lies

The idea was good, but maybe add a little more to it? It was a little hard to follow with all the line changes and everything, but overall, I look forward to the perfected version! Other than that, anything else I'd say has already been said.

Cheers!

~Eden

Spelling in some places need work, that or wording...I liked how you described things and such...Overall: Awesome! Still needs work though...

Heh, I like silver and spiders...

Death

its pretty interesting. But it really makes no sense to me, I suppose. But then again my opinion doesn't really matter to you. So anywho the words were pretty neat making cool sentences. Didn't match together for me atleast. But still I liked this. ^_^

I'm not a poetry know-it-all

but i like the poem,

the only thing that bugs me is the way the lines are broken

because it destracted me from the work itself.

But thats just me, someone else might love it.

I like the fact of the "errors" of the grammar
were they intentional?
sometimes we have to rebel against what the english language to get our points across
Dont change a thing
these are great metaphors u r using here

It's very different, don't agree with lies being like Spiders, as I love them, but it's from ya mind so won't be too nit picky about it. Now on second read of stanza two, I agree it uneeded and cluttered it up. I can't say much more even though I don't agree with spider thing, it's well written.

Overall: For a first try, it deserves a star. #

Good luck
VSN

Wolf,


Consider dropping all of S2.

The enjambment in S1 works well enough until the last two lines. There is no reason to break " / find / out." It makes no sense stylistically, i.e. it doesn't contribute to the flow or structurally suggest any changes, and is an eye sore aesthetically. Other comments I've left to in-line specs; if you have questions, feel free to ask.

the lies are silver(,) [/]
like (scar tissue and) spiders’ silk, strung (/) and woven [/]
between the shoulder-blades [and] (/) hidden [/]
under a shirt where no (/) one can see( them) [/].
(you never know,)[/] but she will (/) find (/) out.

(scar tissue is flesh apart.
you can trace those gossamer strands from a focal point,
watch them spread out like wire-thin
antlers through ripened flesh.)

they think they can hide
behind their lies. this thing you call safety(.)[,] it has
no voice(. /)[,] nothing but the (minute) clicking [/]
of tiny spider fangs (/) as they sew silk [/]
across the skin behind your heart.


Thanks for letting me read,
Brad

Truely astounding Camille!
I know that you have the mind to creat something like this and I have already told you but this poem is just simply amazing!
The words that you have put together are really moving and I wisj to have a copy of this one. I hope you don't mind.

Please, you should have conyinued with tihs one and made much longer for I know that you can do it.

Pease take my consederation into thought and amke it longer.

Shanana-cat!

Thanks, you guys!

I would change that period to a semicolon (:wink:

Hi, long time no see! First thing I will say is to use capital letters at the start of each sentence, as with prose as with poetry.

this thing you call safety. it has

and woven between the shoulder-blades.

find
out.

scar tissue is flesh apart.

s you know me CamilleI won't do something extraodinary, but I thought that it was quite amazing indeed!
Very well done my friend!
Tootles,
shanan-cat!

Wow, thank you all so much! I didn't expect to receive many positive reviews.

Azila > I'll take your nit-picks into account as I edit. And yes, I did intend for 'she' to be anonymous.
Kenpachi Masamune > I don't want to capitalize the beginning letters, but I appreciate your suggestions on structure. Those things will be fixed as I edit. =)
Cade > thank-you so much! I will fix the things you mentioned -- you really know your stuff when it comes to poetry!
gryfalcon > I don't like that line either -- it was bugging me as I wrote this. Thanks for your suggestion; I'll definitely take it into account as I edit.
GryphonFledgling > thanks! Praise is always nice to hear, and I'm glad that you thought it was organic -- that was my intention.

Again, thank you all for your input!

- The happy Camille

'K, I'll say right now that I am no expert at poetry. But this was just so pretty that I had to say something.

I really liked this. It just felt so delicate and organic, like I was holding a spider web between my hands and could feel all the strands. Yes, that sounds weird, but that was exactly what I was thinking when I read this poem. You captured this fragile essence that just rocks my socks.

Fabulous job on this poem. Even the fact that all the letters were in lowercase emphasized the delicate nature.

*thumbs up*

Loved it.

~GryphonFledgling

I agree with Cade about being specific, and I also think that the line breaks, while good, could maybe use a little more work. A really great image, though, and you develop it perfectly--not too much repetition or detail, just enough to give us the right idea but keep some of the mystery. One little thing:

scar tissue is flesh apart.

Kenpachi - Capitalization in poetry is a stylistic choice for the poet. Camille, I think the lack of caps works fine in this poem, especially because you included proper punctuation. It balances it, I think.

Being specific. You've definitely got a good start. I like that you've chosen to focus on one strong image when talking about such a broad, abstract subject. You could hint a little more at the context; I do like the mystery of not knowing the details of the lie in question, but the only reference you really make to the particular lie is "but she will/find/out."

Line breaks.

lies are silver.
like scar tissue and spiders’ silk,
strung and woven between the shoulder-blades.
hidden under a shirt where no
one can see them. you never know, but she will
find
out.

antlers through
ripened flesh.

behind their lies. this thing you call safety. it has
no voice.

LIES

lies are silver. (Capitalize L)
like scar tissue and spiders’ silk, (Caps L. Spider's (one spider))
strung and woven between the shoulder-blades. (Caps S. Shoulder blade)
hidden under a shirt where no ( Caps h. Drop 'where no')
one can see them. you never know, but she will (drop 'no one can see them, but'. 'She will find out)
find (drop)
out. (drop)

scar tissue is flesh apart. (Caps S)
you can trace those gossamer strands from a focal point, (drop 'You can'. drop 'from a focal point' (no lens so no focal point, excessive to))
watch them spread out like wire-thin
antlers through (caps A)
ripened flesh. (merge with above)

they think they can hide
behind their lies. this thing you call safety. it has (Caps B, drop next piece to new line, merge 'It has' with line below.)
no voice.
nothing but the minute clicking of tiny spider fangs (Caps N, drop minute, awkward)
as they sew silk across the skin behind your heart. (Caps A, drop 'across the skin')

Interesting poem, some parts of the structure didn't make sense, and some of the words were out of order or just plain awkward. I tried to fix that up a little for you, but some pieces could be rewritten or have more dropped to make it more powerful.

Hi, Camille!

You know as well as I do that I'm extremely unexperienced in poetry... so my review probably won't help at all, but I just had to review this because 1) you wrote it 2) it didn't have any reviews yet.

hidden under a shirt where no
one can see them. you never know, but she will

scar tissue is flesh apart.