Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
[scene one: Bedroom]
Man and woman making out, the woman keeps the hand on the man’s chest and slightly pushes him away breaking the kiss.
The woman says “You’re getting a little too romantic today”
“ Of course Honey it’s the day we first met” the man replied “I have so many memories of this day” he continued
“Like?” she asks curiously rolling her eyes
“ It was early November, You were strolling in the pa-”
“come on it’s time for the meds honey” she abrupted the man as he was profoundly musing about the past. Approaching him with a box
“ I hate the syringe” he complains
“ I know David but… we can’t help it you know that, right? Doctor Karl has suggested that you’ll be off the bedrest if you keep on taking it”
“Yeah right,” David said.
“ You sleep well okay I’ll be back by morning” She tucked him into the bed after injections
“ stay safe,” David said
The woman nods and leaves.
[scene two: an Office space]
“ doesn't seem like you had any progress, Jen?” Karl asks
“Nope” Jenny replies expressing disappointment
“ the same old November story, I am sick of it” Jen annoyingly cuts an apple,
Three men surrounded her cubical to express their concerns.
[Scene 3: home ]
“Honey I am home” Jen enters the house
“Honey?” she looks for David and finds him in the garden
“ Daveeeee I told you not to go in the sun”
“ Sorry sweetie, it was just, I was just watering the plants”
“ you done with it?”
“Yeah”
[ montage of them cooking, she sleeping in his lap, watching Tv, she stopping him from stepping out, cooking again, feeding the dog ]
“ Time for meds “ Jen instinctively says
“ I don’t want the meds Olly,” David said with a straight face
“Why, David, Doctor Karl sai-”
“ I don’t care what he says,” David says with an innocent frown
“ I gave the liquid to Snoopy, he slept all day, Tuesday, last week”
“That was you?? I thought he was sick” “You didn’t tell me anything when I asked”
‘Yeah you are saying these are some vitamins but it’s some sort of sleeping drugs”,“ I get nightmares of someone intensely interrogating me” David states breathing profusely
Jen approached insisting “Look David”
“ Olivia please “
“ Okay okay” Jen replies “Calm down” she says
(a pause for a few minutes)
“Baby, I'm dancing in the dark
With you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass” starts crooning softly
“Listening to our favourite song
When you said you looked a mess” she continued singing
(pause)
David starts smiling
“ I whispered underneath my breath
But you heard it
Darling, you look perfect tonight” David continued the song and they shared a hug
“ shall we make a baby tonight ” he whispered “Only if you take the meds” she whispered back “All right,” he pressed his voice a little, he took the meds and they started making out and undressing
[scene 4: the FBI office]
3 men staring at Dekstop, lean forward, Karl avoids looking directly covering his face through his palms, looks anyway at the desktop nervously put his both hands on his forehead the other two start giggling, (camera blacks out)
[ scene 5 : Jen enters next day]
“ you had a steamy night Olivia” someone teases from the background
“Hey olly next time take me with you “ they continued mocking
She walks up to Karl, Marlon, Anthony
“ WE DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS SHIT” she screeches
“ you took on the case don’t forget it” Anthony sighs scratching his head
“ all of them watched it?” she questioned with humiliation
“ NO NO of course not we didn’t either “Karl replies
“ speak for yourself” Marlon smirked
Jen punched him in the gut immediately.
“OHh UGhhhh Jesus christttt it hurts”
Chris enters “what are you doing all of you” annoyed
“Why are we wasting time”
“No sir we have a lead” Jen cuts
“After 3 months ?”
“I did not know him opening his mouth would take me opening my pants”
Everybody uncomfortably smiles
Jen smirked, “play it Karl”
(audio plays)
“ why …did ..you do …that… olly, you didn’t… had to… do… it”
“Weee… could’ve… lived a gooood liiifeee, I loveee”
David murmurs while in trippy state
“ what did I do dave?” what did I do” Jen interrogates
“ you betrayed me” he murmurs
“How How howwww, say it....say it goddamit”
“ you slept with Karl” he says
(audio stops)
“ what? that’s it? what did you get out of that” Chris asked annoyingly
“ he says betrayed,” Karl says with conviction “If Olly sleeps with Karl the word he should’ve used is ‘cheating’ not ‘betrayed’ ” Jen continues.
“ Are you insane, you guys are reading too much” Chris says, Marlon nods in the background
“ in one week we have to release him” Chris agonizes
“ and this is what you got “ he adds further
Jen is zoned out, Karl avoids eye contact
“ wrap this up” Chris turned to Anthony and Marlon walked away
“ sir give me one more chance” Jen requests strongly
Chris turns “ Last”. “ will be enough” Jen replied
(Chris leaves)
“ what’s the plan” Karl eagerly asked
“Bed wrestling again” Marlon smirked
“ yes,” Jen replies while punching him in the gut again.
[scene 6: Bedroom]
“ how was the baby making last night” Jen playfully asks
Karl narrates: “David Harlow, 39, 11th Thomas Street, Arizona, a retired police officer, allegedly mentally impaired and partially visually“
“ it was fun, thrilling, and scary,” David says nervously
Karl: “ was the prime suspect in the disappearance of Olivia Harlow,31, wife of David Harlow, she was a reputed public servant, involved in the investigation of 4 missing girls case, the suspect argues that his wife has run away with her acquaintance… Karl Chaplin”
“ Do you want to do it again” Jen seductively approaches David
Karl: “The case which was closed a year ago was reopened by Jennifer Kirsten, an investigation officer, and a close acquaintance of Olivia Harlow”
Jen kisses David
Karl : “The case was undertaken again in the pretext of putting David in a natural environment, who believed that Olivia had run away and making him believe that she had returned through…medicinal drugs”
Jen and David start making love
Karl “That will put him off his defense and make him confess”
“ David why did you kill me” Jen sleeping above him asks
“ I did not kill you” David murmurs
“Yes you did and hid the body somewhere none can find,” Jen asked discontentedly
“ if I’d killed you, Olly, You wouldn’t be here with me,” David said
“ you know it's not me, it's your Olly, you are dreaming,” Jen said
“ then it's a beautiful dream”
“NOOO Dave you killed me” Jen impatiently asked
“Olly said that you are suspicious about her helping me connect the dots about the girls, you are responsible for the girls too right? Where are they? did you kill them? where are the bodies?” she said in one breath
(A long pause)
“ Olly is alive in my heart” David murmurs
“ How, why “ she whispers
“ Because she is hot“ he continued cracking
Jen slowly puts her head down on his chest.
Karl: “We hereby release David Harlow with immediate effect because of lack of evidence to and apologize to his family members his brother Kevin Harlow and his sister law liza Harlow for putting him, a mentally impaired patient through this misconduct”
[scene 7]
Jen leaves the house for the last time
“ Goodbye honey” Jen relived flying kisses to David
“oh wait a second sugar bear” David stops her.
Kisses her, whispers to her in-ear “You were a better sex than Olly ever was, Jen”
Jen looks at him surprised. “ I hope you find her in the afterlife”
-Wisdom Parkour.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hey friend! Ellie here with a review. I enjoyed reading through this and wanted to offer some suggestions and interpretations for your story
I wonder what the ] is at the end of the word bedroom. I think you might have forgotten to put the opening bracket at the start of that line.
I noticed you left spaces between the " and the first word in some spaces and just wanted to point this out, since you don't need that space there.
This line makes sense but does not sound super natural. Maybe something more like "Oh, baby, if all you need is to be loved in my arms, that is all you need to say. I will be yours all night long."
The word "shall" sounds really formal, especially since this situation seems a lot more relaxed. And the word alright has an extra A at the beginning. Using the word 'lil' also seems very casual, especially since that is not a person speaking, rather it is a narration which has not been this casual until now.
I was really confused with this section and what was happening
Maybe add a space after the word right and capitalize the first words after the questions marks.
Those are just the little things I wanted to point out, but I appreciate you sharing this story! It is a very interesting plot and I found the conversations to be engaging. Great writing! Writing with this much dialogue is extremely challenging and I think you did a wonderful job
Have a wonderful day!
Your friend,
Ellie Mae
Hii Ellie
Thank you for taking out your time and reviewing my work. It means a lot %uD83E%uDD79
First, I want to admit that I am very new to writing stories also I made this piece very quickly cause I wanted to send it to a potential client so I didn't review it, hence all the grammatical mistakes and drawbacks, which could've been brushed if I had the time to proofread it.
Now I am gonna explain the part which you didn't get so here Jennifer the prime investigator briefs his boss about last nights in act interrogation in which Jen drugged David and had sex with him so she could question him about the missing girls and WIFE the real one.
A big thank you for considering the effort put into the work and please stay tuned I am gonna post more %uD83D%uDE0A
Thanks again for a such a beautiful reveiw : ")
This is a very meticulous piece of writing, we follow our lead character and are instantly enthralled when we see that there is more to the story than first meets the eye. While I loved getting to the end and seeing the story play out I do wish all of our characters had some time to properly get introduced. While the story was captivating in its plot it was hard to keep focused when I was unsure which character was which. Besides establishing roles and making sure the characters are memorable when introduced the story makes sure to keep the audience guessing as to where the story will ultimately lead.
Thanks Mayaura For reading my work and reviewing it with a healthy criticism, I want to mention that I am not professional writer neither I had written a script before this was my first work that too done in a hurry so I couldn't proofread it to make it much captivating but I will definitely take in the recognition of everyones review and edit the work for better engagement THANKS a ton !
Also on the story part, there two names for one character one where she's acting with the suspect and another who she is around her colleagues, any suggestions on how to make it more easy to understand would be appreciated