Hello Willow once again! This story so far has some interesting characters so far, save for a few clichés. But other than that, I can genuinely say I like them. Getting that out of the way, I'll mainly be focusing on grammar, so hopefully that won't be annoying.
Without further ado, I'll get started.
(")Well that certainly wasn’t amusing,” Magorian hissed once we were alone. He’d lead us back to his little cabin and sat us down on kitchen stools rather aggressively.
“Do you have any idea what could’ve happened had you crossed?”
^The same problem I highlighted last time, if you would have put the second strip of dialogue in the same line as the other, it would have been more clearer about who was talking. Not such a big deal, but something that could have been done better. Also, you missed quotation marks at the beginning.
“No(,) we didn’t,” I said. Bevan gave me a look, but I ignored it. “No one does, cause no one will tell us!” I was more angry than scared, pushing the sight of the red clouds to the back of my mind.
^That has a missing comma.
So now Astrid starts getting her feelings out, which is great. It's better to let them out than keep them pent up.
“Only once,” I answered him tightly, determined not to brake contact with those light grey eyes. They now looked disbelieving, as though I was purposely wasting his time or lying.
^Astrid's actions here are very realistic. When you're trying to tell the truth, you will either react in two ways: never make eye contact, or always have eye contact. This is why it's very hard to tell the difference between a lie and a truth, because people react differently.
to my surprise(,) he let out a sigh of relief.
That first word needs a capital letter and you missed a comma. What I'm trying to say is you need a comma there.
All in all, this is an interesting story and it won't be long before I review another chapter.
With caution,
WaterSpout
Points: 10136
Reviews: 80
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