Published December 22, 2007
Hello, it's me, the one who put you in the cold.
Hi, it's me, the one that took your sanity.
Hey, it's me, the one who ravaged fields of long-past old.
Do you remember me?
Look before you. What do you see?
You were told of distant lands and times before,
Long ago, it was never seen, and only told.
Sailors whispered it on their home shore.
But it's your own fault.
You could see,
Your's truly, on everyone's faces.
Getting more and more obvoius, slowly.
Passing by, avoidong, 'the others'.
My grasp is cold.
Don't you think it's a shame,
That, neanderthals did it,
and I'm still here today?
What's the dying all for?
It was never like this before.
Sailors whispered of it on their home shore.
War.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
*seconds everything Suzanne said*
I think your main problem is that the poem is too broad and it jumps around too much. Poetry is much more appealing when it's personal and specific. So when you write this, focus on one person, or one place, or one event, instead of just "war." Right now it's very jumpy and I'm not sure what's going on half the time. You, of course, know because you wrote it, but you need to show ME, the reader, the images you see in your head. Share them with us!
Ambivalence (conflicting feelings) in poetry is also important--sophisticated poems often use clashing emotions...it's interesting, it pulls the reader in, and it usually reveals what the writer is trying to say about something.
I also think it's immature to write the whole poem about war and then say "This is about war!" at the end. If the poem is good, the reader should be able to infer its subject, if not its meaning, after reading it.
Please spell- and grammar-check your work before posting it. Errors imply that you don't care enough about your writing to clean it up.
-Colleen
This is interesting but... I am not so sure I like it. It's kind of hard for me to grasp at what you were trying to write about. War, I am guessing? But then I can't really see how that is the topic, either. You have some typos here and there, try to be sure to read over your posts a few times before putting them up. Make them as good as you possibly can. ^_^
The poem was a bit too...impactless for me, so to speak. Poetry should make an effect on the reader. I should be left with an image, a thought, an idea, something. And this poem just left me thinking, "What is this poem about...?"
But at thirteen, I was incredebly new to poetry, so you are probably incredebly new to poetry? I suggesting reading poetry, that is the best way to learn about it! Longfellow is an amazing poet. There are also a lot of good books out there on writing poetry. Best of luck!
I just wanted to point that one grammatical error.
I love your poem especially this line.
Thanks, I was trying to find a new method in poetry that would break away from traditional rhyming.
This is terrific. You had an irregular rhyme scheme, which is my own personal style, but then you made it very regimented (pun intended) towards the end. It was a little startling, but I feel now that it worked. If this is representative of your work, then you're one of the best new poets here recently.
Hmm, very interesting. You wrote "Hi, It's me, the one who took your sanity." That line was probably the best line in the poem.
All in all it was very good keep up the good work. XD
Thanks alot!
:D:D
It's actually about a war that happened 30 years ago in my own country, and I have a feeling it's starting up again...
(Northern Ireland, BTW.)