Published January 2, 2011
Haha, just something I wrote for fun. Maybe this will have potential 
Enjoy this excerpt!
Dear Diary,
Today is the first day of school after winter break. I wasn't really excited to see my classmates yet because up to now, I don't really know them that well. So, anyways, it's 7:00 and the alarm by my bed rings. I turn it off, and wait until the time when I ABSOLUTELY have to get up, 7:30 am. As always, I rush and eat breakfast with my sister. The typical Chinese breakfast: congee and buns. I quickly get into the car and hope that I get to school in time. I finally arrive at school. I flash my ID and walk, no, run up the stairs. The first bell rings. I quickly grabbed my books for the next class, and put away my coat in my locker. I slide into my seat just as the second bell rings.
This pretty much repeats everyday. I know, sounds pretty boring. But today, something else happened. I was doing my problems in algebra when I felt someone staring at me. It was my crush, Chris. I don't know if he actually is staring, but I can feel people's eyes on my back. After class, he walks up to me and talks with me the whole way to my next class. I can't believe he actually knows who I am! I don't know, but I have a good feeling about this. I can't wait til I get back home to chat with him online. Maybe this will develop into a friendship, or more.
Awesomely yours,
Kim
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140,627 Literary Works • 673,568 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, you can clearly tell this is perhaps a somewhat younger student's diary, here, probably like early teens judging by the tone that you've chosen here....and that's interesting, usually you find this sort of thing to be with something more along the late teens. This was a really neat little summary of what seems to be a pretty normal daily routine of someone that's not the most enthusiastic about getting to school. Its a very neutral start here, which makes it an interesting choice for a diary entry..so let's see where this goes here.
Oooh, so this was what I was waiting to see. Now this reads like a proper diary would. We've got the repetitive pattern out of the way just to show what the life of this person is normally like and we've got this highlight that's being presented to us about what special thing happened, and that is usually the sort of thing that you right in a diary anyway. SOo...yeah, the first part was a bit concerning, but the second paragraph saved it here. I'd say this could pass for a genuine diary entry without too much trouble. Overall, not a bad piece here, you could definitely continue to talk about perhaps where this little crush goes...its interesting enough that I might read a second entry here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Well this would be a great romantic story. I would make the entries longer and definitely show the girl's true feelings. Make sure to be realistic and include what a normal teen does. It shouldn't all be about romance.
Good writing. This could be rather interesting.
Hello there, WritingWords! I hope you are having a fantastic day. ^_^
To begin, I would like to second what retrodisco66 mentioned, and perhaps add to it a bit. Like Retro said, this could make itself into a very cute romantic fiction book. I think the tones of this story would be geared more to the young adults than they would be full-age women, however, because you are a young adult, and your voice is very fitting for your age group. There's no one better to write for an age group than someone from that age group themselves! Unless, of course, we're talking about children's stories. I highly doubt three year olds could write themselves up a book, ha ha.
So, if your audience is going to be young adults (and probably young adult girls, at that) your voice is perfect! It's young and lively, and gives a freshly real look at life as a teenager. I liked that about this story, actually! So great job with that. As long as you can maintain the same style and voice throughout the story, you'll be going along just beautifully! The one thing you don't want is a major change of the character's voice halfway through the book, however, so just look back to this diary entry when you are writing.
One way I think you can improve this is by, perhaps, actually showing the scenes where he's looking at her, or when he walks her to his next class. She could be recalling them, and that leaves more room to describe him, the school, and flesh out each of their personalities and the plot. Sounds like a lot of major pluses, right? Also, it would add some length to the story, instead of just saying, "He walked me to class. The end. Yay!" You would be saying, "He took my paperback school books from me, his calloused hands holding them for me as we walked to our next class. I could feel a hot blush on my cheeks, and he was smiling. At me." What a difference!
Now, another aspect I think you should think about is the cultural differences here. When you talk about the typical Chinese breakfast (congee and buns), you need to remember that many young adults and even adults will not be familiar with Chinese food, so they will not exactly know what you are talking about there. For all they know, congee could be shrimp's head. Crazy, huh? Now, one way to prevent this is to just describe the food itself right after you say you are eating congee and buns, a typical breakfast for Chinese families. One another way you could make sure readers know what congee is is by placing an asterisk next to congee and then making a footnote to explain congee. But I do like how you are incorporating a different culture besides American into this story! It adds a very nice unique element to the overall story, and that's always nice, especially when teen diary books are done a lot and can become cliche.
Overall, you definitely have a good idea brewing here, and I like the young, teenage voice this girl has. She seems so vulnerable to her crush, and that's always cute to read about. What will happen, I wonder? Does he like her? Was it a dare? Ah, time will only tell. Please do contact me when you post more! I want to see where this goes and would be delighted to review the next segment of the story, too! This slightly reminds me of Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging: Confessions of Georgia Nicolson by Louise Rennison. It's a very popular book, and there are eight or so books in the whole series.
Keep working at it.
- Mizz
Hey,
I think this could really work as a romantic story. But it would have to be written like this all the way through. The colour purple by Alice Walker is written in a very similar style, and is very succesful. If you work with the cliché's and not against and right a girls true emotions and make it like an inlet into their mind, it would work very much so.
I think the entries would have to be longer though, as it is a very short snippet!
I liked how you made it very informal yet personal which is very hard to do
Keep it up and PM me for anything!
~Retro Disco666