He's seen too much

Hi wondergirl59,

The first thing I noticed was the variance between past and present tense. If you begin your writing in the present, stay constant with that throughout the piece. You said you're trying to improve your descriptions, and I think they're fairl good. I do have a few suggestions though.

The rushing of the wind is too hard for the lighter to go, so he gives up.

Looking at this strange, undeveloped girl, he knew that this would not be the last time he saw those electrifying green eyes. And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out.

Hi, this is a good start. I think there's a good amount of description, not too much, not too little. Basically i just want to know more. Why does he have to knock seven times? How does he know it's not the last time he'll see the girl? What is the significance of the little girl? What's in the package? Who lives in the house? Why does he look 28 when he is 17 years old?
I look forward to reading the rest.

He trudged through the snow, slowed by the heaviness of the falling ice. The cold fallen snow was speckled with brown from dirt of the passing public. As he walked, he took a quick break to look around. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out his Clove cigarettes, and attempts to light one. The rushing of the wind is too hard for the lighter to go, so he gives up. Remember to keep it all in past tense.

He walks on for about three yards, then stops in front of house 319. The paint is chipped, and the windows are filled with darkness, but he knows that he's here, hiding somewhere in the cold, empty building. He takes out a small, brown package from his jacket, then slips it through the slot on the door. Then, counting in his head to be sure he doesn't miss count, he knocks seven times. Four times slow, three times fast. Pleased with himself, he walks away. Tenses again.

As he walks, he sees a small girl, guessing her to be around the age on nine. She wore a yellow petty coat, tight around the neckline. Her slacks, too short, came around to her ankle. The wind was blowing her dark brown hair around, so it was hard to see her features. But he never missed her piercing green eyes, a shade he'd never seen before.

Looking at this strange, undeveloped girl, he knew that this would not be the last time he saw those electrifying green eyes. And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out. First, undeveloped doesn't give enough sensory detail. Other than that, I'm confused because I only noticed one boy character and now there's two? I feel like I missed something...also, you didn't give us time to taste the mystery or suspense in the story. Try giving us more to pile up the tension, like something big is going to happen...that way you can keep it interesting, because right now we don't know enough for this to really be interesting. We see a man dropping off a package and a "strange" girl, which like "undeveloped" just doesn't give us enough to really picture her. But really, it just doesn't feel like a whole lot's happening.

Hey,

Just skimming down at first – you change tenses: “As he walks, he takes a quick break to look around. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled”. Watch out for that, stick to one!

Ok, so details. Ha, I have an entirely opposite problem, always feel this very very big need to describe absolutely everything and then get lost and drown in the sea of words. Depends on style, I suppose. Lots of authors describe a lot, others don’t – or rarely do, and that works too. Pick what works with you, what you’re comfortable with, what ends with the best effect. Reading wouldn’t be as fun if everyone wrote in the same way!

And here I’ll say I admire your ambition (stuff I can’t write – I just stay well away from). So, description.
If you want even more description… describe how what he does affects him. Like, the knocking. Does it hrut his knuckles? Etc. He’s pleases w/himself… Smiles? What kind of smile is it? That would give the reader a clue as to whether regard him as a good/bad guy (if you so wish). The cigarette – that the wind blows it out (show the wind doing it), instead of saying the cigarette can’t be lighted. That’s kind of a big school of Show vs. Tell. So describing not only through he did this/she did that, but actually showing how things change and how the action’s done (as opposed to saying it just, well, was).

Undeveloped girl when talking about nine year old just creeped me out. Seriously.

Also, double descriptors only wrok from time to time, when used sparingly. They’re cool to use, but sparingly! So, ‘the beautiful, blue eyed girl’ look horrible next to ‘looked at the pretty, green-eyed baby’.

And the last part about the age – pinning age to a person one does not know always seems forced, especially when it’s exact age – like: 23, not ‘around 20’. How does she know, exactly 23? And then 17… I kind of get what you’re getting at (I think) – (that he looks older than he is in reality?) – but it’s muddly and confusing. Too many numbers, simply put, in one paragraph. So, around is better than exact, in age.

Description... I don't know, there's an endless supply of things to describe, although a filter should always be on (tend to describe stuff that affect characters/plot/in general are of use in some way rather than describe for descirption's sake (as I do)). For people, there age, yes, there's appearance which can be tackled from a million different angles. There's body language, so what he or she does while doing anything else, or even just talking. There's voice tone. There's expression.

The general phrases - don't say afraid, remark on recoiled form, trying to squeeze into a wall, ro something like that; shivering, shaking, etc. To my view, that enormously imporves a piece as opposed to only saying, 'she's afraid'.

Then there's surroudnings - dunno, empty, dark street, wind whistling, whatnot, all these add up to atmosphere of a piece. Should it be joyful? Then what constitutes joyful? Sun, sure, and on and on. Chose and pick and make atmosphere, which also makes story.

Where characters usually become friends of sorts, plot makes reading interesting, descirption is - it's a window through which the reader sees your world. The reader has imagination and can imagine additional stuff (sometimes sthing competely different than what you write!), but everytime you look out of a window, you do see stuff, right? And it changes, created what you see.

Cheers,
Esme

Hey there!

So I like this, it's an interesting start. It's quite short, but I'll do my best with a proper review. :]

He trudged through the snow, slowed by the heaviness of the falling ice. The cold fallen snow was speckled with brown from dirt of the passing public.

As he walks, he takes a quick break to look around.

The rushing of the wind is too hard for the lighter to go, so he gives up.

The paint is chipped, and the windows are filled with darkness, but he knows that he's here, hiding somewhere in the cold, empty building.

As he walks, he sees a small girl, guessing her to be around the age on nine.

And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out.

First, caps in the title. (OCD )

I don't think you have too little description. Too much can make the story boring and make the reader lose interest.
Tense is important though,

He trudged through the snow

He walks on for about three yards,

with brown from dirt

The paint is chipped, and the windows are filled with darkness, but he knows that he's here, hiding somewhere in the cold, empty building.

Then, counting in his head to be sure he doesn't miss count,

As he walks, he sees a small girl, guessing her to be around the age on nine.

And she stared back at the boy, who looked about 28, who knew all too much, who had the darkest eyes he had ever seen before. And as she stared, she began to uncover every small detail of this 17 year old boy, inside, and out.