z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Red Wolf

by Wolfi


A/N: My submission for the Endangered Animals Club contest, in honor of National Endangered Animals Day on May 20th. I wrote it in about two days, so it could use some editing and expansion. Most importantly, however, this is for the red wolves <3

---

When I set off for a walk in the woods, I wasn’t expecting anything special to happen. Heck, I didn’t even bring a camera. All I really wanted was a dose of freedom and, I suppose, the added bonus of the pine-scented air, neither of which are easy to find in the clogged streets of Nashville.

Early that morning, I stepped down off my grandfather’s porch and gave the wooden black bear standing guard at the gate a congenial pat on the head. When I entered the forest the evergreens instantly welcomed me into their abode, enveloping me in dappled shadows. As my mind wandered my footsteps wandered as well, taking me over sprinklings of pine cones and beneath boughs of needled branches, where hardly a human footstep had ever fallen. I was confident in my sense of direction and didn’t bother following the main trail. Most of it, though - wandering from the trail, I mean - had to do with Oreo.

I tried not to think about it, but the dirt road revived all the old memories of the precious walks we used to have together, passing by Oreo’s urine-marked trail items such as weathered wooden posts, abandoned mailboxes, and mossy park benches. Whenever we’d stay at my grandpa’s house we’d go on at least three long walks a day, just because he loved the forest so much and loved marking his territory.

Those things simply hurt too much to look at,. Not to mention his freshly dug grave, in one of the meadows further along the trail.

I trekked further into the sea of trees and, as pitiful as it seems, concentrated on experiencing the soreness in my thigh muscles instead of worrying over the pain in my heart. Gradually, the pine needle carpet began to slope upwards. The forest thinned out ever so slightly, and the earth gained a more rocky composure. A normal human being would have turned back at this point, satisfied and too weary to travel much further from home, but I of course pressed onwards, wondering if perhaps at the summit of this hill I could see my grandfather’s house, isolated in its own little pocket of trees.

Not long after that notion was surmised was it forgotten, for hardly a few minutes later, I discovered the so-called “something special,” that which I teased my readers with in the very first sentence of my narrative.

When I stopped for a quick breath, I could hear something treading ever so softly over the pine needles and cones in the cluster of trees up above. I stilled my footsteps and waited, breathless, squinting into the trees ahead. Whatever it was, it must have heard me first. After several moments of silence, it didn’t show itself. I figured it ran away, stealthily and silently.

I was happy - giddy, really - to have a reason to explore, and kept walking, my eyes peeled for any sign of movement. Now I was less interested in escaping from my sorrows and more engrossed in finding this creature.

Hardly five minutes later, as I was climbing onto a mantle of needle-speckled rock and staying as quiet as I could, I spotted a tall cluster of boulders. After weaving through the dense foliage that sprouted from the cracks in the ground, my pulse quickened. I could see the entrance to a cave.

“Good God,” I said. Guess I forgot the part about being quiet.

At this point, I reeled in my excitement and reminded myself to be extremely cautious. I had no idea what, if anything, was in that cave. What kind of animals live in the wilderness of Tennessee, anyway? Cougars? Wolves? I thought of my uncle’s wooden black bear and added those guys to the list of possible cave creatures, too.

I looked down, grabbed a big stick, tapped it on the rock next to the tiny cave, and, after several seconds of white-knuckled silence, inched inside.

I gasped when I saw pictures on the wall. There were ancient little drawings, painted in faded red and black, and traced over cracks in the stone. What were they called? Hieroglyphics? I reached out to touch them, then stopped, my hand hovering in mid-air, with the distinct feeling that someone was watching me.

At the entrance of the cave stood a wolf, its legs and paws a rusty orange color and its fur a mix of brown, red, and black. I looked into its golden brown eyes, and it into mine, and before I could stop myself I stumbled backwards and fell, brushing the hieroglyphics with my hand.

I started to get up and grab the stick to defend myself from the wolf, but when I grasped it, the wood simply dissolved in my hands. I looked up and watched in horror as the rock-hewn cave started to fade away, gray slabs of stone peeling away from the walls like paper leaves from plaster, exposing startlingly blue skies and green plains. The wolf still stood there and I cried out to it, confused and scared.

The words do not be afraid echoed in my mind. It was the wolf, speaking to me. This is my story, it said. Just listen.

~*~

The year is 1854.

The Native American warrior Red Wolf sprints across the plains, his tears blinding his eyes and smearing the black warpaint on his cheeks. He should have never left them. He should have stuck close to the pack and scared them away and into the mountains before the white men could find them. By this time, they were almost certainly all dead.

Even when the gunshots died away, he could follow the scent of the campfire easily. The white men didn’t know how to cover their tracks. When he found them, Red Wolf flung himself wildly into the fray of their camp, caring not when he crashed through a pile of firewood and startled the horses, caring not when he brushed against the flames and leaped over the yolk of the wagon, but caring only when he saw the line of red wolf carcasses lying in the dirt, being prodded and prized by the white men.

Red Wolf whisked out his hunting knives, poor weapons for such enormous revenge, and leaped towards them. It was hopeless. He fell among the others, defeated. Extinct.

~*~

That was only the beginning, Red Wolf said.

I shakily rose to my feet and left the cave, salty tears clinging to my cheeks. But if anyone would have looked into my eyes at that moment, past the rim of tears, they would have seen the fire of determination dwelling in my soul.


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Fri Dec 17, 2021 8:23 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Wolfi,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You have conjured up quite an intriguing story with an unexpected twist and a very exciting ending. When I started reading it, I didn't think we'd be moving into a twist like this, where the story takes on whole new outlets.

In terms of writing style and tone, I think the story has been written very well. I would say there are two different styles that I see, some of which are a break in the story. The first half focuses with a kind of past, silence and loneliness. Your descriptions are emotional and bleak, yet beautiful. They cause one to feel a kind of sympathy for the narrator. I like how this also works appropriately with the walk and the story of Oreo. It's about here that there's a break:

Not long after that notion was surmised was it forgotten, for hardly a few minutes later, I discovered the so-called “something special,” that which I teased my readers with in the very first sentence of my narrative.


I find that from this point on the story moves on to a different extent. If the first half was still like a distant, blurred memory under water, here we are now moving above the water. The descriptions become more direct and everything seems more realistic, and it also moves faster. I think this also brings me to a point of criticism. The story takes a different turn from the quote onwards. I think this is good, but the pace increases from here on, which means that a lot is lost. The effect you created loses a lot of its meaning here. I think if you tried to build on this with the gentleness of the first half as well, you could keep the effect there and then leave the reader with a bigger wow thought at the end of the story.

In general, I liked the story. It had a unique plot line and even though I didn't like the second half as much as the first half, I definitely found the result worth reading and special. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




Wolfi says...


This is a blast from the past! Thanks so much for this review, Mailice! I agree with what you said!



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Sat May 28, 2016 10:55 pm
Wolfi says...



A/N: I would like to edit this work, but the editing feature hasn't been cooperating. That's why you'll still notice a typo or two and a painfully abrupt ending D:




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Sat May 21, 2016 3:18 am
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Zackymas wrote a review...



Ello hello there~
Je suis ici pour revue ton recit~ (I hope I got that right)

Well it's a pretty neat story that you've got here. Kuddos for the original theme, and the use of actual locations for your it to take place. Most people'd have simply not stated the place or just made it up right there (myself included) but you gave it a touch of world-building just by saying it takes place in Tennessee so kuddos again :3

Now let's go to the review itself. "As my mind wandered my footsteps wandered as well" Here I recommend replacing the second 'wandered' for 'did'. It feels cleaner and more professional, grammatical repetition is always a harsh *****.

"Those things simply hurt too much to look at,." That comma, I'm sure it was just a typo so don't worry. Just make sure to correct that.

Something to look at it's sentence length. This is very important when writing short stories (for real, I can't stress how much it is) because short stories are written either setting a big event, or a general mood. How long your sentences are will help in the immersion when trying to get your readers engaged (which is always) and increases the feeling of tension (which is crucial when building up an event, and if I'm not wrong, that's what you tried to do with this story). You start with sentences a little bit longer than they should; not that you must cut them, but just have in mind that it's always better to start with short sentences (Less than 10 words) in order to get your reader's attention. Then, when you are sure they are reading good, you can start building up longer sentences, for your readers will want to keep going through and this will help to keep a good pace during your story.

"over the pain in my heart" Uhh, I think you could use some imagery here.

"A normal human being would have turned back at this point, satisfied and too weary to travel much further from home, but I of course pressed onwards, wondering if perhaps at the summit of this hill I could see my grandfather’s house, isolated in its own little pocket of trees." Back to sentence length here. In this fragment, you must do some cuts, for real, each time I read it I usually skip around two propositions.

"“something special,” that which I teased my readers with in the very first sentence of my narrative" Did you just break the 4th wall? Not recommended if not doing satire~

"When I stopped for a quick breath, I could hear something treading ever so softly over the pine needles and cones in the cluster of trees up above. I stilled my footsteps and waited, breathless, squinting into the trees ahead. Whatever it was, it must have heard me first. After several moments of silence, it didn’t show itself. I figured it ran away, stealthily and silently." This part is the total opposite of the other one regarding sentence length. Here you managed to grab your reader's attention with a surprise [something treading ever so softly over the pine needles]. Readers want to dwell more into this scene, for surprise grabbed their attention without them expecting it, and people like that. I think here you should abound more on this scene. For real, movie material :v

" - giddy, really -" Here the '-'s aren't needed. You could've simply written "happy, giddy to explore" and that'd work better (imo) since it keeps with the flow of the sentence.

"At the entrance of the cave stood a wolf, its legs and paws a rusty orange color and its fur a mix of brown, red, and black. I looked into its golden brown eyes, and it into mine, and before I could stop myself I stumbled backwards and fell, brushing the hieroglyphics with my hand.

I started to get up and grab the stick to defend myself from the wolf, but when I grasped it, the wood simply dissolved in my hands. I looked up and watched in horror as the rock-hewn cave started to fade away, gray slabs of stone peeling away from the walls like paper leaves from plaster, exposing startlingly blue skies and green plains. The wolf still stood there and I cried out to it, confused and scared.

The words do not be afraid echoed in my mind. It was the wolf, speaking to me. This is my story, it said. Just listen."
Now this is the moment, the event you had been building for, the confrontation with the creature mentioned earlier. Only problem I see here? Well, quite simple, you spent more time building tension for the event rather than the event itself, and that didn't quite work since it wasn't nail-biting tension. Just 'uhh' tension. Please don't feel bad, for building tension is something very hard to do so don't worry just because you didn't get it right this time. One of the problems here is the change of mood and the lack of imagery. Should you adapt the story to the moment's mood and add some more descriptions to this event and I think everything should be alrighty ^-^ oh also, that small dialogue in the MC's mind, I'd consider rewording the first sentence, it just feels tacky and fastened.

Last but not least. "fire of determination dwelling in my soul." Why was the MC filled with determination? Shouldn't she be scared? Terrified? Disturbed?

Overall it's a very good piece, some minor tweaks and it's Hollywood material :v okay bad jokes aside, it's pretty good, you just need to hone a few skills such as imagery and wording. You already got a pretty solid vocabulary so you can start with a strong foot ;)

Keep writing~




Wolfi says...


Great advice, Zack!

This story is certainly not my best material. I spent about 90% of my time writing the first half of the story, the part leading up to the climax, and then by that time the contest was almost over and I had no time. So yeah, the ending was terribly abrupt and the climax was terrible. xD

And now, as I try to fix things, the "Edit work" feature isn't working. *panic!*

I really like what you said about the sentence lengths and how to build tension. That's good stuff to chew on. Thanks so much for this awesome review! :)



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Sat May 21, 2016 1:40 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here for a quick review. :D

Early that morning, I stepped down off my grandfather’s porch and gave the wooden black bear standing guard at the gate a congenial pat on the head.


I was surprised to read this the first time, because a bear being a guard?! Then I noticed it was wooden... and now wondered how big it was. ._. Do people make wooden animals to stand guard? :o

Those things simply hurt too much to look at,.


Typo! :D

But if anyone would have looked into my eyes at that moment, past the rim of tears, they would have seen the fire of determination dwelling in my soul.


Nothing grammatically incorrect, but I would want some clarity of what determination she has right now. I assume it's the determination to fight for the wolves, but other interpretations are still possible, because there's no explanation behind this. I think adding in another couple of sentence to elaborate would make the message more powerful and clearer.

Anyway! This story is well-written; in my inspection, there's no grammatical error except for a typo. I like how you describe the settings. It doesn't go over the line, just enough for me to visualize the forest and all.

I wonder what is Oreo? I know it's an animal, but I don't know what animal it is. It can be a dog or a cat, anything that pees on four legs? Perhaps you can clarify that too.

I also think the death of Oreo can be tied in to the Red Wolf. After hearing Red Wolf's story, I think the protagonist would be reminded by Oreo's death, how its natural (?) death is devastating, and so massacre is even worse. That would give some coherency in the story, because the transition from thinking about Oreo to finding a cave to finding Red Wolf to hearing its story is a bit sudden. This connection can make the protagonist's recounting of her moment with Oreo necessary, too, instead of just being reminiscing of the past.

Overall, this is a nice story. I like the message about the animals. I can see what you're trying to achieve, and think it can be made better. Keep up the excellent job! :D




Wolfi says...


Yo, Light!

Thanks a lot for your review! I posted this late last night and would have gone back today and edited it (fixing many things you mentioned, although I didn't catch that typo!), but the "Edit work" feature isn't working. I'll have to report it to Nate.

Oreo's a dog! And yeah, I would have loved to have tied him into it more if I had been given more time! That's one thing I'll definitely do once I can edit.

The wooden black bear was one of these cute guys. They don't literally "stand guard," but I guess I was using that for personification.

Thanks, Light!



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Fri May 20, 2016 9:08 pm
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belladonna wrote a review...



Wow. Words can hardly express how impressed I am. This is a very emotion heavy piece. Living in a community with a large native american population, it makes me sad to remember the awful things that happened to them, along with what is still happening. I loved the nature scene, although some things seemed a little out of place, or unexplained. If the narrator has walked this path so many times, she obviously lives around here. Who doesn't know about their local dangerous wildlife? Apart from that though, it was a fantastic story. I'm excited to read more from you in the future.




Wolfi says...


Thanks a lot for your input, and I'm really glad that you liked it!

The main character lives in the city, Nashville, and only visits the distant wilderness to visit their grandpa and take Oreo on walks. So, although I could have made that a lot clearer, that's why they're kinda clueless about wildlife.

Thank you so much! :)




No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
— Daisy Bates