Allo.
Let's start from the beginning, here.
Your first scene, with the straw, seems rather convenient to me. I thought the situation was at the end of a massacre, but the straw would've taken some time to lay in my mind. At the very least, it would've soaked up some blood. Unless he staged a trap after, but that's not clear. It's a very murky start with a few nice details, but the timeline feels really tangled up. It currently has a few contradictions, like the seemingly recent dead yet the time to set a trap, but the soldiers are still there for him to set a trap.
It'd be nice to have a clearer understanding of how this timeline went. Right now, my best guess is this:
1- Soldiers attacked, he fled
2- They stayed to try and find him
3- He came back, set the flame
But that's only a best guess. It could just as easily go like this:
1- Knowing it was hopeless, he set a trap
2- Once the damage was done he sprung it
See what I mean? There's this inherent uncertainty with the kinds of events your planning, and it doesn't help the character's morals aren't the clearest. I'm not sure he left them to die or went to avenge them, but if he ran then he'd be branded a coward.
It's not making much sense.
One thing I did like was how detached it was, oddly enough. It makes sense for the situation, but the cause isn't the clearest. I'm not sure it will be even in a revision, but right now I'm caught between thinking it's his guilt at letting them die or the disgust he committed the revenge.
Your transition was nice but a bit predictable; I knew that's where he'd end up the minute I read it.
You kept the same detached style for the second segment, where it stops being as good a choice. For somebody who just witnessed what your first MC did, it makes sense he'd be viewing this from the outside. But for a lost princess who is feeling just a bit scared and lost, it makes a bit less sense.
Having run away from her imprisonment, she can’t help but to feel troubled and in danger, even though the nature around her amazes her to no end. Finally outside, but at what cost. What a bittersweet smile.
This little segment is one of the things I'm talking about. It's a bit of a gem in terms of the internal conflict, but it's not explored. Painting this conflict onto the background— a moon lighting the trees but casting shadows that could hide people who'll take her back or predators who'll kill her, for example— would help a lot, because then it becomes much more real to us, somebody not as familiar with her mindset or surroundings.
The ending got a bit muddled with the punctuation. This segment:
“Looks like you’ve finally run away, Rin-dono**,< period” capital> she straightens up with a shock period> , [something to denote him speaking] ”capital > no worries, I’m not here to take you back. I just know you, since after all, you were supposed to be my fiance.”
It took me a few reads to understand what that paragraph was supposed to mean, so a little clean-up is required.
Overall, I'm intrigued, but I found this just a bit muddled and distant in the second half. Getting your timelines in order and using the setting to paint emotion (if you're going to be staying distant about what the character themselves are feeling, it's best to bring that into the setting so we get a better idea) will help a lot.
Drop me a line if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272
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