Published May 7, 2017
i wake up in night sweats
of us creating
a nuclear family.
nose running,
i am an upset six year old.
b-b-b-b-b-but
i still like you
uh-a-lot
i don't want you
to get
b-bored.
you ask me for a metaphor
and i give you this:
"instead of a nuclear family,
it's a nuclear holocaust.
two dogs in a parked car,
middle of the summer.
i'd let you out
if you get tired,
bored, angsty,
or die.
everything in this world ends,
i've been marking my legs
with anxious calligraphy
ever since we met."
you bury your tears
into a Steinbeck novel,
and i bury mine
into your shoulder.
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138,364 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
mar
got
and the nuclear so and so's.
that last stanza tho
my favorite part is that my name is in the title
Don't live in the suburbs with a white picket fence, two children, and a dog then? You can negotiate more than this. I like the metaphors, but this is a bit short, and the use of space doesn't seem to really work for this poem that well. The obvious appearance of a well-defined structure in a freeform poem is extremely cool as well.
Huh.
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
So it's been awhile since I've reviewed your poetry. This lightened the mood for me a little, or at least made me a little less upset, so I appreciated that. Let's delve more into it.
So the first stanza needs a little smoothing in regards to the wording. Experiment around with it, though I think after the first line, "in the fear that we'll create a nuclear family." but that's just a suggestion. Keep it as it is if you want, but I think it'd help the overall flow of the piece. The second stanza works, and I like that the meaning leaves something to interpret. I've taken it that the family often has conflicts, and that the narrator is in the middle of this, such as parents fighting.
This is different. I don't know how I feel about it, though.
Easily this is the longest and strongest part of the poem. It's more consistent and tackles the theme that you've created in the title, alongside the rest of what you've set up in the opening stanzas. The first stanza here is oddly relatable, seeing dogs inside cars that don't have their windows open scares me. I'm sort of assuming that the two dogs the speaker is talking about is to represent them and the other person in the poem.
The second stanza here works, but the wording is a little awkward and I believe it could use some revision. The last stanza has the same problem, yet I can see more of the root where this starts. Adding a period, or even a semicolon after the first line rather than a comma would be beneficial to the flow, which is overall the main weakness of the poem.
The ending doesn't particularly connect with the rest of the piece due to it being more of a closer that doesn't reference or include the parts about the nuclear holocaust and the relationship between the speaker and this other person. Well, for the latter it does, it just doesn't mention the parts about this other person (presumably a romantic interest) getting bored. At the same time, I love the ending, since it's pretty solid as always even if I didn't believe it wrapped up the other aspects or images in the piece.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Legacy here for a review.
I love the imagery you use in this piece. I can clearly see a small child saying the stuttering words in the beginning. But then towards the end it seems like the words are something that a small child wouldn't say. It just seems out of character for the narrator to say that. So I would adjust either the beginning or the end, one way or the other.
I do like the stanza "Everything in the world ends, I've been marking my legs with anxious calligraphy ever since we met." This stanza was a very unique way of stating that the narrator cuts themselves (and an elegant way to state it too); much better than stating bluntly what is happening.
It seems like the narrator is talking to someone older than themselves (possibly a parent).
Overall this is a decent poem that needs some work before it is a great one in my opinion. (Please tell me if I was too blunt or anything). Legacy.