Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


by Willard


if i was Eurydice.


Orpheus knew we'd never go to space.
It was in the way he wanted to fly.
Bony arms sprawled to a six foot reach,
he'd sprint circles around his father's grave
to kick up a storm greater than Nevada
has ever seen. A Midwestern tornado
would lift him out the atmosphere,
and somewhere out there,
his limbs will grow to terrifying lengths
to lean back down and bring me with,

but I've already planted myself here.


i'd never look back.


The alternatives I proposed,
whenever he'd land back down,
made our promise rings all-purpose.

The dandelions we tied to our knuckles
(doing cartwheels in the courtyard)
could be a lasso or a noose.

We'd be able to drag the moon down
and use it as coffee table decoration.
To Orpheus, everything was paperweight;

He pulled orbits with his own hands.
it didn't mean anything to him, though,
if he couldn't see the color in space.

I knew I'd be amazed by the blacks and blues
We'd swim in for the rest of our lives.
I just wasn't meant to be an astronaut.

and under his breath, I think he knew,
how he'd talk about what was beyond
and only that for the time we had left.


why did Eurydice


Then, he met another airhead.
And then, I died my first death.


decide to look back?

To him, it was unceremonious.
Strapped with bottle rockets,
my engines malfunctioned;
sending my limbs across the street.

What nobody told me is this:

The doors of the underworld
look awfully like garden beds,

and that I can only hear
our final conversation
                                   "Do you wish I was different?"
                                                                      "You are too rooted."
dripping from the soil above.


if i am Eurydice.


At one point, Orpheus turned back. Worms started falling from my sky.
He dug holes into my tomb in hopes they would find me.
On the side of their bodies were detailed regrets,
as if they were wearing a heart on their sleeves.

Since I was gone, he didn't belong on earth.

I pondered miniature rockets on the worms' backs,
sending them up to my new beyond.
I want him to know how tall I've grown (many sunflowers)
and sometimes, i like to think he'd be proud of me.

But to look back, so I've learned, is to die a second death.

What I hear now is similar to the sound of crows.
we used to speak whenever Orpheus spoke to the stars.
He shouted from his launching pad, warning a distant planet
that he was coming soon, that he was Orpheus, and

"Since I am, I don't belong on this earth!"

The hesitance in the crows' voices matched mine
whenever I was rooted. Whenever I was me.
And in my first death, I thought I had done enough.
My front yard's no longer his launching pad.

To look back is to die a second death.
What's dead is dead and always will be.


i will never look back.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
861 Reviews

Points: 28996
Reviews: 861

Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:45 am
View Likes
Morrigan wrote a review...

Son, this is a lot to dissect.

Every time I read your poetry now, I find myself googling something or other. Today I was googling who these people are.

What I'm gleaning from this poem is that it's a relationship poem, and instead of Orpheus and Eurydice being in the ancient Greek-y times, they're in Nevada, maybe in a small town. Orpheus is a poet in the myths, and here, he is too, or at least he has the artsy, fireworky personality of one. As in the myths, Orpheus is a god, and Eurydice is a pretty lady. Just a woman, human. I really like the vibe you're setting here. To be honest, I'm not sure my carriage-turned-into-a-pumpkin-after-midnight-brain is working at full capacity, though. Like, I get the vibe, but there's a lot that escapes me, mostly because I'm actually not very familiar with the original myth. I'm unsure of myself, and it's making me unsure of the poem. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe it's just a story where there's a god dating a human, and she ain't ready to be a god, and dies, and he tries to bring her back but fails because he turns to look at her. But why is Eurydice looking back? I'm not completely sure. But I guess that's poetry for you, right?

Anyway, I'm going to review on things that I AM sure about here.

I'm usually a fan of the roman numerals to break things up, but I feel like you've got a few too many. They don't have weight anymore. They serve as breaks, but you could just as easily offset the one-liners in brackets or even set them apart with visual spacing (right align, etc.). I'm not suggesting that you remove them completely, but I just feel like a different choice would benefit the poem more.

The dandelions we tied to our knuckles
(doing cartwheels in the courtyard)
could be a lasso or a noose.

I love this. I love this tasty juxtaposition of pulling and pushing. Do we draw together, or do we end this relationship? I love your use of language here. And it's alongside this idyllic image of young folks enjoying a day. It feels nostalgic to me, though I've never done this. Nice.

I pondered miniature rockets on the worms' backs,

I feel like pondered is a strange choice of words here. Is she imagining the rockets? I feel like pondering is just kind of not the right connotation for the usage here.

and sometimes, i like to think he'd be proud of me.
I really like this line. Also you forgot to capitalize that I. The only reason I'm remarking it is because it's not consistent with the rest of your capitalization :p

What I hear now is similar to the sound of crows.
we used to speak whenever Orpheus spoke to the stars.

Language-wise, I feel like this is the weakest part of your poem. What is the sound of crows? Is it a screeching, a grating, something harsh splashed on the wind? Be more specific. Perhaps something like, "I hear crow-like voices, harsh and dissonant." Or whatever point you want to make about the crow noises.
Furthermore, you use "speak/spoke" twice in the same line. It muddles up the line and makes me focus on that rather than what you're trying to say.

He shouted from his launching pad, warning a distant planet
that he was coming soon, that he was Orpheus, and

"Since I am, I don't belong on this earth!"

I'm really torn here. Something feels off. I like that you've roped off some of this in dialogue, and how bold it is. I feel like only the "I don't belong on this earth" should be in quotes to further increase the weight of the statement. But we can't just edit the line break in this instance. Perhaps something like: "He threatened a distant planet with his presence,
shouting from his launching pad that he was Orpheus, and since he was, "I don't belong on this earth." I don't know though. I'm torn because it sounds almost perfect, but something is still just a wee bit off.

Oh man, is this a breakup poem? If it is, it took me an awfully long time to get around to it in my head. Whoops. Well, whatever it is about (and I have several ideas? maybe?), I like it quite a lot. This was very difficult for me to review since I'm so rusty. I hope I helped anyway!

User avatar
230 Reviews

Points: 1224
Reviews: 230

Mon Apr 13, 2020 10:11 am
View Likes
yellow says...

the poetry king is back and better than ever

Willard says...

You are genuinely being way too generous, but it means a lot that you think so (and that you are back!)

User avatar
25 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 25

Mon Apr 13, 2020 8:52 am
View Likes
Knight731 wrote a review...

Hello, I am here to give you a review.

Now I would be lying if I said I understood 100% what was going on in the story. (Because I don't.) But I will comment on the things I did recognize while reading.

I really liked the format style you picked out for spacing your paragraphs, I don't believe I has ever seen something like that before. Also, I don't recall being a single spelling error which is an accomplishment of its own because god knows that I re-read my works twenty times over before posting them and I still find many spelling errors after I post my work.

I would love to read other works of yours in the future, I look forward to seeing your username appear in the green room again, because you certainly have interested me.

Keep up the great work and keep writing from the heart.

It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl