Nightmare

by WritersUnleashed

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published March 11, 2011

I've noticed that when I write poetry, It is as if my conscience is in another realm. There are two realms that It might go to. One would be a happy realm, where I rhyme about the beauty of a flower, or the sweet taste of strawberries. The other realm would be a darker realm, in which people die and face their fears. This poem is obviously the later.

This is more of a draft. I know there are some errors, and I'm a little confused on how to fix them. Please help.

Spoiler! :
Everything will be OK.
Ill open my eyes another day.
Tears will stream down my face.
But right here is not the place.
Ill be strong until tonight
Because tomorrow I will fight
Breath my air; Feel my glee;
Touch and taste; look and see.
Dark is thrown far aside.
Light comes in like the moonlit tide.
My fear is shown when I flinch.
I better not move an inch.
You can cure me; but beware,
Touch me softly if you dare.
My eyes can see into your life.
Curled up; in pain; filled with strife.
Touch me longer and you’ll know,
I well never let you go.

The night is falling to the sky.
Breath again, or I will die.
The chilling air fills my lung.
In the mist my heart is hung,
Beating slowly till its still
Isn’t this supposed to kill?
My veins are filled with love and hate.
No more blood till a later date.

I wake in the morning to see you face.
I set aside my dreams with haste.
I smile in bed for I’m aware
I have left my cold nightmare.

Comments & reviews · 1
User avatar
rubberduck
Review
rubberduck wrote a review Review · Mar 11, 2011

Hey there.
I'm breaking the whole poem down into stanzas. It'll be easier to read and spot things. :)

Everything will be OK.
Ill open my eyes another day.
Tears will stream down my face.
But right here is not the place.

How about using 'okay' instead of 'OK'? It'll be more formal that way.
I'll open my eyes another day. Apostraphe for 'Ill'.

Ill be strong until tonight
Because tomorrow I will fight
Breath my air; Feel my glee;
Touch and taste; look and see.

I'll be strong until tonight. Also, if the character is fighting tomorrow, shouldn't he try to stay strong till then?
A suggestion for the rewording of the first two lines of this stanza would be:
I'll stay strong through the night,
because tomorrow, I will fight.

Breathe my air; Feel my glee;

Dark is thrown far aside.
Light comes in like the moonlit tide.
My fear is shown when I flinch.
I better not move an inch.

'Dark' should be 'darkness', but how I can rephrase the line with the new word confuses me a little. I'll just type out both of my suggestions, and hope that someone can point you in the right direction. (Sorry if it's wrong.)
Darkness- thrown far aside or Darkness, thrown far aside

You can cure me; but beware,
Touch me softly if you dare.
My eyes can see into your life.
Curled up; in pain; filled with strife.
Touch me longer and you’ll know,
I well never let you go.

My eyes can see into your life,
Curled up; in pain; filled with strife.

The night is falling to the sky.
Breath again, or I will die.
The chilling air fills my lung.
In the mist my heart is hung,

Breathe again, or I will die.
In the mist, my heart is hung.

Beating slowly till its still
Isn’t this supposed to kill?
My veins are filled with love and hate.
No more blood till a later date.

Beating slowly till it's still Apostraphe.

I wake in the morning to see you face.
I set aside my dreams with haste.
I smile in bed for I’m aware
I have left my cold nightmare.

I wake in the morning to see your face.

Good ending.
I had the whole 'Dementor attack atmosphere' (Yup, HP.) when I was reading about the nightmare. (The black, misty, mind-numbingly cold air surroundings.) I could feel the relief of the character when he wakes up as well. Great job!
Since this is a draft, I'm hoping my review will come in handy for you when you write the actual piece.

Keep writing!



october smells like being ten years old and not scared of anything
— dissonance