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140,479 Literary Works • 673,247 Reviews
Hello, With3r3dros3! VegasLights here to give you a review! I love your poem, it is absolutely beautiful. I have a few concerns though, here they are.
Details. Details are an important part about writing poems. Because you can't just say something, and expect the reader to create something up it has to be from you. I want you to maybe explain why they left and how it felt, but don't say it either. Instead of saying why they left and how it felt show it, show us all why and how hard was. Tell us why you left yourself and why they don't want you. You just need to elaborate on the details.
Repetition. Repetition is found in your poem. I mean with your poem it works, yet it doesn't. It would work even better if you added those details there, buddy. Or you could use a Thesaurus to find synonyms for "left, want, and need" because that would add a lot of pazazz to the mix.
Hey, buddy we might be best friends but that just means that I got to be a little tough on ya. I also want you to have the best poems out there so I got to help you, and not sugar coat it. But, I still loved your poem and it is just those little\big things you need to edit. Thanks for your time and I hope your day will go okay or according to plans.
~Keep Writing!~
Miranda
Everything goes according to plan
I'M THE NEW CANCER NEVER LOOKED BETTER YOU CAN'T STAND IT.
Okay sorry.
Thanks, Miranda! This helped me a lot.
xo. Phoebe
No problem, Phoebe. OMG, I love that song!
xo. Miranda
Yeah same.
What a wonderful caricature of intimacy
HEY THE xo. [name] IS MY THING
now I know what gets you mad *evil laugh*
lol and something else gets me mad.
You should know.
ya, i do.
I GET YOU!
Thanks, Kimmycat!!
I GET YOU!
I certainly like the repetition format going on here, it's engaging indeed. However, I would like to see more from this. It's good right now but I think more details would help it go a long way. Describe the narrator's emotions. What happened. Example 'Shame. Neglect. Deprived. Nothing. He is happy. She is happy. I am empty.' (explains transition of emotions, to the point where it has reached emptiness) or something like that. It would definitely provide more definition to the poem as to what happened. The ending on all of the verses was powerful, as it shows how the speaker completely threw away themselves. As if their worth was nothing.
Ayy! You pull off repetition en masse, which is rare and odd, and I like it. Let's talk about that for a moment.
So my first critique is that this is heavily on-the-nose, meaning that everything about the poem is just delivered to the reader without any effort or intuition or inference required. Because of this, it loses reread value, which is a shame because otherwise it would be a very strong piece, I think. All the same, I can relate to the sentiments given, and I understand the emotion coming through clearly, so that's a non-issue completely.
What's the narrative here? I feel like there would be more connection to the narrator if I, the reader, knew who the he/she/they were. I mean, my mind can fill in the blanks, but narrative poetry is strong in that it sets a platform for us to understand the context of poetry so that we can draw our water from it--and everyone draws different water. What do you think?
I like the diminished ending in smaller text. Whispered. Neglected. Tired. Defeated.
You did a good job of delivering some strong emotions, and I hope you can improve the delivery even greater still. Keep me posted!
I hope this helps,
Ty