Chapter 1:
Twelve. I was only twelve when my family kicked me out the house due to me being "too dangerous". I had no control over the fact that when my emotions got out of control that elements went crazy.
When I was angry, something or someone always ended up getting burned. A lot of the time it was me and and the items that were closest to me. Sadness, almost the same thing but with water. Happiness was earth- flowers and plants would bloom or sprout when I was nearby. Air was kinda both- harmless when I was cheerful and just dreadful when I was upset or just ill.
So why would they kick me out of their home you ask? My father is a priest for the Catholic church. My mother sings in the church's choir there. My older brother helps to teach Sunday lessons to the younger children. My younger brother viewed it as cool, but, my parents thought it was too dangerous for me to be around him. My parents bother viewed me as if I was infected by the devil.
I lived in our treehouse till I was able to actually find a job and from there get an actual place to stay. I had to do it that way because I had no true friends in school. That was six years ago, I have been working a steady job since I was fifteen. I have lived in my apartment since I turned eighteen, five months ago.
I still managed to graduate high school this past May, just a few weeks before my birthday. I did it even though everyone thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I plan on attending college in the spring semester once I get some money saved up.
I worked on my control over my "powers" over the years. I can usually call them forth when I want or I can hold them back when I get too emotional, as my boyfriend loves to tell me. He is the one who really helped me gain the control. He would calm me down if I was getting angry and cheer me up if I was getting to sad. I am glad to have had him there to help me.
The only thing that I am worried about now is the fact we found out we were expecting a child. With such a large change in hormones constantly going on, I don't know how my abilities will handle the changes. I am terrified for the next nine months. I just don't want the baby to be harmed, nor do I want to harm myself or my boyfriend.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
This review is being written as the story is being read, and I'm just writing everything that I critique down.
I like this immediately off the bat, how you portrayed the frustration of the main character was very satisfying. But, in "..due to me being," i'd lose, "to me"
instead of "that elements" just say "elements"
In paragraph 2 you say 'and' twice in a row.
instead of "to teach" just say "teach"
Parents *brother*
How was the treehouse not burned down?
*too* sad (2nd to last paragraph)
"..have had..." is the boyfriend gone?
Instead of "the fact" say "that" (last paragraph)
The last sentence as a whole about harming the baby, herself, and the boyfriend is already said with, "I am terrified for the next nine months."
Overall, I like the concept of the character. I dislike the lack of names for literally everyone. I can't attach to a character I don't know. I'd give this beginning a 6.5 / 10. It kept my interest for the most part, but there was very little to no imagery used in this short story making it hard to imagine, and, as mentioned, you need names. The paragraphs were split up pretty well, and I don't think there was any punctuation errors... maybe a 7?
Yo.
Jimmy here.
Here to do a little review for ya! Welcome to YWS by the way. I hope you enjoy yourself here.
Alright, on to the business at hand. First, my usual disclaimer. I have the grammar abilities of a squirrel so I can't help you there. Also, I am bad at phrasing things so if I say anything that offends you, sorry in advance.
Now, let's take it to the Lord (Epic gospel church music)
1) Ok, this is a pretty big exposition dump. Now, that's not a bad thing, but there are a lot of things here that would have been very cool if you revealed some of this information over the course of the story. The kicking out alone could have an interesting thing to reveal in context of the story rather than just all up front. It is a lot to take in all at once.
2) Wow, your MC stay taking L's. Seriously, that's a lot of bad things to happen at that young. Now, that's not to say this stuff doesn't happen to people, but it borders the line between realistic and just downright insane. I would say if you changed 12 to 15 it would be much more realistic. Just knowing myself, if I had been thrown out of my house at 12 with no family or income I would starve to death. I know people who have been kicked out at 15 though.
3) I like the powers! They have so much potential you can build off of them. The emotional tie-in is also really cool
4) Alright, there is not a whole much to really say past that. However, I can tell you what I want to see based on this and hopefully, that helps a little. I would love to learn more about how the powers developed and how it affects the day to day life. I would also really be interested in learning where your MC is in life and how she got there. The boyfriend especially as I find romance dynamics between someone who has powers cool.
5) All you need now is a solid intro and character introduction and you will be straight.
That's it for me. Let me know when your next chapter is up and if you want to review that. I hope this helped a little. I look forward to reading more! Also, forgive me if I said anything here that will be explained later.
Cheers,
Jimmy