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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

His Story, Not Mine

by WinnieIsNotABear


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

"What do you remember?"

"All of it."

"How you met?"

"Of course I do."

"Can you tell me?"

Silence.

"Miss Domson? We can speak about something else if you like. Something not involving him?"

Him. It's silly, no one speaks his name, it's like the word has become infected. Diseased.

"No, it’s not that."

"Then what?"

Sigh, "I don't see the point."

"Well it may not seem a necessity to you Miss Domson, but I need to know what happened, to help you find peace with it."

"Me and my mum, we had an argument. It was about her new boyfriend; I was complaining about him being a creep. She thought I was just trying to get her to bump him."

"How old were you then?"

"Uh… fifteen, I was sixteen the next week."

The Doctor wrote that down, quite possibly wondering if they could add another underage case against him.

"I went to the shops down the road; there was an old café there, quite place. I got myself a coffee. That’s where I met him."

"Serving you?"

"No. He came up to me when I was sat down and asked the time. He was there as soon as I sat."

"He asked the time? Is that all?" A look of doubt.

"Well, yeah. He said that his watch had broken and he needed the time. I gave it to him not asking any questions."

"But surely that wasn’t all it took for you to go with him?"

A light laugh. "Of course not. No, I saw him again the next two days. This was on my way back from school, he asked me the time again, saying his watch was still broke."

"How long did this go on for?"

"Just those three times, I asked why he just doesn't get a new watch or check his phone, something like that. He said he was just making an excuse to talk to me."

"How did you react to this?"

"I was flattered. I had a bad day at school, mum was giving me the cold shoulder and his smile was just so... intoxicating."

"Intoxicating? How so?"

"Just… he made me feel as though that was my smile. Like I was the only one to ever see it."

"So there was a sense of trust?"

"Definitely."

"So, what did you do?"

"I didn't want to go home, so I asked if he would like to buy me a coffee; which is something I never do. He didn't even hesitate to say yes."

"Were you in school uniform at this point?"

"Yeah, but probably took off my blazer, what with it being mid-summer." More writing. "Anyway, we walked over to the café, the one where we met. On the way I introduced myself, he also did, saying his name was Matt."

"But that isn't his name."

"Well I know that now. He didn't have a last, necessary. We got the coffee and, I found myself telling him my problems, my whole life story was laid out on the table. I didn't even know this man."

"How did that make you feel, telling all this to a stranger?"

"Safe. Like, somehow, all of my problems will vanish if I told them to him. He hardly said anything to me, just nodding."

"How does this make you feel now?"

"Stupid. But I don't regret it, I don't regret a single part of the time I spent with him."

"That's a very strong statement Miss Domson. Saying that could make life a whole lot harder for you."

"I never dismissed any accusations, Doctor. I even confessed to holding back evidence."

"Which a note has been made of. But this is not the courtroom, Miss Domson; you have no need to defend yourself."

"I guess so. But I'm not taking the easy way out just because it's there."

"Of course, why don't you continue with the story?"

"Hour's had passed without us, or at least me, noticing, by the time I had finished it was dark out and I had a lot of missed calls from mum. He didn't interrupt me when I spoke, not once. I noticed the time, I started to leave. But he stopped me. Grabbed my arm. I remember him looking me square in the eyes and telling me that he was leaving that night, that I should get my things and meet him in the car park.”

“And how did him treating you that way make you react?”

“I was scared. Something in his eyes was warning me not to trust him. That if I let this continue I would regret it. But he smiled, and all the doubting thoughts shifted to longing and excitement.”

"That is when you left?'

"Yes, I got my things and met him in the car park. We left that night."

"Where did you go?"

"Just some cheap hotel in town. We hit the road the next morning, leaving everything behind."

"This is three days before you were sixteen?"

"Yes, I believe so."

“Did you not think about your mother before you left? Your sister?”

“Don’t try and make me feel guilt Doctor. If I hadn’t gone with him that night who knows how this would have turned out.”

"Was this the start of your relationship, Miss Domson?"

"No, like I have said to the others. He didn't touch me before I was of age. I wasn’t just another girl he picked up."

"How do you know that?"

Light laughter. “It that not obvious Doctor? I am the only girl to last this long.”

"Where did you go first? Kent?"

"No, that wasn't until later. There was one before."

"Do you wish to speak to your lawyers, Miss Domson? I would advise it."

"What would be the point of that? I told them I would tell you everything about his case, so I will tell you what I know."

"Before you start, I must ask if this will open another investigation. This will save more questions later on."

"There will still be questions though. People asking the same pointless questions over and over until they get the answers they want.”

"I shall pass on the information you give me."

"Naturally. We first went to Poole. It's a small city in the South. We drove through the day and went to another cheap hotel. I didn't get much sleep that night, I was feeling the nerves of leaving. But as soon as I looked at him sleeping, I felt safe again."

"Why do you think that was?"

"He rescued me, gave me something most people only dream of: a fresh start."

"Do you remember anything strange about the drive to Poole?"

"Not strange, but this was the case wherever we drove. Avoid motorways and main roads. Only taking back roots. It’s obvious why now but at the time, I thought it was odd."

"What happened in Poole, Miss Domson?"

"When I woke, he wasn't there. I looked around the hotel for him but he wasn't there either. His car was gone. I felt for sure he ditched me. I remember crying as I packed up the few things I had. I had no phone or anyway to contact anyone. I left it all behind."

"Why didn't you just ask the front desk?"

"I was going to. As I was leaving the room, he came back. We met on the stairs. He asked where I was going, his frown made me feel inferior, like I was in the wrong just thinking about leaving without his permission. I told him that I thought he left me, he told me that I was being stupid and he will never leave my side."

"Did you believe him?"

"Still do. He hasn’t diched me yet."

"What happened next?"

"I asked him where he went and he told me there was a restraint where we can eat. Completely avoiding the question. When we went, I asked him his story. Having told him all of mine."

"Did he tell you?" She leans in, obviously having trouble talking to him during their sessions.

"He told me what I wanted to hear, Doctor. A story about a dead mother and abusive father, run away orphan at thirteen. If you want the truth about his background you have to ask him."

"Right… Well, seeing as you were a young, recluse, irresponsible and impressionable girl, you clearly believed him.”

"Just because I will not tell you irrelevant information does not mean you can be unprofessional, Doctor. But yes. He won over a lot of girls with that tale. Looking back, it actually seems obvious he was lying. No explanations or information that what not necessary; well-rehearsed."

"If you could go back, would you believe his lie?"

"No, but I would only push him to give me a better lie. There was no way in hell he was going to tell me about his Uncle then. He was only telling me what I wanted to hear."

"His Uncle? What about his Uncle? Miss Domson I highly advise you to tell me what you know about him. It could be crucial to the case-"

“Or fulfilling your own curiosity? If you don’t mind, Doctor, I would like to continue with my story. That is why we are here, is it not?”

The look in her eyes would kill a man, but reluctantly, “Yes, you are correct. Please continue.”

“Thank you. When I woke in the morning he was not there once again. There was a note on the bed side that told me to stay in the hotel and if he isn’t back in a week to go home.”

“A week is an awfully long time in that situation. Do you have any idea to where he had gone?”

"Probably trying to find a girl. He didn't get one in my town and was probably needing a fix. He came back around midnight though. I was sleeping and he woke me by humming 'Happy Birthday' in my ear. I remember the room was dark, the only light coming from the candles on the cup-cake that was on the side table. I was just like a dream. That was the first time we had sex.”

“What were the technicalities of this, Miss Domson? Was it at all force- “

“I was of legal age and it was fully consensual. There was nothing illegal about our time together and I resent that you think he would be that kind of a mons- “

“He is that kind of a monster, Miss- “

“No he isn’t. He never violated them.”

Beat of silence. “Lying to yourself may make this easer for you… But right now we need to focus on truth. Would you like to take a break, Miss Domson?”

“No. I want to be done of this as soon as I can.”

"We went into the town centre the next day.” Small laugh. “I was in a strop because he didn't hold my hand.”

“Do you think he shared your feelings?”

“I honestly don’t know. There must have been something there, but I doubt he shared my feelings. He wanted me close to him, staring down anyone that looked at me too long.”

“Looking back at it now, do you think you can work out what he felt in that situation?”

“He was probably on a high temperament, seeing, hearing, and feeling more because of his need. Most of his actions were to set up his next victim. The only reason we went to town was so he could find another.”

“Who did he find?”

“I think it was a music shop, there weren’t many people it there. She was a worker, older than me, late teens early twenties.”

“Was this one of his victims? Did you catch a name at all?”

“I think it started with a T... Trish, I want to say… But I’m not sure sorry.”

The Doctor wrote this down, frowning slightly. This is one of the reasons why they wanted her to talk, to learn about unknown victims. “Did her appearance follow the pattern? Was there anything special you remember?”

“She fit the bill. Could pass as my sister, like the others. I can’t remember anything special about her. Didn’t get a good look.”

The Doctor nodded, looking up with a smile. “Please continue.”

“I remember that the she had had an argument with a boy outside the shop as we walked past. He went inside to talk to her, told me to stay hidden in the back aisles. I did as was told. Next to no time passed until he can back to find me, a small piece of note paper in his hand. I joked that no one has ever pulled that quickly, but he didn’t appreciate the humour. He went out that evening, clearly going to meet up with the girl.”

“How did this make you feel? Him going off like that?”

“I was heartbroken. But I couldn’t help but feel it was my fault. Like I wasn’t good enough to keep him with me. Stupidly I thought that just meant I needed to get better. It was full twenty-four hours before he can back; wearing different clothing and smelling of damp. I asked him what happened, where he went. He told me we were leaving.”

“Did you not think this was odd behaviour?”

“That was nothing compared to the car ride.”

“Please explain.”

“He was different, he didn't smile and he chain smoked almost a pack an hour. He spoke more as well. Told me that we were going to settle down, get jobs and stay low. At the time it was the most I heard him speak. It was a little annoying."

“That must have been traumatic for you.”

“It was, the faults of me staying with him were showing, it was the first time I truly felt scared. Only then did I realise that I ran away from home with a stranger.”

"What do you think happened to the girl?"

"I think he was rushed, something must have gone wrong and it freaked him. That’s probably why there was never really an investigation into it. I remember seeing on the news, a girl was found dead in a bathtub, classed it as suicide after her boyfriend broke up with her.”

“Are you sure it was him? It might have been a suicide.”

“Possibly, but I know how he does these things. He was cut short of time, a parent coming home. He always tries to make it look like suicide.”

“Okay Miss Domson, I will pass that on, thank you. Where did he take you next?”

“That’s when we went to Kent. But we took a long diversion around London. I think he was paranoid someone was following him, never stopped longer than an hour at any one place.”

“Where was the money coming from? For petrol and the like?”

“He told me he saved up, been planning for a while. But I have never seen him use a card, he always had cash.”

“And later on? Do you now know where the money is from?”

“He robs banks. I have been present for one of them, only last year actually”

“Why did you not tell us this information before? That is a serious offence Miss Domson, that information alone can put you both in for life.”

Shrug, “No one had asked before, Doc. But can I ask for this to be brought up another day? I think the deaths are a little more important than money...”

“You will be investigated for this after. For now, what happened in Kent, Miss Domson?”

“Just as he said in the drive there, we settled down. We both got a job in this greasy spoon, the owned rented us the place on top. It all happened over my head; he can talk himself into anything.”

“You really settled down…? I’m sorry Miss Domson, but I find this hard to believe.”

“It was only for a month or so. I had two pay checks. But time didn’t really matter back then, as long as I was with him I didn’t care about much else.”

“What did you do, at the greasy spoon?”

“I was a waitress. He mainly dealt with customers, working on the till as well as any bits and bobs that needed to happen, putting up shelves and the like. The owner worked in the kitchen and this kid, the same age as I was, also waited.”

“A girl?”

“A boy. Marten. He was nice, a bit of a nerd; he came out as gay just a few days after we arrived. Poor guy was stabbed to death in an alley near his house.”

“Do you know who did it?”

“No, people were always getting stabbed that side of the city, the police classed it as a hate crime.”

“Who do you think it was?” Of course they would suspect it was him.

“I don’t know. It wasn’t him, he never touched guys, never even gave them a second- Well… There was something odd about it.”

“Miss Domson? Is something the matter?”

“Well… He did mention, muttering to himself more than me, that Marten had tried to kiss him.”

Kiss him?”

“Yeah. I vaguely remember seeing him with a black eye the next day. The two of them didn’t even look in each other’s direction. But he was really angered about it.”

“How long before the stabbing was this.”

“A day or two… I’m not sure.” A sad look. “I really liked Marten.”

“Do you think that he could have killed Marten?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I doubt there will be any leads to it. It was a few years ago and, like I said, stabbings weren’t uncommon.”

“What was it like living with him in Kent?”

“It was pretty normal actually. I cooked baked beans and we drank cheap beer. Kept our heads down, didn’t make friends.”

“How was he, in that environment?”

“He was still paranoid at first, making shore no one got to close to us. Changed our names to Roy and Jen. When we had order in our lives, he tends to be the most relaxed. Although, in Kent he didn’t sleep in the bedroom with me, not unless he wanted something, he mostly slept on the sofa. He even stopped smoking for a while if I remember correctly.”

“So you believe he thrived in that environment?”

“In my opinion, yes. If it wasn’t for that girl, Kira, I think we would have stayed like that longer.”

“You blame what happens next on Kira?”

“Of course I do! She was the one who was flirting. If she had backed off she wouldn’t be dead.”

“Do you really think that if it wasn’t Kira, no one else would have died?”

“Well…” She was right. If not her then who?

“Where you were jealous or Kira, Miss Domson?”

“No! Of course, not! There was no reason to be!”

“What was it then?”

“We were happy. He wouldn’t have looked at her twice if she didn’t force him.”

“Why don’t you tell me how he reacted to her flirting?”

“He started to drink heavily. He was hardly sober the last two weeks in Kent. Once he focused on her it was all he could talk about. He was really grooming her, more than any other girl I know of.”

“Two weeks? Why did it take two weeks?”

“For the first week Kira came in the cafe every day, just to flirt with him. Once she got his attention, she wasn’t falling for his lies. She didn’t tell him anything about herself, not even her name. That made him angry, and, mixed in with the alcohol he blamed me for it.”

“He blamed you?”

“Yes. He said that if I wasn’t there making her feel awkward, she would have been his. He became violent. I remember the first time he hit me, properly hit me, was after Kira snapped at him about me being his girlfriend. He hit me to show that I wasn’t. That he didn’t care about me. But he was quick …”

“Was all this because Kira wasn’t falling for him as you did?”

“I guess so. She finally let him in on the Friday, agreeing to have dinner with him on the weekend.”

“How did you feel about that, him going out with someone else?”

“Angry, I was basically his servant since we got there and he was taking out that bimbo just because she fluttered her eyelashes.”

“What happened in the last week?”

“I don’t actually know. Before he left for dinner he told me he won’t be back that night and I should cover him at work. He told me not to go anywhere except the flat and the café.”

“When did he come back?”

“On the Tuesday. But only to make sure I hadn’t done a runner. Unfortunately for me, I was at the shop when he showed up. When I got in he was on the sofa drinking. He asked where I was and I told him the truth… He handcuffed me to the water pipes in the kitchen after beating the shit out of me and leaving again. I should have left when I had the chance, but I just... couldn’t.”

“Had he done anything like that before?”

“No. But I was making up excuses for him. Part of me still believed what he was saying before, that he cared and needed me. I told myself he loved me."

“Do you no longer believe that?”

“He didn’t love me then, no. He had very strong feelings that he didn’t understand but it wasn’t love. I honestly don’t know why he didn’t kill me at that point. I was nothing to him and the police had reopened my missing persons case.”

“So what happened when he come back? How long did he leave you there?”

“It was another four days until he showed his face again. He was in a good mood and sober, grinning from ear to ear. When he saw me, he laughed an apology, saying that he doesn’t even remember doing that to me and how stupid it was. I still remember the vile smell that came off his clothing when he got close. I now know it is the smell of death.”

“That weekly period is when he killed Kira?”

“Yes. But I don’t know what happened to her.”

“Just knowing the timeline is more than what we expected Miss Domson.”

“Yeah, you can make me a fucking calendar.”

“Was Wiltshire next?”

“Yes. We stayed there a long time. I’m not sure how long though. I wasn’t allowed to watch the news, not after we caught the end of a press conference with my mother.”

“I fought the police called you a runaway and dropped the case?”

“When they found my phone in the back of a hotel chest of draws and video footage of me leaving with an unidentified man, they gave it a bit of attention, but there was no other leads so the dropped it again. Hardly lasted a week.”

“Did you stay in another hotel in Wiltshire?”

“No. He had a friend that was out of town for a few months, we stayed at his house.”

“Who’s house was this? Where was it?”

“I don’t know his name. I don’t know his name, but they were friends. He worked as a tradesman for some less then legal organisations and deliveries. Wasn’t there a guy recently arrested in Wiltshire? For transporting animals from India?”

A peak of interest. “Was that him…”

Small smile. “I recognised the place when they raided him, but they didn’t show his face in the news. The few times we crossed paths, he would warn as us that one of them got found out, the other would be soon after; that is was in both interests to help the other. Seems he was right.”

“Who is this man? Are they related or…?

“I don’t think so. They are close, you could say they are on the same wave length. But we will get back to that later. When we arrived, I was still in a piss about Kira. So he didn’t want me to leave his side in case I did something stupid. I was frightened to go to the police, every time I threatened him with it and he would laugh it off with a slap to the face. Acting like there was nothing I could report.”

“What did you do there? Did you have a routine?”

“Not at the start. As soon as we got there, he was looking for the next girl; he took me with him. He would call me his sister and that we were looking for a house that our parents recently moved to. He would go up and down streets, looking for girls on their own to ask.”

“Were you aware of what would happen after he found a girl?”

“Not then. Although I knew nothing good would come of it.”

“Can you tell me what happed when her find one?”

“He was driving down a main road. Asked her if she knew the address of the house we were staying in. The girl said she lived in a neighbouring house and was on her way there. He offered her a lift. She reluctantly agreed and got in the back. She was about her early twenties I think.”

“Did you not try and stop her from getting in?”

“How could I? It’s not like I could have said, ‘Hey girly, don’t fall for it, he is going to kill you!”

“Yes, you could have. And weather she believed you or not, I doubt she would have gotten in.” “And then what? He goes after and kills both of us?”

“You don’t know what would have happened. You didn’t try to help her…”

“When he was talking to her, he was leaning over me, in a way that was painful. I kept my mouth shut before he did something more painful. He gave the sibling story about, how we were looking for our parent’s new house. But she was asking a lot of questions, he didn’t like it. She said she hadn’t noticed the house being up for sell, and that her parents never liked her walking that side of the road, crossing the houses front door. Apparently, the tradesman wasn’t very good at keeping suspicions low. He wanted me to help convince her. And I did.”

“What happened when you got to the house, Miss Domson?” She was frowning, obviously questing the original story of innocence.

“We got there and he got out, locking the doors behind him. When the girl tried to open the door, it was clear she was starting to panic. He took a long time stretching outside; making sure no one was looking out the windows I guess. At this point the girl looked at me, asking to help her. But I didn’t even look back. I refused to know what was happening; didn’t want to believe what was happening. I blocked that day from memory for a long time.”

“Was this Lisa? Lisa Pennie?”

Short nod. “He opened the door and hit her around the back of the head; she was out like a light. He told me to help her out, I did so blindly- “

“Lisa was fourteen, Miss Domson. Not her early twenties- “

“We held her as though she had a limp, covering her slightly so the neighbours didn’t recognise her- “

“She was the smartest in her school- “

“He opened the door and we took her to the kitchen. He carried her bridal style when we go inside- “

“Wanted to be a Doctor, wanted to help people. Something she was easily achieving-“

"We went to the kitchen, he dropped her to the ground. Literally dropped her. Her head was bleeding from the impact.”

“She was a good person, helped with the poor, and the homeless- “

“He told me to leave; he gave me a handful of cash. Told me to catch the bus and book a hotel room. I didn’t even look back to the girl who was just waking up- “

“Lisa Pennie was a saint, Miss Domson. And you lead her to her de--“

“I KNOW WHAT I DID!”

Shocked silence. Not a sound for minutes.

“You’re not very good at your job, Doctor. I don’t need to justify myself to you. This isn’t the courtroom, remember?”

"I didn't need to be told that I should stay at the hotel. The thought of going out made me feel sick. I had already started to block the memory. I took the time alone to watch the news; it became an obsession of mine for the days he wasn't there."

"Why was that?"

"Checking in case there was any mention of us. My self-conscious didn't pick up on this though; I was keeping myself in the dark about all of it. Choosing not to notice the obvious signs. Although I did come to terms with our relationship while he was gone. He wanted me there in case something went wrong, he needed me to take the blame. Any normal person would have left, but even then I felt the lie he shows to keep me there is better than the truth I will see if I leave."

"You loved him."

"No. I was scared of him."

"It was a week before he came back."

"Did he say where he went, what happened?"

"No, he didn't even acknowledge he was gone."

"Do you have any idea what happened to Lisa?"

"Not a clue. Sorry."

"Right... Well, where did you go next?"

"We didn't. He wanted to take full advantage of the space he was given. So we went out once again, to the centre. We stopped off at the house and he told me to make a list of things we need to replace; I did as I was told. The house was messier then it was before. A lot more bottles and there were new stains on the carpets."

"Did he hold the money?"

"Yes I gave all my wages to him."

"So you didn’t have anything unless he gave it to you?"

"Exactly. That was one of the reasons I didn’t leave. While in town we had our first argument. I mean our first argument that ‘normal’ people have. It was about a stupid thing like what carpet cleaner would be the best for the house. But, we weren't a normal couple and stupid little things can easily turn to big things. I remember him yelling about how I dress to get other people’s attention, that I kept trying to make him jealous. I was yelling about the other girls, that he was just using me when no one else gave him attention. He hit me in public for the first time that day. My situation was suddenly clear to me, I was his and he will do anything to show that ownership even if in public."

"Ownership? You believed he owned you?"

"Well I certainly couldn't go anywhere without his say so. He started carrying a knife when we were out. Just in case I started another argument or tried anything funny."

"How did you feel, in that situation?"

"I don't know how to explain it. I guess scared, but I was happy."

"Happy?"

"I had a place to stay and a guy that looked after me. I convinced myself that it was because he cared. Granted he was crap at showing it, but he still made me feel safe."

"Did you continue to stay at the house?"

"Yes. Once again, we started to form a routine. It made him relax more. When the other households questioned us, we said we were cleaners, we were actually cleaning so it wasn’t too big a lie. The police didn’t ask our house about the girls-

“-Lisa’s- “

“disappearance like they did the others, but I knew they were watching the house for a long while."

"Can you tell me anything about the house? Or maybe the owner?”

"I could, but you will need to book another appointment. I'm not here to talk about the tradesmen, Doctor."

“You told me you will share everything you know, Miss Domson.”

“I have the right not to tell you things.”

“That makes you seem awfully guilty about something.”

“Like you have ever thought I was innocent.”

“Perhaps you should tell me what happened after the cleaning, Miss Domson. We can always come back to the house later on.”

“Of course, Doc. It was only about two weeks before he wanted another. It was a quick rate even for him. I think it was the house’s influence, that and Christmas was coming up. He is always funny around Christmas. He went out while I was cleaning. He came back in a few hours. Had a girl with him. Told me her name was Katie. He said my name was Hazel and he was Harry.”

The air changed in the room. The Doctor frowned deeply. “Katie Copella…? That was thought to be years after Lisa, Miss Domson.”

“This is when we first met her Doctor. He took me to the side and explained that she was going to come with us.”

“Why have neither of you mentioned this before? This can change everything about the investigation. The fact that you held this information back from us-”

“He told me not to speak about it. As soon as she left he said she didn’t exist. He must still be thinking that if you don’t know. She was a key part in our lives.”

“How long did she stay with you?”

“Nearly a year. She left after he… Well… We will get to that.”

“Did anything change? With this new girl on the scene?”

“It’s hard to tell. I remember being in the living room with them. Katie had gone off somewhere and he looked at me. He asked me how old I thought she was, I told him that she had told me she was fifteen. He said he’d thought so, but she was telling him she was eighteen. He asked my opinion on her being a part of our life. I said I didn’t really care but the thought of sharing his time was killing me. He told me that he would wait until her birthday. I didn’t really get what he meant. When she came back, she move to sit next to him, it was clear she was trying it on. But he ignored her. He even moved on me to show he wasn’t interested. We actually had sex in front of her.”

“Why did you do that? If he was concerned with her age why would he did act like that in front of her?”

“I think it was a power act. It wasn’t consensual because I wasn’t combatable in fount of Katie. But this patterned continued, he would only have sex with me when she was there. It made me sick. I hated him for it.”

“Did you try to do anything? Tell him how you feel or leave.”

“He didn’t listen to my opinion on the matter. And I didn’t leave in fear that I was leaving Katie to take my punishment for it. She was very young; in the head I mean. Always so immature.”

“How do you think she reacted in this situation, Miss Domson?”

“She seemed to like it with us, she helped clean the house with me. He practically ignored her. There was a point, on one the first days, he went out. Katie and I were left alone for the first time. I asked her if she knew what was happening, she said she did. She said that ‘Harry’ was taking us to see his dying Grandma in Scotland. I almost told her the truth, but she looked so innocent and I honestly thought she would be safe.”

“Did you feel protective of her?”

“Over time. As her time with us continued she started to get on his nervous, I would often get in the way of his reactions; allowing him to take it out on me. I tried to keep her in the dark about his temper and reactions, but it was a feeble attempt. Like the sex, I think he wanted her to see me being beaten.”

“Was this still at the house?”

“A little. It was less than a week until we went to Hertfordshire. That is where we spent our first Christmas. I didn’t know at the time, but he hates that holiday. Me and Katie thought it would be nice to decorate our hotel room so we went out to get microwave Christmas dinners and cheap decorations. I think we bonded over that more than anything. I was really enjoying having someone else around instead of spending all my time alone. He was back late and drunk. I remember how Katie complained as he ripped down the decorations, I think that was the first time he really hit her. I was trying to get between them, get his attention on me.”

“Why is it that he hates Christmas so much, Miss Domson.”

“I told you before, you will have to ask him.”

“Miss Domson, if you tell me, we will know how he will react in the future- “

“No. All that matters is that if I was not there, he would have killed Katie. That was the first time he had sex with her and no it was not consensual and yes she was underage. I’m not sure what happened the rest of the night but I know that all three of us woke after passing out drunk.”

“…. Miss Domson- “

“I don’t want to hear it Doctor. We went to a hotel on the other side of Hertfordshire the next morning. All three of us stayed there for three constant days before he left to find the next girl. I believe this would be Judie Lunic. From what I know she was a brutal killing. When he was gone Katie ran away.”

“Did you have any part in this?”

“He certainly though so.”

“I thought you said that she was with you for almost a year.”

“We found her. The next night. We were looking for her in the car, going up and down the streets, looking into homeless bases and large gatherings. One of the clubs in the centre was getting a lot of hype, everyone was there. It was a hot spot for someone like Katie. She was always in her prim at a party. I wouldn’t be surprised if he met her at a club or party. We went in there to look for her and she was nearly passed out in one of the booths. I remember this annoyed him more than anything, saying she was just waiting for a predator to take advantage of her. It was quite the ironic statement. He cared her out, saying she was my sister and we here taking her home. They believed him no question because we looked alike.”

“What happened to Katie after she woke?”

“He left her alone. She was locked in one of the bedrooms until we were ready to move somewhere else. The police had started to hover around again and it was putting him on edge. It was the next day when the house’s owner came back. It was planned for them to spend some time catching up, but he wanted to get moving. I remember how it wasn’t mentioned to me or Katie, when we woke and found this guy in the house we both panicked. Of course most people would have laughed this off once they found out but because of the noise we were both knocked out for an hour or to. When we woke we were in the car driving out of the city.”

“Where did he take you and Katie?”

“London. Well, the out skirts anyway. There was a small caravan park that he made a deal with. I doubt that it was legit. Just a guy with caravans in his field.”

“What happened when you were at the caravan, Miss Domson?”

“We left about a month after.”

“But, what happened when you were in the caravan?”

“Well, Katie realised what he was. He brought a girl back. Younger.”

“Who was the girl?”

“I don’t think you have found her… I don’t know their name.”

“Can you describe her, anything that made her stand out?”

“No. She looked like the others. But she was younger, made herself look older though. If you would like, I can take you to where we had the caravan. Help you find the body?”

“Well will discuss that at a later date. An investigation will be opened into the girl.”

“Yeah. That should happen. When we left, Katie and I were traumatised. We were both terrified of him and what he was capable of. I remember things were really awkward between us all. He had started to treat Katie worse than the than me, he would often say how much he regretted taking her with us. It was at this point I really felt bad for her, just wanting to protect her. When it was her birthday she just cried as we ate a small cake I made before she woke up. But he continued like normal for almost the year.”

“He killed more girls?”

“Yes. Eight of them.”

“Where?”

“Going south. We were heading to Scotland, just as he had said.”

“Who?”

“Lucy Nighne, Trixie Pold, Amy Kicks, Salena Brook, Crystal Goings, and Paige Jones. They are the ones found. The others could be anywhere.”

“Was there anything notable that happened?”

“There was more news coverage, missing people reports surfacing. Me and Katie teamed up to try and stop him from finding out how close they were to catching him. Because if he knew he would have killed both.”

“How did know this?”

“It was just a grudge that neither of us wanted to ignore.”

“With Katie, it still does not add up... This was three years ago?”

“About that yeah.”

“But Katie is one of the most, if not the most recent kill. And there is no record of her when you were both first arrested, nor have either of you mentioned her before now. The only evidence that she was with the two of you before her death is your word. Excuse me for saying, Miss Domson, but that isn’t very reliable.”

“If you don’t wish to believe me about the other girl, then you do not have to. I am telling the truth though. I doubt that he will say her name, let alone admit she stayed with us. But, hey, it could just be a very detailed lie that was developed to cover up her mysterious uncharacteristic death.”

“So, why doesn’t she show up in the flowing years? What happened to Katie Copella?”

“She left. Went one evening to never return.”

“Is that it? No explanation? No build up? No driving force? She just, got up and left?”

“That’s right. We were sleeping.”

“Sleeping? She left both you and him, when you were sleeping?”

“Yep.”

“Miss Domson, lying will do nothing for your case.”

“But you just said that the time we spent with Katie is a lie. Why should it matter what how a lie ends, if it is still a lie?”

“Let’s say it’s not. That Katie Copella was with you for nearly two years. How did she really leave?”

“I told you doctor. We were sleeping when she left. Nothing else to it.”

“How did he react?”

“Didn’t. He shrugged his shoulders and we continued on with our lives.”

“Please tell me the truth Miss Domson.”

“Can’t. Clearly, I cannot see what the difference between the truth and lie is. I should be given a life sentence right now for lying and making false claims on such a high profile and indecisive case.”

“This is no joking matter.”

“I’m not the one to a make a mockery of it, Doctor.”

“You are clearly no longer taking this seriously, Miss Domson. If you would please wrap it up, we shall go back to details later.”

“Fine by me. With one less person to worry about, he started to get more adventurous. It was clear he had always been a criminal as he was very practised at breaking and entering. As well as grand theft alto and general thievery. We started to become home invaders, stealing small things like handhelds and jewellery. Sometimes the victims wouldn’t notice their things were stolen. His killing was down during that time, about one every three months. But his valiant tendencies towards me did go up. I spent a lot of time in the boot of his car. As soon as I started to play up, he just couldn’t be bother to deal with me. I honestly do not blame him as I was acting up because of Katie. But that was all a lie so there is no point in telling you.”

“Your unwillingness to speak about this will be told to the court. For your attitude, I will make it seem like your unwillingness is due to guilt.”

“Go ahead. I would rather be in jail then out there where I will deal with people.”

“Mmmm. Tell me about your first arrest.”

“It was a rich house. He was aiming for a higher pay check this time. We were in the daughters room, same profile as the others. A little old to be living with daddy if you asked me. Anyway, she was sleeping soundly until he touched her. Naturally she woke, screaming the place down. It was next to no time until some big guys ran in and knocked him out.”

“What happened when the police came?”

“Nothing. He was still out and I went peacefully.”

“That’s not what the report said. You really should not be lying about something so blatant.”

“Maybe I kicked off a little.”

“You punched two of the officers.”

“I was a little drunk, okay.”

“Not what the report says, you were free from all substances.”

“Well, what do you want me to say? If you already know then why are you asking?”

“This is about acceptance of your crimes Miss Domson.”

“What crimes? I’m not and my charges are being dropped. So, what if I punched a few policemen? It was the heat of the moment.”

“So, you admit it? You did punch them.”

“Yeah, that is what I said, isn’t it?”

“No… you said you didn’t punch them.”

“Must have miss spoke, happens to the best of us.”

“Hum…. What happened after the arrest?”

“Not really sure. It was a small station. Only one other woman in the holding cells. I’m guessing they didn’t have the system that aromatically checked for other files, because they didn’t see I was a missing person. I was only a couple of hours before I was let out due to the charges being dropped.”

“Yes, about that. There was no clear reason why the charges were dropped. Do you know anything.”

“Not sure, are you to accuse me of lying?”

“Please just cooperate Miss Domson.”

“Fine. It’s not like you can find out any other way. The salesman, the guy from before, he got some friends of his to visit the owner of the house and his lawyers. I’m not sure what he did but it probably involved black mail of some kind.”

“This salesman, he seems to be a key member of his life…”

“What makes you say that Doc?”

“He seems to care a lot about his wellbeing, and during this he seems to what he is up to, where he is…”

“I’m not sure I follow. They knew each other since they were kids, if that is what you mean.”

“Do you know if they are related?”

“No I don’t… Why do you ask.”

“You said you believe he was arrested a few weeks ago, did you not Miss Domson?”

“I think it was him, yeah.”

“And he once said that if one was to get arrested the other would as well?”

“He said that more than once. But I don’t understand what this has to do with them being related…”

“You may not know this, Miss Domson. But the police could find you from an anonymous tip. The tracking we had on you only took us so close.”

“You think he was the tip?”

“I think he could be the key to understanding you partner.”

“Were not partners. And he would never speak to you. He wouldn’t even tell me his name.”

“Can I ask you to keep this between us for now? No need to get ahead of ourselves.”

“I think that you are already ahead of yourself.”

“According to your report; after your release, you were monitored for a month by the local community officers and police force. You got a small place and kept your head down. Is this correct?”

“I’m not liking how much you know without me telling you.”

“Is it true?”

“Yes. We got a small place at edge of an estate. The tradesmen stayed with us for a week or two.”

“And you still didn’t know his name?”

“No. They didn’t use names and I never thought to ask. Names were unnecessary.”

“That’s interesting, considering their lifestyles.”

“Not really.”

“Did anything happen then?”

“Well, like I said before, he was happiest with order. We helped his friend with his business.”

“And the police knew this?”

“Not really. He was focusing on edible highs at the time, so we mainly baked. Sold them to the local bakeries.”

“Edible highs?”

“You hear of pot brownies? Basically that, but in other cakes and things.”

“Obviously.”

“Haha, I think I’m rubbing off on you Doc.”

“Please just continue.”

“When he got, us started he left and we continued. Once out monitoring weakened we left, someone else took our place.”

“Is that all that happened?”

“Yep. It was actually quite boring. He didn’t do anything illegal, apart from the baking, because he didn’t feel he needed to.”

“So why did you move?”

“Some people can’t stay in one place for too long. It didn’t take much to convince him it was time to move on.”

“You convinced him?”

“Of course I did, it was boring.”

“Do you not think that if you had stayed in one place, he wouldn’t have killed anyone else?”

“It was only a matter of time because he got the need again.”

“You can’t know that.”

“There would have been another Kira. We would have to move eventually.”

“All right then. But less people could have died. Instead of his normal rate of one a month, he could have gone to once a year.”

“People would have still died though.”

“Less people.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Why does it matter!? Do you not value human life Miss Domson?”

“Of course I do.”

“It doesn’t sound like it.”

“Can I continue or are you going to continue with this ethics lesion?”

“I think that this shows a lot about your current character.”

“So, you are going to use the face we moved agent me in court? I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction.”

“I think you would be surprised. What happened after you moved?”

“We went back to normal. Traveling from town to town, city to city. He was on one a month again.”

“And what was your relationship like then.”

“The best it has ever been. Mutual respect. He did his thing, I did mine.”

“And what was your thing, Miss Domson?”

“Apart from house, sorry, hotel room, keeping? I did delivery work. For the tradesmen.”

“I find it hard to believe that you worked for someone that you didn’t even know the name of…”

“And I find it hard to believe that you are still going on about it. Where he needed me, that is where we moved. Because he knew of our situation he kept the distance between jobs fitting. Three in neighbouring arears for the hunt. And then somewhere miles away after the kill.”

“Hunt? Kill? Those aren’t words I would have used to describe his actions.”

“Why not? That what it was. A hunt. Then a kill.”

“How long did this continue?”

“Well, between us, my work and his theft, we had enough money to get by. For the hotel rooms and that. But his car… uh… blew up.”

“He car… blew up?!”

“Yes. It probably says in you notes that we got a new car last year.”

“It does. How did his car blow up?”

“It was an accident. I was given a package with instructions to bury it in the middle of nowhere. He needed to so some burying himself, so we though one hole two problems.”

“That is sick- “

“But, I didn’t realise what it was, and when we were digging, I threw my bag though the open back door. And triggered the supposedly faulty bombs. We were fine though, thank God.”

“What?”

“We put out the fire with a water from a nearby pond. Then we buried the burned-out car.”

“How did you not get noticed?”

“We really were in the middle of nowhere. And luck. Haha, someone up there must like us.”

“Please don’t joke like that. There is no way you didn’t get noticed. Reported.”

“I am just as surprised as you are… Were still there in the day but, no people. At least no one that gave us a double take.”

“Where was this.”

“I’m not sure. I could show you…”

“This is certainly something that will be investigated.”

“Anyway, when we were done we walked back to the nearest village. Took ages, starving by the time we were there. No one questioned why we were covered in ash, soot, and mud. After we ate, he made a few calls and we got picked up. He was fuming when we got back. Was saving his anger until he could take it out on the right people. I didn’t know or recognise who he was yelling at, but I think he was some sort of big cheese or something.”

“This is the most unbelievable part of the sorry yet Miss Domson.”

“I agree. But I do hope you are not accusing me of lying again. Both this and Katie are true. But you are the doctor so…”

“You have lied serval times during this conversation, Miss Domson. Even before I accused you.”

“How the hell do you know that?!”

“He speaks more in our sessions then you realise.”

“And you believe him?! You believe him more than me?!”

“No point getting angry, I don’t really believe either of you.”

“He wouldn’t have spoke about Katie though. There is no way. He blanked her blocked her completely.”

“Why are telling me this?”

“I said I would tell you everything…”

“But he killed Katie not two weeks ago, it seems strange he would ‘block’ her so soon after.”

“I am not lying.”

“Why not tell me what happened after he lost his temper?”

“Sure, change the subject. I do not know what you are implying Doc, but you have to believe what I am saying…”

“Miss Domson. Why don’t you tell me what happened after he lost his temper?”

“Fine. He said that I wasn’t going to be working for them anymore.”

“Did you have a choice in this?”

“I didn’t want to keep doing stuff for them if it meant I was in danger.”

“That’s ironic considering your company.”

“It’s ironic you believe my company over me.”

“Please continue.”

“He needed a new car. It was a necessity. That is when we robbed the bank.”

“You were nineteen?”

“Yes. He used out connections from the deliveries and got three guys to help. Around their late teens, early twenties. Young, dumb and looking for cash he said. We… Well, we tricked them. We got everything organised and they went into the bank to rob it. We were the getaway drivers.”

“I remember this being all over the news. It wasn’t a piratically big branch. But they could get into the volts, hack into the system. Stole thousands. But they died, didn’t they? One in the front, two in the back.”

“Yes, that is right. A big police chase that ended with a car crash. But when the police investigated the wreckage, the robbers were killed, slit throats. The driver was missing. But most of the money was there, only two thousand was lost. And that wasn’t really marked.”

“When you both admitted to being behind it, it explained a lot. Both the disappearance and the money. But there was one thing I found strange about it, Miss Domson.”

“And what is that Doc?”

“You cannot drive.”

“And?”

“He was sat in the front of the car.”

“I’m not following…”

“Don’t worry about it for now Miss Domson. We will get back to that.”

“Alright then… So, we continued like normal, in a hotel. It wasn’t until the next week he transferred the money into a new account. Saying his grandmother had died and the money was in a mattress. Got a fake death certificate from somewhere. They accepted it no problem.”

“He had a bank account? Was it under his real name?”

“I think so. This was the first time I have seen him use it and he didn’t have a card. He brought a new car off an old mechanic, they both went to the bank to pay for it. Really by the book.”

“That is strange.”

“Yeah, I thought so too… But he changed the plan and everything once we were out of the city.”

“After that though? You both disappeared for months.”

“We did, yes. Once the tradesmen found out what we did, he sent us to a house in the middle of a forest. I didn’t even know there were forests like that in the country anymore. It was near Scotland though. The tradesmen would come up once a month with a girl for him. None of them looked like they should have. But it was I was there so he didn’t seem to mind.”

“He delivered girls?”

“That’s what I said wasn’t it. I think they had something to do with the trading or whatever. But it was normally on call. He would call when he needed it.”

“Was there any change to his pattern?”

“Not really. Less violent though. Food was delivered with them, there was running water and things.”

“How long were you there? You tracking started again this summer. Near July.”

“Those police officers are better than people give credit for… It was my birthday, I wanted to go out.”

“So, you were there over five months?”

“Must have been, doesn’t feel like that though. Felt like it was three days.”

“Where did you go for your birthday?”

“The closest club we could fine. Must have been Scotland with number of accents there.”

“You were in Scotland. There was an off-duty police officer there. Recognised you both.”

“How?”

“No idea.”

“Fair enough. We were proper past it though. Can’t remember a thing about that next twenty-four hours. But when we woke- “

“You woke with Katie Copella.”

“Bingo.”

“Her friends reported her missing two days later.”

“She was wanted to continue to Scotland, knowing that was our location.”

“Three girls went missing and were found between the time of Katie’s kidnaping and death.”

“Kidnaping? She was there willingly.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Me and her went off. He was more relaxed with me then before and she was clearly older. “Apparently after she ran off last time, she didn’t go home. Made friends with American travellers. She told me all about them.”

“I’m presuming that you didn’t take well to this…”

“No I didn’t. Met a few of them, the ones she didn’t think would recognise me. Apparently, we had been on the news as wanted.”

“Hang on. Did you say that you both wondered off?”

“Only for two weeks or so. He didn’t want to be around her, understandably. Left us near the border and went into the mainland.”

“Do you know what he was doing there?”

“No idea. I knew Katie was being traced and things, that might have been why he left. But we kept in contact, we both had pay phones at the time and texted.”

“What did you text?”

“Just random things. Not very often or anything. Me and Katie was in a hotel with a few of the Americans. I really didn’t like that.”

“This was the first time he left you like that?”

“It was. I hated it.”

“Why?”

“Boring.”

“Mmm… When he got back from the mainland’s, then what happened?”

“He said we were going back to Devin. Said he wanted to take me home. I knew that was a lie so I didn’t argue with him.”

“Did you find out why you were going to Devin in the end?”

“No. We were stopped before I got it out of him.”

“You were arrested on your way back.”

“You’re the one with the report.”

“When did Katie die?”

“Just before we left Scotland.”

“She was in the car when you were stopped.”

“She was indeed.”

“But, and this is where it gets interesting, isn’t it, Miss Domson. Because she was not killed the same way as the others. She had her throat, like the robbers in the car.”

“It’s because he wasn’t doing the ritual, it was quick.”

“What triggered it?”

“What triggered what?”

“Why did he kill her so suddenly, with lack of emotion?”

“She was being mouthy. He must have just snapped.”

“Has that happened before?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well. It’s not his Mo…. Was just wondering if he had snapped liked that before.”

“Sure, he has.”

“When?”

“He has snapped at me before.”

“But you are an alive.”

“Well. What about Martin? The guy who kissed him that time.”

“He was stabbed.”

“I’m still not sure I follow you Doc.”

“When you were arrested. He went quietly, didn’t say a word until he was at the station. Composed.”

“That is hardly surprising. He is very level headed all said and done.”

“But that is not what you would expect from someone who just snapped and killed a girl he clearly hatted. Considering what you have said what he was like just after his organised deaths.”

“…What are you getting at? Who else could it be?”

“You, however, were in hysterics. Crying with the overflow of emotions.”

“Well yeah, he just killed Katie.”

“I don’t think he did.”

“Who else could?”

“You.”

“ME?! Don’t be obscured!”

“You said that you would tell me the truth about your time with him. Yet I and the police have proof that you have lied more than once.”

“What proof?!”

“Calm down please Miss Domson, I’m sure you will find out over time.”

“I don’t know where you are pulling this from Doc, but I assure you I haven’t a clue what you are talking about.”

“You know he told me.”

“Told you what?! There is nothing to tell!”

“He has so far been very open about what missing people are deaths he has or has not been involved in.”

“I really doubt that. And that hardly has anything to do with me! Even in the end I had little to do with those girls!”

“That is not what he says. He clams you have changed from when he first met you.”

“I’m sure you could have worked that out yourself Doc. I think five years with a serial killer would change anyone.”

“Blames himself for how aggressive you have gotten, how twisted.”

“I want to speak to my laws. He shouldn’t be speaking about me when your sessions together are about him. And I want it to be on record that he is a compulsive liar. Always has been.”

“You sound almost scared. Something you want to get off your chest.”

“No. Can you please call the guards to take me back to my cell?”

“Of course, it is your right to confess or not.”

“Confess?! To what?!”

“To you murders.”

“I don’t need to confess.”

“Confess to what?”

“My murders.”

“So, you admit it? You did kill those people.”

“What?! No. I don’t confess to anything.”

“But you did kill them… Why?”

“Why what? I didn’t kill Katie!”

“But you did kill the robbers?”

“Only because he told me to!”

“So, you DID kill them.”

“Wait. What. No. I didn’t. You can’t prove it.”

“Miss Domson. How could be kill the people in the back of the car if he was driving...?”

“…”

“Why did you kill Katie?”

“I didn’t…”

“Don’t kid yourself. It’s obvious. The way it happened. The timing. Your reaction.”

“But he… He…”

“He what? Told you do kill her as well? I doubt it considering he wasn’t even around at the time of her death.”

“How do you know that?”

“You killed her and told him to pick you up. To take you home. You told him you were done. Didn’t you.”

“How do you know that? There is no way of knowing that…”

“It seems like his is a reliable source. I was suspicious, but you are confirming it.”

“He sold me out?!”

“Not really. He was talking about how he had corrupted you. Told me about some of the things you did.”

“So, that is why everyone was telling me to get a different Doc then him…”

“Why did you kill Katie, Miss Domson?”

“She wouldn’t leave. He was coming back and I didn’t want her to be there, in case it got him angry. But she wouldn’t leave. I got angry and she was accusing me of becoming like him and… It just happened.”

“Thank you for being honest Miss Domson. With the information, you have given me, we will be able to paint more of a pitcher and maybe the girls can put to rest.”

“I want to talk to my lawyers.”


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Wed Apr 26, 2017 10:03 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, WinnieIsNotABear, and welcome to YWS! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review! I'm doing this as I go along, so here we go.

First of all, here's a cake to celebrate your arrival:

Image

So this story is very long. I would recommend breaking it up into two chapters or more to break it up a bit. Also, give me more details and less dialogue. A lot of dialogue is okay, but it'll be better if you would add a little more stuff in. Where are they?

I'm also a VERY harsh reviewer, so don't feel sad when I put a bunch of stuff in XD. I'm not going to get everything so I can give someone else a chance to review this as well. I might just go halfway and then stop; I don't have the time to read the whole thing.

Sigh, "I don't see the point."


After "sigh" there should be a comma.

"Well it may not seem a necessity to you Miss Domson, but I need to know what happened, to help you find peace with it."


After "you", there should be a comma.

The Doctor


So he has a TARDIS and everything? I'm starting to like the man.

Just kidding... the capitalization is wrong, though. "Doctor" should be "doctor".

This was on my way back from school, he asked me the time again, saying his watch was still broke."


The first comma should be a period, and then "he" would be "He". Finally, "broke" should be "broken" here, I believe.

"Just those three times,


The comma should be a period.

I had a bad day at school, mum was giving me the cold shoulder


"mum" should be capitalized. If "my" or any other pronoun is right before a word like "mum" or "dad", it wouldn't be capitalized. However, you do not have a pronoun there, so it needs to be capitalized because it's proper.

"Just… he made me feel as though that was my smile.


There should be two "that"s.

On the way I introduced myself, he also did, saying his name was Matt."


The comma should be a period, etc.

We got the coffee and, I found myself telling him my problems, my whole life story was laid out on the table.


All of the commas should be changed. The one after "and" shouldn't be there and the one after "problems" should be a period.

Hour's had passed without us, or at least me, noticing, by the time I had finished it was dark out and I had a lot of missed calls from mum.


"Hour's" should be "Hours" and "mum" should be capitalized. I'm not going to fix "mum" again.

diched


Should be "ditched".

restraint


Should be "restaurant."

Uncle


All of the times you say "Uncle" lowercase it.

but reluctantly, “Yes, you are correct. Please continue.”


The first comma should be a period.

cup-cake


Should be "cupcake".

I have been present for one of them, only last year actually”


After "actually" put down a period.

shore no one got to close to us


"shore" should be "sure".

“Where you were jealous or Kira, Miss Domson?”


Should be "'Were you jealous of Kira, Miss Domson?'"

I fought the police called you a runaway and dropped the case?”


"fought" should be "thought".

“Yes, you could have. And weather she believed you or not, I doubt she would have gotten in.” “And then what? He goes after and kills both of us?”


"weather" should be "whether". And then, after the first piece of dialogue, there should be a new paragraph.

I'm going to stop there; my dad's calling me. You need to work on your grammar and things like that... the story had a lot of dark things in it and it also had a lot of foreshadowing, which I like. However, I did not like the "all dialogue" thing you have going on here. If you read a lot, you'll notice that most authors use detail in things that are NOT dialogue. You could also break it up a bit into chapters, to make reviewing easier. I noticed you don't have any points as well. Feel free to review any of my works as you please.

Happy writing and welcome to YWS!--

Kara R. Stevens




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Wed Apr 26, 2017 4:58 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, WinnieIsNotABear. Pan here for a quick review!

This was a really interesting read. You roped me in, and I knew within a few sentences that I was going to have to see it through to the end. Normally, I might ask for more narration between the dialogue, but I actually think the stripped-down style works here. It reminds me of the interview scenes in Gone Girl, and it keeps us right in the heart of the action.

I do second some of BlueAfrica's points, too - I wasn't convinced that a psychiatrist would be so biased when interviewing someone. I can't claim to know much about the world of law, but my mum is a court reporter so I know bits and pieces. I'm fairly sure that a psychiatrist's role in a case like this would be to build up a mental assessment of Domson rather than to try and get her to confess. And, like BlueAfrica says, I don't think doctors are able to reveal what their patients have said unless a person's life is in danger - all other confessions have to remain confidential. As far as I'm aware, anyway - if you've done more research into the subject than me, cheerfully ignore this point.

There were a lot of quite odd typos: obscured rather than absurd, pitcher rather than picture, aromatically rather than automatically, as well as several others that have slipped from my head now. Nothing a good proof read wouldn't sort, but worth looking out for when you redraft.

I'll also be frank about perhaps the biggest issue with the piece: it's too long. For the first half or so, I was incredibly intrigued by the case and the strange inconsistencies with Domson's story, but by the second half I started to fatigue. I kept reading because I needed to know the outcome, rather than with the focus I'd had before. There's rather a lot of her talking about them going to this place, that place - it doesn't feel like the mystery is being elevated, only drawn out. If you do a redraft, I'd focus on cutting it down as far as you think you can. My attention started to wane a bit after the exchange about Domson punching the police officers, so maybe start from there.

Also: I didn't quite understand a few things about Katie. Why did she come with them in the first place? I didn't get how this serial killer was roping girls in the way he was, or why he let Katie stay despite the fact that he disliked her so much. And why did she come back to them again after getting away? Was Domson actually lying about Katie joining them all those years ago? It wasn't quite clear.

But a wholly interesting and intriguing story. I enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!
~Pan :D






Thank you fore reading and I'm glad you kinda enjoyed (jokes I am extremely grateful for your feedback) :D

I did hardly any reteach into the psychiatrist and this will probability be the biggest thing that I am going to change. Maybe change it so they are only their for self interest or maybe a reporter of some sorts? Not sure yet...

Thank you for telling me about the typos, I have dyslexia so they are poorly chosen alto-corrected words. That's also why I haven't yet noticed them, the person I had do a read though is also dyslexic so yay language haha, I'll give it a more thorough when reading :)

I wanted to leave a lot about Katie to speculation, because we only know as much as Domson knows and that isn't very much. But that is a good point, perhaps I have left it too open. In case you do actully want to know, Katie was really there before, when she got back with them I was more for Domson's sake then anything else. That IS something I will make more clear on during a re-wright though

Thank you again, both for reading and you review thingy :D



Panikos says...


Glad it helped! :D



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BluesClues wrote a review...



Oooooh, creepy. Wow. Yikes.

Although I have to say, I totally called this.

“But that is not what you would expect from someone who just snapped and killed a girl he clearly hatted. Considering what you have said what he was like just after his organised deaths.”

“…What are you getting at? Who else could it be?”

“You, however, were in hysterics. Crying with the overflow of emotions.”

“Well yeah, he just killed Katie.”

“I don’t think he did.”

“Who else could?”

“You.”

“ME?! Don’t be obscured!”

“You said that you would tell me the truth about your time with him. Yet I and the police have proof that you have lied more than once.”


Totally called it. Self-five! *high-fives myself because usually I'm bad at guessing the killer and stuff on cop shows and related mystery things*

Normally I would say that you needed more narration between the dialogue, but Nope! I thin it's just because Miss Domson's dialogue was essentially all narration of her time with this serial killer. So rather than all this dialogue making the story feel rushed, it fit perfectly. Plus it sort of gave an extra chill to the story as we listen to Miss Domson explain things, without seeing her expression or body language to give us any hint that she might be nervous or guilty or anything else. So I really liked that.

I question this doctor, though. Is he a psychiatrist? To be fair, I don't know how things work in England, nor am I 100% sure how it goes with psychiatrists who are interviewing suspects for the police. I mean, I know psychiatrists can then go to court and give general impressions of the suspect, based on their interview and psychological expertise. But I also know that, generally, a conversation with a psychiatrist would fall under doctor-patient confidentiality, meaning anything Miss Domson confesses to him would technically not be revealable unless he told the police they needed to question her again and they got it out of her. Also, I'd think a good psychiatrist - especially a police/court/criminal psychiatrist who is surely used to this disturbing sort of conversation - would do a better job of keeping a cap on his emotions and not constantly insinuating judgement of the guilty party. I mean, how likely is it the patient will reveal more to you if you're like, "Well, *I* think you're guilty and also you're lying and also you should be locked up."

(Also, I'm with her: how ironic is it that the trained psychiatrist believes her kidnapper? I mean, yes, yes, obviously it WAS her who killed the bank robbers and Katie, but still. We know the serial killer is a liar and that he's a good liar, and that she believed him at first even after she started to feel unsure and scared. So you'd think a psychiatrist would be on the lookout for that and not fall for his charms and sob story.)

But again, I'm not sure how it works with criminal psychiatrists. That's just a heads-up, something to consider.

Wow, what a creepy story. Man, does her mom even know she's been found? But then even if she does find out, she's going to learn her daughter has now killed people and shows no remorse...

Man.

That's my helping of messed-up for the day.






Thank you, just thank you haha. I'm really happy you enjoyed it :D

To be honest I didn't really do any research or look into the psychiatrist that much at all... That's something I am thinking of editing, like, a lot of. By the end they became more interested in their self interest, like there was no other reason why they were there other to be noise. But you do have a good point about how they should over all be smarter.

I am thinking of doing more of it, maybe after they have been convicted? I don't know

Thank you again for reading :D :D :D



BluesClues says...


I was thinking, if you used a police officer then this confidentiality agreement doesn't exist, so that could work. Although then I'm not sure she'd be so open about everything, right? Also they have to either have a lawyer present or have it on record that they told her she could have one and she said she didn't need one just now. And they have to document the fact that they've...oh, wait, this is England. Well, in the U.S. they'd have to also have read her the Miranda rights to show that she *has* been told that anything she says can and will be used against her in a court of law, otherwise her attorney could have any confession thrown out. I'm sure there's probably a similar law in England, though!

But overall a police officer would still probably present fewer difficulties, unless you just want to keep the psychiatrist and just make him a little smarter or, like, just knowing his job about the whole thing, I guess.




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