Hello there, Shinda! Science fiction is my guilty pleasure, and I've decided to indulge myself ;D
Some nitpicks and small things, to begin with:
not to mention the strange colors; it’s like I’m witnessing a color negative.
You've a bit of repetition with colour there.
With bland mind I soon reach an end of the forest and see vast plains and mountains.
Bland seems a bit weird here, perhaps numb?
The worst pain is at my my upper left arm, where I have a small box injected into my flesh.
I don't quite understand the imagery with the small box here, perhaps a little more description to clear things up?
Okay so, I love stories that start with action. I'm the kind that gets bored with too much dialogue and description and pages and pages of setting the scene. I'd rather things happen, such as in this!
I think the issue might be, however, that there's too much happening. As a reader, we've been thrown into this world headfirst. Our MC is dying and has an important mission. He's lead by a girl that is supposed to be dead, ends up in a sort of limbo, wakes up in pain, it's a little much to take in all at once! The pace is moving so fast that it's hard to keep up with it all as there's so much information to process all at once.
It's the sort of thing where, if you were to read it yourself it would all make sense because you understand the complete story. My advice would be to slow things down a little, and perhaps even to add a little more description in to ease the pace but to flesh out the setting at the same time.
Still, you've got me interested ;D I'll be keeping my eyes open for when the next chapter's posted. Hope I've been of some help, if you've any questions and whatnot then shoot me a PM.
- tinny
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