I have a tendency to write these
and for the subject matter to die.
I'm sorry, David Bowie,
I wouldn't have written that
break-up poem
if I knew it was only your career
that would have ended.
I still never found a nice way to kill things
eight months later.
I still think suicide is painful,
I still think my feelings matter,
I still think others do too.
Here's to the hope
that one day
I'll be wrong
and my body will be hung
in a museum, like an Audubon painting.
A dead bird killed and pinned up
by the almighty Creator
wearing a fur coat
and a button down.
I can only lay butterflied
on the bathroom floor,
mimicking a polio patient
to try to reach the same effect.
[redacted] says we could get pizza later
and to set small goals for myself
so I can see the light of day tomorrow
or next week.
Life's too short to be depressed
and find terrible coping mechanisms
that you shunned six months earlier,
idolizing a dead author five years
before your time.
I'll never write a book about tennisbut I'll draw a book about dogs
Everything good I touch
turns to crap or a corpse
five days later.
I've been touching and feeling
my rib cage for the past month
and, for once,
irony doesn't work in my favor.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
dang this poem is so raw. It makes me ache. Really good poem, but I'm worried for the author. Take care. Your poetry is amazing, as are you.
This right here is fantastic. ^^
This is Kaos here for a review on FRIDAY MORNING.
My point sort of or is also Lumi's in which this stanza feels a bit dated or in the moment because of David Bowie's death still being in this year but it still would eventually seem like something old. This goes along with a lot of your poetry and your reference-making of other things, which not everyone may know or something that has happened a long time ago when the reader gets to the poem. I didn't really hate the stanza itself as it subtly adds on to the rest of the poem or makes itself fit in.
My interpretation of this stanza is that it follows up with the last one. I felt like something more could be done with who you write poetry/talk about ending up passing away. There could be a line where you say that Bowie had died a second time while you wrote this, or maybe some sort of other people. The rest of the stanza is simple and does well on the three lines that repeat.
I liked how the line carried on from the last stanza and had two meanings, it was clever. I felt like the second/third lines and the fourth/fifth lines should have a period in between them as the poem will flow better if it is that way. The last four lines of the stanza /kind of/ switch gears in topic, but I assume the metaphor of mimicking a polio patient is about trying to "reach the same effect" of being a dead bird, but I wasn't quite sure of what you were trying to get across/say here as it was a little unclear.
This stanza has a lack of punctuation for being a little long and needs it. There's no period after "tennis" or "dogs" which I think could be whichever you choose to do. I didn't really find a reason for the [redacted] to be there other than to save the name of the person, but I didn't really think it needed to be taken out, necessarily.
The wording in the fifth and lines on feel awkward. I think the fifth line to the line "before your time" needed some form of reworking and punctuation added. The "and find terrible coping mechanisms" is mainly what I'm focusing on here, but the few lines after that are also offset by this, so fix them to where the flow isn't as interrupted. Another thing that I didn't really prefer with this stanza which also amounts to the whole poem is that you keep switching through types or styles of poetry. You use the general you here, but it isn't particularly pointing towards anyone, so it felt a little awkward. It keeps switching from "you *insert something*" back to using 'I' and all somewhat frequently, and if you must, keep it to a moderation, I think.
You also mentioned doggos in this poem, so you get 10 extra points.
I like this last stanza and the sort of subtly of the last four lines. I thought that this was well-executed with what it's trying to do and ties up the whole poem better, so it doesn't really have loose ends and it now feels whole, so I applaud you for that.
I hope this helped and have a great day!
of course I'm going to mention doggos
thank you atsieyatsie
Oi.
Stanzas 1-3 and 4-5 feel like separate volumes to the same notion of poetry, but there's a major disconnect between the stream of consciousness in the first 3/5 and the hard, legitimate, stronger narrative of the final two.
I remember your jam about David Bowie. I remember thinking it was in bad taste. And in the published world I like to think that you would have that piece dated for taste and context because it actually accomplishes something now that I think it failed to before, which is pull a stronger meta-narration into your work.
Your consciousness flows without hiccup excepting the doormat between 3 and 4. It's probably the gimmick of the [redacted] since it draws particular attention to the space it takes up because it tells the reader hey look the narrator is withholding information I bet it's super duper crucial Scoobs. Be mindful of that fallout of techniques moving forward.
The polio victim image is both potent and odd-tasting, though for what you're aiming I'm unsure if there's a better course. Your final stanza is a bit on-the-nose, but given the meta-inspection of the remainder idea of suicide I think you do quite well leaving us with the basic truth of Hey bruh I want to die but I have reservations which is what this poem is really all about.
Your calls are good here, your pace is nice and your imagery works. I could do without the navel gazing, but you do you because you do it well.
Keep on and check out the band project Oh Hiroshima. Their project up on youtube is nice.
Ty