Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


The Marionettes- Page 21

by SalemReine


Lightning flashes outside, causing the palace to rattle like an old skeleton. You aren’t sure you want to go out there, but what choice do you really have? You definitely don’t want another boring conversation with Reinier. She knocks again and you make up your mind.

You build up your courage and swing your legs over the side of the balcony. Your foot slips on the wet stone and you grit your teeth. The things I do to run from my problems, you think to yourself. Carefully climbing down the wall with the help of some loose stones, you land as gracefully as you can on your feet. The ground is slick and you slip a little as you land, grasping onto the wall for support. Your scarlet hair is hanging limply around your face, your coils already soaked. That’s not annoying at all. Even your inner self is sarcastic.

You take off running as fast as you can without falling on your face, the crushed wildflowers under your feet spreading their petals everywhere. You stop dead in your tracks when you hear the distant sound of a gunshot. The sound reverberates around the open area; you can’t tell where it’s coming from. You spin in all directions, looking for signs of life or fleeing animals. The shot comes again, and this time you think it’s more to your left. You whirl and think that you can make out a shape… though you’re not sure what it is or how close it is because of the rain. Your heart beats violently in your chest and the sweet taste of blood is in your mouth from where you’ve bitten your cheek. You aren’t sure what to do next...

CAST YOUR VOTES DOWN BELOW

To approach the shots, turn to page 22.

To climb back up into your room, turn to page 6.

To try to spy on the situation, turn to page 47.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2848 Reviews


Points: 298345
Reviews: 2848

Donate
Mon Dec 06, 2021 6:28 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Lightning flashes outside, causing the palace to rattle like an old skeleton. You aren’t sure you want to go out there, but what choice do you really have? You definitely don’t want another boring conversation with Reinier. She knocks again and you make up your mind.

You build up your courage and swing your legs over the side of the balcony. Your foot slips on the wet stone and you grit your teeth. The things I do to run from my problems, you think to yourself. Carefully climbing down the wall with the help of some loose stones, you land as gracefully as you can on your feet. The ground is slick and you slip a little as you land, grasping onto the wall for support. Your scarlet hair is hanging limply around your face, your coils already soaked. That’s not annoying at all. Even your inner self is sarcastic.


Ahh, so I guess I was pretty much the only one who wanted to actually face the problem...xD Everyone chose to run away...that's kind of funny honestly...but okay, moving past that really quickly, let's see how this running away scene develops. Its started off pretty well, there's a light sense of tension in the air as well, so that is always a helpful little addition here. I think this is off to a pretty good start here for the moment.

You take off running as fast as you can without falling on your face, the crushed wildflowers under your feet spreading their petals everywhere. You stop dead in your tracks when you hear the distant sound of a gunshot. The sound reverberates around the open area; you can’t tell where it’s coming from. You spin in all directions, looking for signs of life or fleeing animals. The shot comes again, and this time you think it’s more to your left. You whirl and think that you can make out a shape… though you’re not sure what it is or how close it is because of the rain. Your heart beats violently in your chest and the sweet taste of blood is in your mouth from where you’ve bitten your cheek. You aren’t sure what to do next...


Oooooh, things do be getting spicy quickly. Gunshots ringing out already. That came right out of left field, did not expect to see that one bit, so this is absolutely going to get my attention. So far it seemed like we're running away from some feelings of sadness at the most but now we have some sort of person out doing either some terribly timed target practice or someone is getting murked somewhere or even worse somebody is chasing our protagonist with a gun. That is certainly quite something here....the excitement is climbing rapidly here and I love it.

As for the page, well I do one thing only, immediately investigate the source of trouble to deal with it..so page 22 for me. Where are them gunshots coming from?

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 165
Reviews: 42

Donate
Mon Dec 06, 2021 6:21 am
rida says...



Page 47!




User avatar
109 Reviews


Points: 1940
Reviews: 109

Donate
Sun Dec 05, 2021 7:25 pm
Gnomish says...



Definitely page 47! Time for some spying...




User avatar
1032 Reviews


Points: 103525
Reviews: 1032

Donate
Sun Dec 05, 2021 10:47 am
MailicedeNamedy says...



I take the third option, page 47. :D




User avatar
1032 Reviews


Points: 103525
Reviews: 1032

Donate
Sun Dec 05, 2021 10:46 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi WrenZorya,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Nice to see that the story is continuing here! :D Let's start right now and jump in before I decide what to do next. :D

Lightning flashes outside, causing the palace to rattle like an old skeleton. You aren’t sure you want to go out there, but what choice do you really have? You definitely don’t want another boring conversation with Reinier. She knocks again and you make up your mind.

I like the beginning that you have written here. It doesn't go directly back to what happened in the last part, but builds on it and then indirectly gives an answer to it. I'm glad to see that it's not a "simple" presentation of the story, but that you're trying to show some tension and character development here. In contrast to the previous part and its intro, however, I also find the depth of the character a little lacking. In the last part, there was much more to describe and tell than here, and at least a short moment about it would certainly not have been wrong.

You build up your courage and swing your legs over the side of the balcony. Your foot slips on the wet stone and you grit your teeth. The things I do to run from my problems, you think to yourself. Carefully climbing down the wall with the help of some loose stones, you land as gracefully as you can on your feet. The ground is slick and you slip a little as you land, grasping onto the wall for support. Your scarlet hair is hanging limply around your face, your coils already soaked. That’s not annoying at all. Even your inner self is sarcastic.

The structure of this section gets better with every sentence. The first few sentences are a bit bare when you look at the rest, and it seems indirectly like the effort you are putting into describing it here. I like the way it develops. I also think you've done a good job of describing and keeping the length. But what I still miss a bit is the tension itself. Here you remain in a kind of "stasis", where we don't learn much about the protagonist. Even if the reader is supposed to put himself in the role, I think that just a few small thoughts, which everyone should have at such a moment, could be inserted.

You take off running as fast as you can without falling on your face, the crushed wildflowers under your feet spreading their petals everywhere. You stop dead in your tracks when you hear the distant sound of a gunshot. The sound reverberates around the open area; you can’t tell where it’s coming from. You spin in all directions, looking for signs of life or fleeing animals. The shot comes again, and this time you think it’s more to your left. You whirl and think that you can make out a shape… though you’re not sure what it is or how close it is because of the rain. Your heart beats violently in your chest and the sweet taste of blood is in your mouth from where you’ve bitten your cheek. You aren’t sure what to do next...

This whole section has an excellent arc of suspense and I particularly like how you've picked up the pace here after being a little slower with the narrative in the previous section. It's fitting for the protagonist to get more into this situation, to feel the danger, and I missed that a bit in the previous section. Definitely a good ending for the story.

I really like the idea you have accomplished here and at the same time writing a story that is partly based on the reader's opinion. It gives you a certain flexibility in your writing but also a little bit that you have to depend on what the reader wants. It definitely has a positive effect on the writing! :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




User avatar
49 Reviews


Points: 393
Reviews: 49

Donate
Sun Dec 05, 2021 1:06 am
View Likes
TheWordsOfWolf says...



page 47 is my vote! pleeeeease don't end in death....
I relate to this person, I also do increasingly dramatic things to run from my problems






I vote 47 too :D




Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson