Young Writers Society

Hi there!

I saw that you posted this chapter while I was stalking your wall and I figured I'd come check it out. I went back and read through the first two chapters so I'm all caught up. There are so many great reviews for them that I didn't feel I could add anything constructive.

The other reviewers have mentioned this already, but I wanted to give my two cents on the opening of this chapter. The transition from the last chapter to this is backtracked a bit. It's mentioned in the last chapter that Derick hadn't seen the buffalo in such a long time. Repeating at the beginning all that information about them and what happens in the town because of it isn't quite important. At least not at the moment. If this had gone through Derick's mind when he first saw the animals it would've fit well. By this point though, he's already heading off to the animals. I was expecting a smooth transition to the hunt.

The part about Hezekiah being too old to hunt threw me off. There hasn't been any mention of his age before now, unless I missed something, so I was surprised to find that he's older. It was an odd excuse as well. I mean, Derick is friends with him, right? Of course he'd know Hezekiah wouldn't be able to hunt with him. But why couldn't he just ride alongside Derick? I feel like you were trying to give us some information about Hezekiah, just at the wrong time. There was a greater opportunity to expand upon Hezekiah in the previous chapter.

Okay I know this part is going back a chapter, but I didn't want to give you such a short review on either chapter. The funeral is a bit too mysterious for my liking. I'm all for withholding information from the readers in order to create suspense, but at times it's not needed. From the context clues I decided the funeral was for a parent and a child. What doesn't quite make sense though is why Derick was so upset about it all. There's no context clues I found for that reason. As it's written now, I really have no reason to feel sympathy for him. The scene falls short of what it could be. Just a bit more detail would help immensely.

One thing to remember as you continue on is that this a story. It's being written out by Derick yes, but it's still a story. There should be a good balance between story telling and what's written by this man. We're not just reading what he wrote down on a page. If you think about it, there would be considerably less details and such if we were reading it off of what he wrote. The novel wouldn't work as well as a whole. Just be mindful of that. Sometimes there'll have to be details that Derick wouldn't possibly remember, but are important for us to know as readers.

The end here where the boy supposedly shoots the buffalo is a bit confusing to me. Well, there's really only a few things confusing to me. One, where does Derick point the gun after the boy shoots first? I had assumed that it was at the buffalo, but the desperation in the boy's voice made me think Derick was aiming at him. Even just adding "at the buffalo" or "at the boy" would make a world of difference. (I sure hope it's not at the boy. That would just be mean. Why does my brain think up these things?? o.o) Second, the path that the dead man's horse takes wasn't quite clear. I thought the horse was running away from Derick and the boy when really it was running toward them. That could use a bit of polishing as well.

One final thing. It's mentioned that the buffalo don't usually come around, so the people of Ashcroft jumped on the opportunity. But where are all these people when Derick gets there? I know there's more than just Derick and this boy chasing around the Buffalo. Remember, character's surroundings is just as important as what's happening to them. It also helps fill out the story around that character.

That cliffhanger though. I love it! When the boy said he hit the wrong one I was sure he meant he wasn't aiming for Derick's buffalo. I never expected it to be a person he shot. Crazy.

Do tag me when you post more

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hello Wolfie!!

I'll admit that for most of this I wasn't sure where it was going and what the point was going to be. We learned some more about the MC and there was this hunt and the writing was very pretty but that was that and it felt a little flat and unimportant. But then! Dead body!! So now I'm really excited to read on and see what's going to happen with this dead body situation.

We talk about this every time - you're writing is beautiful and poetic and rich and you're so good and it's not fair. :p

All of that is still very much true, but I think there is also a slight down-side to your style. I touched on this a little earlier, but I think the prose moves slowly. I'm not wading through molasses but I'm also not on the edge of my seat wondering what's going to happen next. It has a very literary feel which is not a bad thing if that's what you're going for. I think it's just something to be mindful of. You're capturing us with your writing, but I also want to be captured by the plot and the characters and to me, the pace isn't quite getting me there yet. (But obviously it's still very early).

I always have a hard time coming up with specifics for you, but I will try!

It wasn’t common for them to wander into such a region of hills and valleys.

Ashcroft sprung up as a mining town,

The stories she told me about him only left me feeling empty.

The jailhouse was usually empty, and by the way he scratched his head I could tell the sheriff was bored with himself.

By the time we caught up with everyone, Rocky and I were already far from the town, so far that we couldn’t see any buildings save the church and the graveyard.

In any case, the rest of the herd was well ahead and there was more killing to do, so to the ringing of the gunshots, the joyous cries, the bleating calves, and the moaning beasts, I spurred Rocky forward, weaving between fallen buffalo with a tingling of excitement in my blood.

I think that Bill Marr used to be a nice guy. A while back, when my mother was about to surrender herself to men and their money, he took her up himself and married her. He gave her two children and that cabin but not much else, save for beatings and cruelty. So much for kindness.