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Just practising (wanted to know what you thought)

by Willow


This is just a little piece I wrote when I was bored. It's not the beginning or the end of anything. I haven't posted in a while and I just felt like posting something.

“No!” I yelled.

The knife plunged into the dark flesh behind his knee, slicing and parting skin, sinew and everything besides. There were screams of pure pain and agony. I went completely still.

Blood spurted out of the wound, hitting him full in the face. He was still grinning evilly, and when the blood sprayed into his open mouth, he licked it slowly off his teeth, laughing.

He pulled the knife right through and replaced it in at his belt. He turned and walked to the truck, shouting orders as though he had just come back from a smoke break.

They let me go in disgust, striding back to the truck. My knees buckled and I fell in front of the screaming figure. He was writhing, clutching the back of his knee. Blood spurted into the sand and seeped steadily through his white clothes, staining them a deep red. I pulled my kerchief from my neck and bunched it up on the wound, but I knew there was no chance. My eyes started burning, along with my throat and nose. My lip trembled and tears leaked.

“Bizo!” Nutan yelled from the back of the truck. I looked back at him and saw tears streaming down his face. “Bizo!”

Bizo was screaming too loudly to hear him. He squirmed onto his back and grabbed my shirt, pulling me down to his face. At the same time a hand gripped my upper arm and started pulling me away.

“No!” Bizo yelled, pulling me down again. His eyes popped out, he seemed mad with pain. “You have to promise! You have to get him back!”

The hand on my arm ripped me back. “You have to! Promise me!”

One of the men started dragging me back to the truck. My throat was too sore to speak. The tears were running down my face too fast to see.

“Promise me!”

Nutan was wailing now and my shoulders shook. Bizo crawled closer, trailing blood behind him. They dragged me to the truck, throwing me in the back with the others. Nutan grabbed me around the waist and screamed. I wanted to shout. To scream, to jump out and do something, but if I did, they’d kill me too. Bizo’s hand extended toward the truck and his eyes were completely wild with fear and pain.

“You have to keep Nutan safe!” Bizo screamed.

His voice rang out through the desert landscape. It was all I could hear as I the truck doors slammed shut and the canvas covering the back of the truck was pulled close and we were plunged into darkness.

“PROMISE ME!”


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Sat Apr 22, 2006 11:47 am
Jerikas wrote a review...



The plot is good but you don't give much desciption of the scene, why are they there? Where are they? and so on and so forth.

Also the beginning is a bit confusing, you say 'he' too many times so you begin to lose who is doing what. An example of this is when you said '"No," I yelled' as if the character who is watching the event is actually part of it.

Other than that it's good and with a bit of dovelopment it could be even better.




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Sat Apr 22, 2006 5:15 am
Ego wrote a review...



Okay, my first comment is the spacing Please double space your paragraphs, that way it is easier to read.

My next reaction was confusion. For all the action going on, you got very confusing as to the characters involved. When I first read it, I thought one buy sliced HIMSELF open. You could use some more names and descriptions to keep everything clarified, because we don’t even get a name till three paragraphs into the story.

Your descriptions were very good, and the sense of urgency was great through the whole story. Other than the slight character confusion and the spacing, however, you wrote this very well! You used variety in all aspects of the piece, which is always good. Too much of anything is a bad thing.

Nicely done!

--Dono

PS: Jiggy, sometimes practicing writing scenes like this are great for getting a feel for writing these emotions, in case you need to write a scene like it later on.




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Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:59 am
David Guinness wrote a review...



I hope you don't mind my commenting... :D

First, I agree with all JigSaw said, even now.

Second, Good descriptions of blood and gore and things! (I know this because I began to feel a tad light-headed...) ;)

Third... I'm glad my name's not Bizo...

With elaboration and extension and a developed plot, I think would make quite an intriguing read!




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Fri Apr 14, 2006 6:12 pm
Willow says...



Thanks for replying Jiggy

This is kinda the way I write. I write whatever I feel like at the moment, just to write. This was one of those pieces. I only have one organised story, and it started out as such a piece.

But thanks for replying anyway :D




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Thu Apr 06, 2006 7:09 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



This is really good. I must say though, that it seems quite stupid to write this with no intention of continuing or explaining of the circumstances in which it is set. Why go to the trouble?

Anyway, this would benefit from spaces. Remeber them? You should and if you do, then you should use them. That is all.

~Jiggy





When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
— Walter Lippmann