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Smoke and Dust 2 - Diya

by Willow


All was silent as I stepped into the quaint little house. My feet echoed slightly on the clay floor as I crept towards the wooden stairs. Could it be possible that Diya wasn’t awake yet?

I moved noiselessly and stealthily, placing each foot as carefully as I could. I reached the staircase unnoticed; placing my foot on the first step so cautiously it didn’t even creak.

My second step was just as quiet until –

CRACK

My left foot thundered through the second step with a resonating screech of splitting wood.

“Morning child,” a stern voice said from my keeper’s doorway.

I tried to turn my torso so I could face her, but my foot twigged painfully. I winced, hunching up my shoulders.

“Morning,” I said in a would-be-cheerful voice.

“Have fun running around with that boy of yours?” she asked, her voice still formidable and severe.

“What do you mean boy of mine?” I asked, a slight note of anger in my voice.

“We’re just friends.” Although I couldn’t see her, I knew she was shaking her head. She knew very well I’d have liked to e more than friends.

Her shadow was cast in the early morning light and fell in front of me. It grew smaller as she moved into the slightly darker room.

“You’ll get in trouble one of these days Astrid,” she said, now standing next to me.

“I think I already am,” I said, looking down at my now aching foot.

I heard Diya chuckle.

“Before I help you out,” she said in her deep voice, “let’s discuss your punishment.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but she gave me a look that could burn a hole into rubber.

“Breakfast, every mornin’ this week, to be ready by the time I wake up,” she said happily. This wasn’t much of a punishment, but I could tell why she picked “this sentence.

“Fine,” I said in a strained voice. I could feel the splinters throbbing in my ankle.

With a grunt like a boar, her thick fingers clutched my ankle and pulled. It was a painful method; my toes cracked as my foot came up, splintering more wood.

I rotated my ankle slowly, trying to detect serious injury. When I placed it back on the first step it ached painfully, but I could at least stand on it.

“Can you get up the stairs all right?” Diya asked looking up in my face.

“Yes,” I said confidently, limping my way up.

“Good,” she said, making her way back to her room. Her broad figure was still dressed in a plain white nightdress, her long hair still in the fisher’s net.

The entire second floor was devoted to my use. It wasn’t actually much to say, since it was the size of a small room. I plunked down on my bed, rubbing my sore ankle, wondering whether I would be able to go to association.


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80 Reviews


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Mon Aug 17, 2020 11:51 pm
WaterSpout wrote a review...



Hello there, Willow! I've reviewed quite a lot of works from you, mostly this novel. I now have a basic understanding of it, but I'm still not grasping the whole thing. That's not your fault, though.
Anyways, I'll get started with my review.

She knew very well I’d have liked to e more than friends.

^You probably wanted to add 'b' so it would be 'be.'

“What do you mean boy of mine?” I asked, a slight note of anger in my voice.

“We’re just friends.” Although I couldn’t see her, I knew she was shaking her head. She knew very well I’d have liked to e more than friends.

^I was a little confused when I first read that. I thought Diya said that last part, but apparently it was actually Astrid. It would have made more sense if you kept the second line of dialogue in the same line as the first one, that way the reader would automatically know it was Astrid speaking. But, oh well, it's too late to change it.

I opened my mouth to argue, but she gave me a look that could burn a hole into rubber.

^I like the use of exaggeration here. Instead of flatly telling the reader she looked mad, you used creativity for the purpose of making something more interesting than it actually is.

“Breakfast (1)>,< every mornin’ this week(1)>,< to be ready by the time I wake up,” she said happily. This wasn’t much of a punishment, but I could tell why she picked (2)“(3)this sentence.

^This has also confused me. First off, (1)those commas weren't necessary. Second of all, (2)that single quotation mark seems to be typed in there by accident. Third of all, (3)why word it that way? It would have been simpler and easier to just say:
'This wasn't much of a punishment, but I could tell why she picked that.'
Or something along those lines. Sometimes it's better to stay simple.
And that's about it. I didn't find anything else to comment on or correct, so good job! This definitely had less grammar errors than the last one.
With caution,

WaterSpout




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323 Reviews


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Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:32 am
hekategirl says...



This is very descriptive and great *runs to read rest*




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Sun Feb 27, 2005 1:50 am
Sam wrote a review...



Hey, I have to get caught up with this story!!! I read this part and was like, wow, this girl can write. So, I may cmmment more once i read the parts that came before this...but, oh my gosh...this was good, even though I didn't catch most of the references. :D

Oh well. *runs to read the rest of it*





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