~ Deleted from existence ~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there Kyousuke.
Personally, I think you should of start your story from some vital point of the tournament. To me, this feels as though I'm in some boardroom meeting where they do all the mundane 'behind the scenes' planning.
I do not need to know this. Let's say you were taking part in some soccer tournament. Would you want to know what the organizers of that tournament were planning in their boardroom, or actually play the game and hopefully beat the other team?
If you want to have this story start in some boardroom meeting, then there needs to be some sort of conflict or interest, not just mundane details of the tournament. If you have time, I highly suggest that you check out the first chapter of the fantasy novel "Golden Compass". The first chapter also has a boardroom meeting, but it doesn't feel mudane and redunctant because there is both intrigue (dust) and conflict (the main character Lyra got too nosy and is forced to hide from the masters to avoid getting into trouble). Check it out sometime and you'll see what I mean.
I hope this review has helped.
Andy.
I really liked this story, and I think that for a first time fiction writer, its really good. Thou I wondered what the whole tournament thing was. If you just explained that it would make a whole lot more Denver. Keep writing!
A
I'll check that book one time
I've fixed what was mentioned, except the Kyou appearing all of a sudden ( special reasons, will be explained in the first chapter ). Thanks a lot for the help =)
So far I believe this is the most stable version of the prologue, I'll most probably finish chapter one by tomorrow so I'll let you know ^^
First of all, I love the story idea. Is it in anyway influenced by The Hunger Games? If not then you should really read that book, it's really good. OK, now for the quote, sorry, I know this is rude but, I hate that name. Try coming up with something that isn't so... not creative. For me writing anything besides fantasy fiction is painful so take this the right way when I say that this has huge potential!
A few more things, the transition from when the main character was in the meeting room to when he was meeting his "students" was sloppy. I thought he was still talking to the other people in the meeting. Also one of the students who you said didn't like the Rosey character, seemed like he did in the dialogue between him and her.
Once again love the story please PM me when you post more! <3
Thanks a lot for your opinion tRiCk. I've rewritten the prologue, giving a lot of new information, widening the sentences a bit and even scoped a bit at the three guys ^^ I believe now it's way better than the previous version and I think it has all it's got to say, because the rest will be explained as the story goes
Kyousuke
First of all, I'd like to say that I am also trying out a fantasy story for the first time and it is indeed hard.
What I noticed about your writing was that the tournament, guild, and teams were not explained well enough. Maybe its just me but I think perhaps you are just making the same mistake I did.
When I started writing I of course had the whole thing thought out in my head,but when I was writing it down I tended to leave out crucial information without knowing it. And when people would question it, I saw my mistake.
Finally I didn't continue on and simply wrote out an exstensively detailed outline for every single plot in my story.
Maybe if you try that out it will help.
Thanks for sharing your story,
tRiCk
Oh, and your story makes more sense than mine. Ha ha.