Hey there! I'm here for the Big Review.
If this review makes no sense, please bear with me, as I am rather sleep-deprived at the moment.
This poem speaks to me rather strongly. I believe that there is an answer to everything, a complete worldview, so to speak, though I don't think we could achieve it in this lifetime. But I think we have to try, and I am well acquainted with the feeling that while there is an answer, it seems just out of reach - we know something is there but we can't make it out.
Overall, I agree with a lot of what Rydia said in her review - the imagery is rather disjointed, and it might be good to stick to more natural themes. Perhaps instead of hearing the music from a recording, you could have it actually be from someone playing the music (on a piano or something) in another room. If you do that, the person playing could be interpreted as God, who has all the answers, which would tie in to the message of this poem.
Flow and other Technical Things
From across the waves
It's there, I know, as
the salty blue air that touches my lips and
particles of oxygen await their passage:
the spacious lungs, the hundreds of arteries, ongoing
as shards of the setting sun floats in the water.
1. The "from across the ___" form works well in the rest of the poem, but I don't think it works here, mostly just because the second line doesn't fit grammatically with it. Perhaps "From across the waves / I search - it's there, I know..." That gives you the verb that is missing.
2. I'd recommend taking out "that" in the third line. It may not be quite what you mean, but it really tripped me up the first time through. It makes the next line read awkwardly.
3. I don't think the fourth line works very well. Perhaps describe more what the lungs are doing, and relate it back to the sea so that everything ties together more. You could compare the rhythmic breathing to the tide or something.
4. In the last line, "floats" should be "float," as "shards" is plural.
From across the room
I can hear it through the wall
the volume is at twelve but
I can recognize the soundtrack:
tiny vibrations through the stirrup, the anvil, ongoing
as smoky clouds embrace the moon.
I really like this stanza. Aside from what I said above, really the only thing I have to say is that the last line feels rather disconnected from the rest of the poem.
From across the field
I can see it through the fence
it's hidden among the ants and rolly pollies but
I know it's there:
a mourning dove, a flickering candle, ongoing
as leaves of fire die away.
I also really like this stanza, though I think you could explain the imagery of the last lines a bit more. Why would it be mourning?
I'd get rid of the "it" in the second line - I think it makes the first and second lines flow better. You could also put either a comma or a period at the end of the second line to end the thought.
From across the silent room
across the autumn-touched trail
swept with the salty wind
and waiting within:
there's just one key that can fit in all
the keyholes.
This stanza was intended to tie up the other 4, and it does that pretty well. Minor quibbles:
1. Why describe the room as silent? I thought you could hear music playing.
2. What trail are you talking about? Why not just refer back to the field?
I like your closing lines - I think they're a good, powerful sentiment that wraps up the meaning of the poem.
Anyway, I hope this helped a bit. If anything was confusing, just ask and I'll clarify.
Have a good day!
Nice job.
Thank you so much!
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