I wrote this short poem a while ago. The ending was most recent. Hope you enjoy regardless.
One day I'd like a boys heart.
or maybe I already have one,
and didn't even notice that I'm wearing it across my chest.
Maybe it peeled off, and got wet in that puddle I stepped in.
Or maybe I didn't mean to, but passed it on to some other girl whom deserves it more than me...
But I want it back, and go back to the boy who gave it to me and...
And tell him that I will be his, if he'll be mine first.
Tell him that I'd love him as long as he wanted me to.
So, what happened?
About 3 months ago, I opened my front door and a young man was there, wanting my heart.
I gave it to him willingly.
We've been loving each other unconditionally.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Short. Simple. Lovely.
Keep writing.
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
The concept behind your poem is very sweet and means well. The poem as a whole though does not have any emotion and planning. Emotion meaning that I do not feel what you wrote because of the way you wrote it. These are just words and nothing special. I did not like how things were just plain and straight forward (I'm sorry, that's just me). Planning in terms of the relationship between the beginning and the end. You start by wishing for a boy's heart, right? The way you transitioned from wanting it to having it, I think is the element that blew everything to a disaster. Your poem though, well intended, could be extra special if you could tweak it a little bit. That's my honest opinion.
Keep writing
Hi there,
Your voice is very sweet in this poem, which I like a lot. I also like all the different ways you thought of how you might have lost a boy's heart in the first stanza. There are a couple of things I think it would benefit you to change, though. First, you should probably delete the ellipses (...s) at the end of the first stanza. They distract from the flow and make you seem hesitant about your thoughts. Another little thing, make sure you capitalize the first letter of every new sentence (ex: the "or" in the second line). Now, I love that there's a happily-ever-after to this story, but I think it could be communicated more meaningfully than you do it in the three lines at the end. For starters, they are rather choppy. Also, instead of asking "So, what happened," do something more poetic. Tell the narrative about how he showed up on your doorstep; if you could make the ending as flowing and thoughtful as the beginning, you'll have a great poem. Thanks for sharing! Let me know if you have any questions!
Nice poem. Well written.