Hey there, Ashnirai here for a quick review.
Just a quick heads up, you've accidentally posted the chapter twice. It's pretty easy to fix though, I'm assuming you know how to edit your posts? (If not, there's a header to the right that says 'Tools', under which there's an edit button.)
Anyways, onwards to the review!
After a quick read through of your chapter, I noticed that you use a lot of short sentences. There's nothing wrong with short sentences - they can be very effective when writing fast-paced action scenes, and writers often use them to put emphasis on a point or to convey urgency - however a problem arises when too many are used in a row. It disrupts the flow of the text, bringing the reader out of their immersion in your story and making them too aware that it is just that - a story - that they're reading.
I should probably also mention that short 'sentences' don't necessarily have to be separated by a full stop; they can also be multiple short clauses joined together with commas. Basically, I'm referring to any time there's a significant break in your writing, or when your mental voice takes a breath when reading.
For example:
He was lost. (break) He was in a forest, (break) but it was dark out, (break) and he had no sense of direction. (break) He turned slowly in a circle, (break) his heart thumping in his chest.
In the above text, I've marked in where all the breaks are. See how you have five breaks in just 31 words? It makes the paragraph a little too staccato to read, and the cadence of the text is lost. What you want is a good ratio between short sentences and longer, more detailed sentences that run on for a little longer so as to establish a flow. Of course, you don't want long-winded sentences either, but I don't think that's a problem you'll be having.
So what should you do?
This links with the second point I want to make, and that's show and not tell.
I know, I know, you've probably heard this a thousand times prior, but that doesn't make the point less valid. What you're currently doing is just flatly telling us what's going on without giving us too many details. See:
He was lost.
and
He was in a forest
and
it was dark out
and
he had no sense of direction.
Compare that with:
Darkness pressed in on all sides, an inky veil draped over the twisted mass of roots underfoot and snagged in the branches just above his head. He turned around slowly, heart thumping in his chest as he peered into the depths of night, hoping for a light, a recognisable sign; anything. But no. Nothing. He was still lost.
See how instead of just telling the reader that it was dark, I showed it using a metaphor? See how it adds more detail, more atmosphere, into the scene? Admittedly, I'm not the best writer so my example is a little sloppy, but there are plenty of resources in the YWS forums talking about how to describe things, and on showing and not telling, etc that are much better than my ramblings here.
Another example is:
It was Manuel. The Town Ass, as he and Mack called him. Manuel was an all-around jerk, who did whay he wanted and not caring who he hurt. He was also very lazy and what some adults called 'husky'. Today he was with a bunch of his wannabes, who were following him like ducks in a pond.
Pretty much all that I've highlighted in red isn't really needed. You're telling me about how Manuel is a jerk, but your next lines
"Well well well, if it isn't the little errand boy," Manuel sneered. His cronies laughed behind him. "Are you going to pick some weeds and garden later, like little girls?" he asked.
show me that he's a jerk and a bully. Your readers are smart and they want to be treated as such; they'll be able to deduce through Manuel's actions and words that he's a bully without you having to explicitly state it. Thus, the earlier telling of his character is unnecessary. Similarly, for the 'lazy' and 'not caring who he hurt' characteristics, show us that through some sort of incident or event.
(For the record, I do like how you've described his minions as following him like ducklings ouo)
Showing instead of telling can also help solve the first point I mentioned: that of your short sentences. When you're showing something, when you're describing things in greater detail and you add depth into your scenes, you'll soon find that short sentences are wholly inadequate for much of your descriptive needs. Longer sentences will start coming naturally when combined with more details.
That said, you shouldn't just abandon short sentences. What you want is a good ratio of short to long sentences - that way, you'll begin to develop a natural cadence in your writing that draws your readers in instead of being jarring.
Overall, the best advice I can give you is to read your work out aloud. That should give you a sense of where all your pauses are and how your sentences flow. As for showing and not telling, go through your work for each "something was something" and think about how you could convey that through action/description instead of telling.
Writing is a skill you'll develop and improve upon the more you practice. It's awesome that you're interested in/enjoy writing enough that you're writing an entire novel - you'll definitely find yourself becoming much more aware of writing pitfalls and how to avoid them as you go on.
Keep up the good work and happy writing! <3
~Ashnirai
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Points: 4440
Reviews: 5
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