Hey there WillowTree. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
So you're new. Welcome to YWS! Congratulations on publishing your first work of the site. Now you need to get out there and review so you can publish even more poems. I need to stop chit chatting and get back to my task. Just be warned, this is where the real review begins. Cue maniacal laughing followed by coughing from so much maniacal laughing.
The one thing that bothered me the most is the lack of punctuation at the end of the lines. I know not everybody stops and starts their lines with a period but you didn't even use commas. The lines flowed together and if I hadn't told myself a stop should be there, I wouldn't have stopped. You don't necessarily need a comma on the end of every line but a couple would be helpful. For comma placement, I think you should put one after "waves". To me it just felt like there should be a pause there. I think one more is needed but I'm not sure of the correct placement so use your own judgement on that. As far as end punctuation I wouldn't put anything because of the line you ended with.
Always watching
Always fighting
If you want this thought to continue on with the reader because this is always happening keep the lines the way they are. If you never stop the action it will always go on.
Okay now I'm starting to get back into the swing of reviewing poems. Jumps on reviewing swing. I've done maybe one poetry review in the past couple weeks so I'm a bit rusty. Gets out the tin man's oil can. I don't know if it was just they way I perceived this but I didn't feel any emotion from your piece. There was nothing special about the thoughts that set it out from the rest. It just blended in with all of the other depressing pieces of poetry I've ever read. What exactly was your inspiration for this piece? If I had known the inspiration behind the piece I may have felt a different emotion but at the moment I feel none.
Besides the commas, I don't have anything to say for grammar, spelling, and typos.
Insert two or three lines where lizzy usually rants about grammar/spelling/typos.
Well that's about all I have for this review. Sorry if I couldn't offer anymore advice. Once again welcome to YWS. If you have any questions about this review or anything else really just PM me.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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