So, this is the first chapter of something I'm thinking of writing, I have a rough idea of where I'm going with it but I'd like feedback first. So please, rip it to shreds.
Anastasia sat on the gold cushioned seat while her entire family stood around her. “I feel like this is some kind of intervention” She joked, trying to make light of a bad situation before realising no amount of humour was going to help her.
“What were you thinking?” Her Mother asked “You’re destroying our reputation!” She yelled, making the fact that she was furious a little too obvious. “You’re a princess!”
Anastasia rolled her eyes and looked up at her Mother, also known as The Queen who was staring down at her. She was upset, but so was Anastasia – so was everyone in the room, since for some reason the entire extended royal family had been invited to show their disappointment in her.
There was one person in the room who didn’t look like they wanted to strangle her – he wasn’t stood in the group of family members looking down on her, he was stood at the back of the room, obviously not wanting to get involved.
“I’m not destroying your reputation, I’m destroying mine – and frankly I don’t care” Anastasia shrugged, she heard her father sigh and her mother was seeming to resort to desperation. “You guys are still the World’s most loved family who can’t do no wrong, I’m just living up to be the rebellious Princess everyone expected I was going to be the moment you announced you’d decided to adopt”
There had also been another name for her, since the moment she was born – the last resort. Her mother and father had been the first King and Queen in centuries who couldn’t have Children – people had expected that the Queen would choose surrogacy so there would still be Royal blood in line for the throne.
Obviously not, they’d chosen to adopt and Anastasia had been the lucky child.
And now she’d slipped up, by punching somebody in the face. She was still adamant he deserved to be punched in the face, a paparazzi who had gone a little too far. Her family – not so much, they were just relived the charges were dropped, not that she’d probably ever be sent to prison.
“You know, I just need a break” Anastasia announced.
“Fine, we’ll carry on with this later” Her mother said, causing Anastasia to roll her eyes once again.
“No. I need an actual break. I need to go somewhere quiet, not do my ‘royal duties’ for a while” She explained, she was lying – not that she didn’t want a break, but she’d decided that this was the best way to get them to stop fussing.
Suddenly, everyone’s expressions softened – going from angry to sympathetic and she knew playing the ‘sensitive Princess’ card had worked. Well there was Edward, who had been stood in the corner the entire time – smiling slightly because he knew exactly what she was doing. “I’d like to go to my room now” She announced, standing up and watching as her family parted so she could walk out of the room, smirking at Edward as she walked out the door.
Anastasia walked up to her room, which was in one word – grand. The wall paper was a deep gold and pastel pink, the floor was oak wood.
It was also a complete mess.
Slowly she walked around the room, unsure of what to do – someone, most likely her mother would follow her up soon talking to Anastasia about moving her to one of the residences in the country side for a few weeks, coming up with some kind a media story on why she wouldn’t be appearing in public for a while.
She sat on her bed with the book she’d been meaning to read for the last few weeks, reading the first few pages before hearing a knock at her door. “It’s open, if you can’t see” She said with dry sarcasm, still looking down at her book, knowing she’d left the door wide open.
“Still feisty as ever I see” The visitor said, Anastasia looked up – realising it wasn’t who she had been who she was expecting. Her first guess would have been her mother, second would be Edward, her dad would probably visit later on in the night after a few whiskey’s.
It was Edward’s dad – her uncle. They were close when she was a child, since there was only days between Edward’s birth and hers, along with her adoption. He, Edward and his Mother spent a lot of time at the palace she was growing up, then Anastasia and Edward went to University together and graduated earlier in the year.
“Ana, how are you?” He asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Well – my entire extended family just came to express their disappointment in me because I punched somebody in the face since they deserved it, but other than that great” She replied with a fake smile. Both of them looked at each other for a few moments before her Uncle looked away with a sigh.
“I’ve been talking to your Mother and Father about you” He started.
“I’m sure you have, since everyone has been talking about me – everyone meaning the whole country…World even” She cut him off, then realising she should maybe tone down the sarcasm.
“I understand you want a break from your royal duties” He said. “But I’m here to offer you a different opportunity, one I think you’d be interested in”
“Go on” She said, trying to sound interested.
“You’ve heard about my program, am I correct?” He asked her, for a moment she had to think before remembering the multiple hushed discussions she’d overheard between her parents about Uncle George’s spy program.
Suddenly the interest was no longer fake.
“Yes, I have”
“We need someone like you – it would take training, you’ve already been taught simple self-defence which I heard you excelled at” She nodded along. “You’re smart and bilingual” He carried on. “I feel we could benefit with someone like you”
Anastasia smiled, and tried to think of something to say. Nothing. “So, when do I start?” Was the only thing she could think off, worried she would sound too pushy.
“Well – we’re going to take you to one of my residences closer to the facility tomorrow morning so you should start packing as soon as possible. After that we’ll brief you and explain to you fully just what we’re about” He explained to her, before getting up and leaving.
For a moment Anastasia stayed cross legged on her bed, wondering just what she’d agreed to. She caught her reflection in the mirror on the other side – her ginger hair was tied back, her green eyes outlined with a light brown eyeliner, she was wearing a sundress she’d received as a Birthday present from a family member, she could never remember who it was though.
She was still looking in the mirror when Edward entered the room. “What was my father talking to you about?” He asked, causing Anastasia to jump and look at him in shock – she was expecting him to be smiling, like he usually was – but his face was stern.
“By the look on your face, you already know” Anastasia replied, standing up.
“You’re joining the program, aren’t you?” He asked, shaking his head with a dry smile. “Of course” He whispered. “You do know what you’ve gotten yourself into, don’t you? How dangerous it is?” He said, trying too hard to sound calm.
She was ready to defend herself before she realised that he wasn’t over reacting.
She’d just agreed to become a spy.
Of course it was dangerous, for a moment she faltered – realising that her was right, that it was going to be dangerous, and she’d always been one for playing it safe – she’d never gotten drunk out in public, partied, done anything that could get her in any kind of trouble.
Until she punched the paparazzi in the face.
She realised she didn’t care – something inside her realised she couldn’t be bothered being the protected, goody-two-shoes princess anymore, maybe it was the rebellious streak she’d originally joked about earlier, maybe it wasn’t but she knew she didn’t care about it being dangerous. At all.
“To be honest, I thought you’d have been in on it” She said, quietly.
“He asked me on my eighteenth, I declined the offer. I thought you’d do the same” He explained. “Obviously not”
She glared at him for a moment, she’d never seen him act like this before. He was more like her brother than cousin, but it had been nothing but jokes and smiles as they were growing up and now he was looking at her with so much disappointment she wasn’t sure what to do with herself. “What’s going on with you?” He asked.
Anastasia scoffed and then looked at him in disbelief. “What? I punch some creep in the face and then suddenly there’s something going on with me?”
“I’m talking about signing yourself up to get killed!” He shouted, raising his voice.
“Oh, stop being so over-dramatic Edward!” She yelled back. “I needed a change, this is it” She defended.
“This is a change? Training to be a spy is a change? You’re insane!” Edward accused. “Have you even looked into the future, how this will effect it? You seem to be forgetting one thing here Ana, you’re next in line for the throne”
She hated hearing that, and Edward knew that. For a moment she was silent, and went to turn away from him before deciding to stand her ground.
“Well let’s hope I die before my parents do, then”
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Hello. I think this could be a great story. I really like the character you have created. I love that Anastasia is rebellious and doesn't act like the average princess. It reminds me a bit of 'The Princess Diaries'.
I think there are a few places you might have forgotten to put full stops. Also, I think it would be good to put a comma in when you are finishing a speech like "To be honest, I thought you'd been in on it," she said. I think you use capitals sometimes when you don't need to. Also, when Anastasia's uncle comes in to talk to her you wrote 'realising it wasn't who she had been who she was expecting' which is a little bit confusing. I think you just need to look back over your work and tidy it up a little bit.
Overall I really like the story plot and I think it could turn into something great. Please don't be disheartened by any of my comments. Well done for starting to write this. I really enjoyed reading it.
Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
This is a great chapter. The characters are good, the idea is brilliant... not much to nitpick overall, so I'll just do the technical stuff.
The S in "she" doesn't need to be capitalized. I'd also add a comma after her dialogue.
The H in "her" and M in "mother" don't need to be capitalized. And really, this is written a bit on the clunky side. I would change it to:
'"What were you thinking?" her mother demanded. "You are a princess! And you're destroying our reputation!"'
Switch out the comma after "shrugged" for a period.
"World's" doesn't need to begin with a capitalized letter. Also, this could be written more dramatically. I'd change it to:
"You're still the world's most loved family that can do no wrong. I'm just living up to the 'rebellious princess' image everyone already had of me, ever since you announced you were going to adopt."
(Adopt being written in italics I think adds some flavor, though that's a stylistic choice so it's not really necessary.)
There's a handful of words in here that begin with a capitalized letter when they don't need one. "Children" is one of them.
"Royal" here is another one.
Should be:
'It wasn't who she was expecting.'
"Look" is repetitive here. Watch out for repetitive words, that's another little problem with this piece.
I believe you meant "of," not "off."
This is a run-on. Try:
'her ginger hair was tied back, her green eyes outlined with a light brown liner. She was wearing a sundress she had received as a birthday present from a family member . . . though which family member that was, she couldn't remember.'
"Overreacting" is one word.
You wrote "her" when you meant "he." And "dangerous" is repetitive. Also, this doesn't sound quite right. I'd change it to:
'Of course it was dangerous, and for a moment she faltered. He was right. Anastasia had always been one for playing it safe, never getting drunk in public, partying, or doing anything that could cause trouble.'
Something like that.
Good last line, but you need some punctuation after "then." I'd suggest a period. Make sure to always end with some sort of punctuation.
Besides for the technical stuff, this was really an enjoyable read. The overall storyline seems very strong, which is awesome. Your MC is relatable and charming already. Really, really good.
Nice job!
Hello! Buggiedude2340 here to review!
First, just tiny bit of clean-up is needed. You forgot the punctuation at the end of some of your dialogue. Also, when using possessive adjectives around family titles, don't capitalize the title. When you call someone 'Mother', it is capitalized, when you call someone 'your mother' it is not.
Um, it could use a bit more sensory detail, not just colors, but textures and fabrics. This is royalty! Everything has to be fine, and elegant, and rich. Instead of describing the colors of Anastasia's room, tell us how big it is, and about her 'four-poster bed' and the friezes on the ceiling. Think cathedral grand, not bedroom grand.
And I have some trouble understanding Anastasia's train of thought. She changes her mind a lot and sometimes the transitions while she's deciding on her actions are fuzzy.
Other than that, awesome! Grammar is mostly good, and you have a nice flow to the action. I like that you introduced the problem right away, because some stories take forever to get to the goal.
Good work, and I hope you continue writing this piece!