that built-up energy from sitting in a desk for so long.
Overall:
You are a pretty good writer. There are some thing you'll need to work on, such as theme selection and complexity of speech, but those abilities will come to you with practice.
-Maddy
P.S.It's technically not a short story if you don't have a resolution to the climax you created.
Hey Writing!
Okay, I'll look into your work. My nit picks will be in red and I shall give overall comments at the end of it. (:
Overall:So, this was a pretty good start.
Another thing you could do with : description. Show us what the place was like. Cafeterias have smells, stains that you could show.
PM me if you have any questions.
Cheers,
~Lava
Hi, WritingWords! Sachi, here, at your service!
Okay, right off the bat. You mention the main character's name a lot. This repetition gets incredibly boring after a while. Mix it up! Throw in some shes and hers.
You also seem to bebop around with tenses. You start off with past tense and then go to first and shoot back into third. It's very confusing. Find a tense and stick with it.
Try using "ask" instead of "said." She is asking a question after all!
Substitute "could" for "can".
So overall, you have some huge potential here.
One thing I do suggest though is that you always read over your work before you post it to the YWS, and correct it yourself as much as possible before putting it up for review. It will save reviewers from pointing out things over and over again.
I hope this helped, and please feel free to PM me if you have any questions at all!
This is how it is from middle school through high school, sadly you have the populars, nerds, emos and everything else- been there done that. This was okay, except for a few mistakes, but nothing to have a heart attack over- just reread over your story and fix them. Anyways, thank you for the read.
This is really good. A few mistakes, but nothing horrid. I really like this idea although it's been used many times. (two girls used to be friends, one becomes popular and the other isn't. etc) but i still like it.
Hey, names Atticus.
I know you really didn't look over this again to make corrections so I won't point them out. One thing I will though is you continuously repeat Jojo's name. At some points the reader will already know who you are referring to. So try to cut back on that just a little. I say that because I don't know if that's just the style you were going for in this story. And give me more about feeling and examples of how close Jojo and Aly used to be. Paint me a more vivid picture in other words.
But over all this story was pretty good for just a few random ideas and not going back to correct the mistakes. I liked it and wouldn't mind reading more.