Published July 21, 2011
Ferrah sighs and plops down on her bed. Could her life get any worse? First she gets dumped in front of everyone for her sister and now her parents are getting divorced. There is a knock on her balcony doors. Looking over she sees her best friend, Heath. He always makes her day better. She waves her hand and her balcony door swing open.
Heath walks in and sits beside her on her bed, after closing the balcony doors. "Hey, Angel."
"Hi, Dragon."
"How are you?"
"Sucky. My parents are getting divorced." Her eyes water. Heath notices.
"Come here." He opens his arms. She crawls into his lap and wraps her arms around his neck. "It is going to be okay, Angel. I promise."
She nods her head and rests it against his chest, sleepy all of a sudden. "Stay with me tonight."
"I'll always stay with you." Before she can ponder the meaning of that, she fall asleep in his arms.
Heath gently sets Ferrah on her bed beside him. Ferrah, his own prescious angel. The scent of her blood calls to him as it has so many times before. It is a good thing that he fed before he headed over. The scent of her blood and her scent are nearly addicting. Sweet blood mixed with the smell of vanilla and brown sugar. Hmmm.
He stretches out beside her and starts running his fingers through her hair. He loves her caramel color hair and honey color eyes. They are both so soft. Her eyes are framed by long and dark eyelashes. Her hair like silk. And she is so small. So petite. She fits perfectly against his frame. Like she was made for him.
He wraps his big, buff frame around her smaller one. Then, he allows himself to drift into unconsciousness.
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139,798 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Soo...we've got ourselves an intriguing situation here...looks like a person going through a bit of a tough time trying to take some comfort from a friend and well...that friend is very, very interesting there...it somehow feels like something bad could happen here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well as far as prologues this one sounds remarkably like a first chapter right here, cause we've got a very neat little opening with this one person being introduced with an issue to deal with and then we have a friend. The conversation also immediately lets you know these are very good friends...and well, its a lovely starting point in general here, but especially fitting for a first chapter.
OOoh, well it looks like you're definitely hinting at a couple of things on that one there...I wonder what?
Okay...this one got almost a bit towards the creepy sound of things, I'm not gonna lie there, you might want to be a bit careful on how you want this piece to come across. The first part can be excused as perhaps a hint at this person being something not quite human...but the end there...is just uhh...a little too focused on detail and sounds a little too possessive there to be comfortable with, that could just be me though...well at any rate, an interesting start, I'm not terribly sure this works as a prologue but it certainly would make for a good first chapter and a start to story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a solid looking start here, there's definitely quite a bit in this chapter despite its short size and it seems interesting enough that it seems like something that I'd potentially read more of here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It's rather cute, but kind of... Picture perfect? A bit too movie-like for a real life scenario. I agree with the other reviews, it reminds me of Twilight. However, it's cute. And the grammar seems more present tense, which is interesting.
Still a pretty good job. c:
This is pretty good, but it seems a bit like Twilight. The Strong Vampire with the fragile girl, divorced parents.
I also feel that you could be a bit more descriptive. Like, when she was dumped and when she found out that her parents were getting a divorce. You could have put more into that than you did.
It's a good story, don't get me wrong, but everyone could use improments:D ~C.C.
Hey there,
The story looks good..but I agree with the above reviews. Their feelings, what they're saying, it's kind of unrealistic. Use the show-don't-tell rule, I guess, and make their dialogue more realistic. Keep writing
Hi!
Alright, there's a few things I want to say:
- First off, show don't tell. In the first paragraph, you told us about how Feerah had been dumped for her sister and her parents are getting divorced. Why don't you show us the unravelling of these actions? Or perhaps give us glimpse and snippets of conversation or something? Letting the reader see it sounds more believable for one and it's also generally more interesting.
- Nicknames. I was wondering why Ferrah called Heath, Dragon. It's obviously a nickname, but it's quite an unexpected one. I would suggest putting an explanation next to it, so that we know how the nicknames came about.
- Okay, since this is the beginning of a story, you need to present a sort of mystery and intrigue to make the reader want to keep reading. You did that pretty well in the second section, where Ferrah was asleep. But not so much in the first section and hooking the reader in is probably one of the most important things when writing a story. If the reader doesn't feel compelled to read, then what's the point of writing it in the first place? I think that you can the first section more interesting by giving us hints about who Heath was, like you did in the second paragraph and have something more interesting happen. Also, don't forget to show, don't tell. It almost always makes a story much more interesting to read.
That's all the critiques I have. This story is looking good so far. Keep writing!
Okay I like the idea. I just want to point out a few things: i only do this because I care and want to see you succeed
1) How is this going to differ from say Twilight (besides already being better writing)?
2) the emotion seems almost fake, cliche. As if its a teenager trying not to describe emotion. I don't mind the way you did it but i wasn't attached nor will I ever be to a character or their emotion of described that way. I just would add so much more to the divorce. Why doesn't heath walk in on her crying? Why doesn't he tell her it's all going to be okay there?
just a few thoughts. Overall i like the direction your taking it and look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work