Numbers - Ch1

by Wolferion
  • October 7, 2011
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Science Fiction

Deleted from existence~

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
tinny
Review
tinny wrote a review · Sat Oct 15, 2011 8:50 pm

Hello there, Shinda! Science fiction is my guilty pleasure, and I've decided to indulge myself ;D

Some nitpicks and small things, to begin with:

not to mention the strange colors; it’s like I’m witnessing a color negative.

You've a bit of repetition with colour there.


With bland mind I soon reach an end of the forest and see vast plains and mountains.

Bland seems a bit weird here, perhaps numb?


The worst pain is at my my upper left arm, where I have a small box injected into my flesh.

I don't quite understand the imagery with the small box here, perhaps a little more description to clear things up?


Okay so, I love stories that start with action. I'm the kind that gets bored with too much dialogue and description and pages and pages of setting the scene. I'd rather things happen, such as in this!

I think the issue might be, however, that there's too much happening. As a reader, we've been thrown into this world headfirst. Our MC is dying and has an important mission. He's lead by a girl that is supposed to be dead, ends up in a sort of limbo, wakes up in pain, it's a little much to take in all at once! The pace is moving so fast that it's hard to keep up with it all as there's so much information to process all at once.

It's the sort of thing where, if you were to read it yourself it would all make sense because you understand the complete story. My advice would be to slow things down a little, and perhaps even to add a little more description in to ease the pace but to flesh out the setting at the same time.

Still, you've got me interested ;D I'll be keeping my eyes open for when the next chapter's posted. Hope I've been of some help, if you've any questions and whatnot then shoot me a PM.

- tinny

User avatar
Butterfly18
Review
Butterfly18 wrote a review · Sun Oct 09, 2011 7:14 am

Well I liked this. Like the previous poster said, the dashes were a bit over used.4
I feel like I can relate to the character for some reason even though I don't know much about him yet so that's good. As for the plot, I don't understand what's going on, how its relevant to numbers, nor do I have any hint as to what the overall issue is that is going to drive this plot forward. In chapter one, we've got to at least get a hint.

But, other than that, well written in my opinion. :)

User avatar
Starrywolf
Review
Starrywolf wrote a review · Fri Oct 07, 2011 9:43 pm

“Your breath#BF0000 ">e is unstable, your current temperature is thirty-nine point two degrees celsiu#FF0000 ">s. Immediate medical care and rest is advised.” A soft female voice resounds in my hazy mind. It’s just an earplug, but it’s damn right.

I feel so confused I can’t feel the mountain wind’s coldness, I’m not even sure if all the trees and plains I see are true, not to mention the strange colors; it’s like I’m witnessing a color negative.

Leaning on my silenced sniper rifle I somehow walk forward through a forest, repeating over and over again one single thought just like a curse – Where are they?

Dead bodies at the camp, poison darts, colleagues gone. Damn, funny job – It hurts to think.
I let out a deep exhale as I fall on my left knee. World seems to spin fast around me, I can’t seem to hear well.
“Warn— brain--tivi---itical.”

I – have to go. It’s my duty. Get up. Get up! I said – get up!

“Damn you!” I barely manage to stand up, yelling and leaning all my weight on the rifle.

Move!

Slowly I drag my feet forward.

A girl in cowboy clothes in front of me leaves me awe-struck. She smiles at me and points to my right.
“This way.” A very familiar voice.
“S-Sarah?!” But she’s gone.

Can’t- be real. Must be – the poison. She’s – dead.

Despite denying what I’ve just seen I anyway turn to the right #FF0000 ">(I'd say 'turn to the right anyway' would hit the ear a little more smoothly.)and continue. It just feels right.

With bland mind I soon reach an end of the forest and see vast plains and mountains. Unable to stand anymore I roughly hit grass. Ignoring the pain I somehow pull the rifle in front of me and grasp it with all my remaining strength.

I – do not have much time – #FF0000 ">In most of these I'd use ... instead of -, but I think that's more of a personal thing than grammar.left. My heart – too loud.



It seemed dashes were a tad overused, but other than that, I enjoyed it. Keep up the good work. :)



Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge!
— April, Parks & Rec