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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey Kyousuke,
Now I would like to start off in saying I like the first version of your poem better than the edited version. The reason being that I think you have tried too hard to add words that do not necessarily need to be put into the poem for example:
The added words here just do not seem justified and they annoy me a little. Having said that i do like the addition to the next line:
I think this lines creates very good imagery and it really makes me feel what the character is going through. It also ties in nicely with:
Anyway, maybe its just me. But i liked the simpler of the 2 versions. All in all a good poem. Keep on Writing!!!
Hi Kyo! I said I was soo gonna review, so I'm here to review!
So, I really liked this. But, there are some parts where I think it sounds a bit cliché and off. For example, here:
The repetition here doesn't work, it stalls the poem. Plus, it's a bit... not whiny, but something of the sort.
So, now, two things!
Thanks for posting!
- Kat
Thanks for the comment Ninett =) With a little bit better knowledge at writing poems I'll try to write another poem this week. I hope I won't mess it up =D
"Between the dazzling leaves of autumn
So many that I barely see the path
So many that my eyes lack the mouth
I’ve lost myself in the colors of autumn..."
You described it so that I thought it was me standing there..... really very nice. And the beginning is quite capturing. The colors of autumn, the leaves, everything seems to be so real, although the rythm is sometimes broken, but it creates the scenery.
I've edited the first post =) I honestly hope It's better now.
Thanks everybody for your opinions =) I've got a lot of subjects to study for, it's January, a lot of exams coming up, so I'll try my best to make this piece better once I'll have the time to sit down and think. I'll make sure to remember all the points you all gave me to make it less cliche, less repeating and more colorful. Once I'll get it done, I'll edit it in this topic and write a post to let you all know.
Once again thanks a lot to everybody ^^
Kyousuke
This ending is fantastic, but there's something I'd like to see throughout the entire piece. The word autumn is central, and it is the focus of the piece, but there's no reason you can't use a few synonyms of it, like "The Harvest", or "Fall". It'd put more variety into each line, and you won't end up with the repetition of the word autumn. That repetition just takes the piece down a knotch.
Kick it up! Keep at it and make this piece even better than it is now, because this is a very good piece aside from the autumn repetition, and anything anybody else notices, of course.
Hey, Kyousuke! Great work here. I'm a big fan of autumn, and the leaves and colors are my favorite part. I'm partial to this, to say. But as Hope mentioned, try to avoid things like "my shattering heart was bleeding". It's sort of cliche. And it goes right through your poems as she said, as well. But this is amazing. I love this. Great, great job.
Tata!
-Mizzle
Hey Kyousuke, quick tip when doing poetry- Try to avoid things that are overused, such as "My shattering heart was bleeding", because it tends to through off your poems. But I loved how you kept the leaves in throughout the whole poem, and I think you did a pretty good job with this poem, I like it. Keep writing
.
Heh xD Never heard that song or read another poetry about leaves. Anyway , point taken =) Once I'll feel like writing poetry again as a break from writing normal stories, will definitely try to make it better
Thanks a lot!
Hi there!
This was nice, just ugh, I've seen this to many times and it seemed to me it would work more for lyrics rather then poetry.
It sort of reminds me of this song.
Very well, now:
This all seems to overused for me, though the metaphors you used were very nice for my mind's eye. They created nice images, so I'll focus on your improvement of those.
When I read this, I just saw leaves and someone standing. You want to use creative, descriptive words that will mold your readers intake of the imagery you've laid out for them.
For example, what are the leaves doing? Are they just falling to the ground like rain? Or are the twirling and spinning in the wind? Create that, just don't expect the reader to fill in the lacking information on their own.
I hope that makes slight sense and it helps you out.
Keep writing
Kamas
Thanks a lot for the comment! I changed the last line in the first stanza, not much but should be better, I think ^^
Hey there! This is going to be a short review because I don't have much time.
This is a lovely analogy. I'm a big fan of Autumn myself, so I definitely approve. I also like the way you carried it on throughout, the metaphor worked and is really nice.
I don't, however, like the repetition in the first stanza. It doesn't work, so I'd change the last line to something else.
I'm really sorry, I'm a little rushed right now, but just take it from me that you did a good job!
~Amy