Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

E - Everyone Language Violence


by Wolflover1

The man on top of me looked oddly familiar. I guess I can't really say he looks familiar, since I can only make out his eyes they were an Icey blue. They stared into mine with such love that they left me speech less.....

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
2425 Reviews

Points: 256095
Reviews: 2425

Fri Jul 30, 2021 7:31 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The man on top of me looked oddly familiar. I guess I can't really say he looks familiar, since I can only make out his eyes they were an Icey blue. They stared into mine with such love that they left me speech less.....

Well...this has to be one of the shortest works that I ever ran into on YWS, outside of works that were meant to be only one sentence long...and well, I have to wonder exactly where this one was meant to go here. Its not small enough to be considered one of those one sentence works, and it also doesn't really seem to going anywhere in particular here. Its hard to tell if this is meant to be a first chapter, or some sort of prologue or even a blurb here. It just kind of feels like a random moment from a random scene here.

Anyway, moving past what this piece could be and into the piece itself here, this isn't exactly a bad scene you have is a pretty neat little piece and you get a feeling this is meant to be a bit of a romantic scene of sorts with these two here perhaps having a moment of some sort, at least that's the most that I can analyze out of what we've got right here. So, anyway, that is kind of all that can be discerned from this scene. It is for the most part, quite vague here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe

Random avatar

Points: 737
Reviews: 30

Wed May 08, 2013 1:12 am
MissCaroline wrote a review...

Along with what Kayfortnight had said, I believe this chapter has to be expanded on a ton. I don't know if we can fully classify this as a chapter yet. I've seen some pretty short chapters in stories, but I think this one's pushing it. It would be more acceptable if the chapter told the reader something. Like why is there a man on top of this woman/man? Is it a man and a man or a woman and a man? There's so much detail that's needed in this. It leaves the reader wondering and confused.

Kayfortnight pretty much covered the grammatical errors, but one other thing is that there should be a comma in between "eyes" and "they".

Anyways, this chapter needs to have way more details. Expand on this and I think it could have potential.

Random avatar

Points: 3068
Reviews: 161

Wed May 08, 2013 12:23 am
View Likes
kayfortnight wrote a review...

Kay here to get this work out of the green room.

First things first. This is not a chapter. The shortest chapter I've ever seen was about half a page, and it said far more than this in a few short words.

Speechless is one word and icey should be lowercase in the context you use it in.

There is almost nothing to review here. You need to expand it by adding more details and more story. All I know here is there is a random person looking into a man's blue, loving, eyes. Not much, is it? Who are these people? What are their wants, hopes, and desires?

User avatar
33 Reviews

Points: 283
Reviews: 33

Tue Apr 16, 2013 3:58 am
davidechoe13 wrote a review...

OK, here is my review, I really think that this story has potential but i found some small problems i would just like to address. The first would be the story, like i said this has potential but you really just don't get the story across, now i can see if you are wanting to open up the story and the character is hanging off the edge of a cliff and it makes you wonder how he got there, i see that, but i would like to see how that is addressed, perhaps with a flashback or something. Another thing that i noticed was that i really don't know what your character looks like, i'm not sure whether they're a boy or a girl (which frankly would be a little weird concerning the situation) i can't really picture them or connect with them. I also have no idea what kind of setting these two characters are in are they in an airplane? A spaceship? I just can't see it. Also Why cant he\she see the man on top of them? Another thing would be, i'm interested in the "Oddly familiar part" you could really turn this into a mystery, and have an excellent plot. All in all, excellent, i love the cliffhanger, the detail and everything, keep up the good work.

User avatar

Points: 790
Reviews: 4

Sat Apr 13, 2013 1:50 pm
TheSparrowsAnd says...

Is... is this it?

Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee