Published August 1, 2024
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139,028 Literary Works • 672,398 Reviews
Hey, Willard!
I know it's been a month and a half since you posted this poem, and it's already got two reviews and everything, but I keep thinking about it. I really enjoyed it and there's a lot to untangle and I just wanted to have a go at giving some more feedback.
One of the things that really floored me when I re-read is the parallelism of your two stanzas. They're the same number of lines, but I see you also pick up the word "rang" from the first stanza and turn it into "rung," which really created a cool continuity.
The first stanza really does a great job setting the scene. Even though it's half of the poem, it really does feel like a set-up for the second stanza, where you really drop the emotional weight on the reader. I enjoy seeing the themes of a shared experience, the same everywhere, and the attention to details down to the specific times and songs.
I think the way you lowercase those exact pieces of information helps to sort of de-emphasize them, at least in my brain, but when I pay attention to the fact that you've listed out specific times, I can see the contrast to the second stanza, when things turn more vague.
The first time I read this, I was convinced that the "you" in the poem dies in the second stanza; something about "rung," plus "bjorn died" and "roses pushed from your cheeks." Now, I'm a little less sure, since they're warning the narrator "to not do anything stupid," (suggesting the narrator's the one in danger of pain, not the other person??) and after all, "rung" could just be like ringing the bell at the door.
I think this stanza in general made it difficult for me to approach the poem -- there's so much tucked into it, that even though I can feel the weight of what you mean when you get to the end and say, "there's not enough pain in this world / for every lifetime to matter," there's still a lot hidden in it. The roses, scars, warnings; they all are referring to something private.
And I like the point, that it's not the event that 9/11 was. And you say it right there: it's "nothing more than one day some / april i tracked how your scars swelled." But in spite of the ominous tone created by the initial 9/11 references, Bjorn's death, and scars and warnings, I'm not really sure what the nature of the individual pain is. Even though the pain goes unnoticed by the world, it's still pinpointed to a specific day, even if that day isn't known or named.
Anyway, that's one of the things I've been thinking on since I first read this poem, that complexity of your second stanza. There's so much to think through and learn on the second or third time around. Even though I don't understand the connection between all of those images and moments because they're a part of a personal history, I love the flow of the language. "when you rung, when bjorn died" and "as you repeated your warnings" -- I think those lines helped to carry the flow and made the moment feel really present and impactful.
Then you hit us with the entire second half of the poem. The stanza as a whole is powerful, but those last two lines especially so. They draw my attention back to the first stanza to see the contrast of caring for a mass event versus the sort of unnoticed mystery of the personal event.
Overall, I'm left pretty awestruck. Anyway, I just wanted to leave you my interpretation and thoughts because this poem really struck with me. I know it was a bit rambly, but I hope it's helpful to you in some way!
Also hope your life is going well.
-Q
Hello, willard! Century here to review this wonderful work using my tea making method! Let's dive in.
first impressions
the absolute stunning beauty that was this poem made my jaw drop to the floor. this poem was stunning, and the constant reminder of time & numbers? brilliant.
the music refs too!! absolutely beautiful. also the 9/11 contrast was soemthing i really wasn't expecting- it was jarring but in a way that didn't interfere with the poem.
compliments
i know i was saying how stunning this was earlier, but i'll also say that some of this imagery & word choice absolutely floored me.
literally on the floor in shock.
critiques/room for improvement
nothing to go here- the contrast of sharp/soft imagery/things was such a beautiful expirience.
final notes
ugh this is literally something i will show to my cholsren when i'm 59 and jobless. beautiful & stunning & all that stuff <3
never stop writing!
century
Hai :3
This is so heavy and chilling in the best way possible!!! I’m floored by how you weave such a huge event like 9/11 with these personal moments of loss and emotion. That first line?! It hit me like a truck!! It’s so personal and intimate but also echoes something so much bigger. I can’t get over how you manage to make this whole thing feel so individual but still tie it into the larger picture!! It’s like this perfect balance of the who you are and the collective people around you.
Every line is so visual and almost philosophical. It’s like you’re pulling the reader into this moment where everything comes crashing down, but it’s also about how we as people collapse our personal griefs into larger narratives. It feels like you’re talking about all the little stories that get lost in the big ones. The music references work so well with that ~~ The contrast between something as tragic as 9/11 and something as mundane as Billy Joel playing is genius. I would've never imagined it.
You paint this picture so vividly. Like, I can see the lobby frozen in time, this eerie stillness that makes the whole scene so much more emotional !!!
When you move into the personal with "when you rung, when Bjorn died" I got goosebumps!! It’s like you’re weaving this national tragedy into your own grief and it works SO well!! You shift from this big, historical weight to the personal so seamlessly. I'm obsessed with the way you make emotions feel so real and tangible. Everything is a punch to the gut, but a beautiful one at that!!
^^^ Building off of this though; the mention of Bjorn almost feels like it’s dropped in, and while the grief metaphor with roses is stunning, it doesn’t feel fully grounded in the poem. You have this deeply personal moment with the narrator's grief, but I don't feel the actual grief come off of the page like the rest of the poem does. It works for creating something jarring, but it carries no emotional resonance ~~ I would love to have at least one more line to elaborate on that whole thing!!
Killer line!! What a perfect way to end this!!
You’ve knocked this out of the park!! It’s intense and emotional and just so well-crafted!! I'm probably interpreting this so wrong, but this feels like one of those poems that has so many different meanings. I adore it!!
- Payton
i come back to this from time to time. you're one of my favourite yws poets.
this genuinely means a lot, thank you so much
of course! it is always a pleasure to read what you have written, napo or otherwise. i don't think we have interacted much, or really at all, but i constantly think about your poetry. you have a beautiful mind.