Formerly Spill. I accidentally unpublished it, so then I decided to republish it with a new ending.
Let me introduce myself. My name is Gregory Wallis. I'm 13, The location where I reside is Indian Hills, Nevada. It's a nice little suburb. By nice I mean most of it is ghetto and teenagers are either stoners or nerds. I fall in the middle.I don't do drugs, but I do rule the F.C district.
F.C District is the Fight Club district. It's like Fight Club, but you talk about it, it's less brutal,and its for 12-16 year olds. I'm perfect for it, too. 6'1,187 pounds. We fight in the bowl at the Indian Hills skate park. I'm currently 10-1. Apparently, it's illegal to kick a person in their kneecap.
Where I am now is the crummy park bathrooms duct taped to the wall. Two 17 year olds surround me. One of them is named David, a 6'3 imbecile. We had a history, with him trying to jump me, and me almost sending his brother to a hospital. His brother and I were in a F.C fight, and one knee to the first and one colon shot finished him.
David had my head, wrists, and ankles duct taped to the wall. He must be pretty pissed. He likes to call me dumb, even though my 146 I.Q disagrees with him. I guess this will be easy to get out of. Especially when you're in a dirty public bathroom with two guys who awe for brawn over brain.
David rushes over to me. He clenches his hand on my throat,yelling in my face. "WHAT IS YOUR NAME!?" he demanded. I can't believe he never caught my name, even though the crowd was cheering it. This is going to be easy.
All my muscle goes into the right side of my face. "KEYSER SOZE!"
"Only gays are named Keyser Soze." He replied. He pulls my body forward and slams it against the wall. It made my vision temporarily blurry, but I gained sight as he wound up to punch me. Time for improv.
I start laughing hysterically in his face. Some of my spit hits his face, which sparks his anger. He hits me, but i'm still laughing. Is this part of my plan? No, I still need one. I guess screwing with him would give me time to think.
Then something hits me. His fist. My head bounces off the wall. That idiot. When he pulled my body forward the tape came off. I could of fought him, but instead I've been taking it like a wimp. I know how to get out. I yell "PUNCH ME IN THE FACE!".
He turns around and goes for my face. I duck then lowbow him. I stand up and knee him in the face. The goon stares me straight in the eyes. I sprint towards the door. I open it, slamming the door in his face. There is two options. A:Run or B: Fight.
There is a kid in the grass area outside of the bathroom with a nerf bat. This is the best I can get. I tackle the kid in front of his parent. I am on top of the kid. This kid is struggling to keep the bat, but I yank it out of his hands. I get up, only to be knocked down by David's goon.
He picks me up. He hits me in the gut, knocking the wind out of me. He goes for another punch, but I smash the plastic bat in the side of his neck. He releases his hold, looking at the ground. I strike him with the bat over the head, knocking him to the ground. As he gets up, I take one good swing to the kidney.
He lays on the ground defeated. I drop the bat and slowly limp away from him. As I stroll on the sidewalk, a van rolls up to me. The window rolls down.
"I'm the one who killed your pitbull." I said. Four guys jump out of the van. They start walking towards me. I go in a full blast sprint towards the skate park.
I start blasting "Majestic" by Wax Fang to make the chase sound like an epic movie moment. We run across the kid park towards the skate park. I run towards the basketball court which is a gateway to the park. To perfect the moment, right when the guitar riff happens I jump on the bench and do an over dramatic jump off.
My leg is on top of the bench. I use all my power to push myself up on the bench. I propel off the bench. While in my own movie getaway, I look to my left to see a 6'6 brute coming towards me. While in midair, the guy tackles me to the ground. The guitar riff plays as I am handcuffed. He picks me up and carries me to the van. He throws me into the back, and closes the door. I look behind me to see four strange characters. A bloodied blonde; a black haired guy wearing a suit; a Giants fan; and an identical Giants fan, but not wearing the same clothes.
Once the vans stops, the doors open. We are escorted into a random building, with polices cars surrounding it. For some reason, I have a gut feeling this is a police station. We go through the doors, everyone staring at us. We follow a route of stairs, hallways, and an elevator to land into an interrogation room. The doors open, and there is a bald man with five paper files.
"Guys," he said, acting all big,"you guys are now the No.5 Squad."
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138,537 Literary Works • 672,152 Reviews
all i want is to know if this guy and you share an iq. it's just like, 146. it's a really random number.
and like, JK Rowling and harry share a birthday. maybe it's like that...?
I really enjoyed this story. There were a few little things that I noticed that you could change to make the story a bit better, though.
Like whitepencil said, your characters didn't seem to have flaws. There seemed to be no major problem except for a little squabble when he was duct taped to wall. The main character won every fight, which made it very predictable. There needed to be times when he didn't always win--so he could prevail in the end as a winner.
I didn't notice any typos (which I was very glad to see, because in most stories I review, there are tons of them) and your grammar was correct for the most part. The story was carried along well, but it seemed like the same thing over again. Greg would get into a heap of trouble fighting a guy, then he'd win and knock them out or something.
Normally I don't read action stories about fighting, but I decided to read this one because it looked kind of interesting. It was very good, but I hate to admit, if you wrote another one, I would most likely not read it. If I had to rate this, I'd give it a 3/5.
--BlueSquare--
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I guess I take my friend's opinion on this
No mistakes, well placed action sequences
I give you!
8.1/10
Well, I guess I really have no opinion on this.
Hey. Good job on this.
Is that footnote at the bottom accurate? Planning on making this into a series? Let me give you some advice: Make it more interesting.
No offense, but as of right now I have no interest in reading the next installment. You seem to be building this main character into some sort of action hero. More advice: A character without flaws is a bad character. If you make the story simply be about this Greg guy going around winning fights, your readers will quickly lose interest.
The action was good. You're excellent at making the reader visualize what is happening, but not at making them feel what your character is feeling. It felt to me like it was just narration. "He did this. I did this. He did that. I did a different thing." Well written narration, but narration nonetheless. I don't know if it will work for you, but when I write action scenes I like to act things out before writing if I can. Kind of like Shadow boxing, if you know what I mean. Try to feel what your character would feel, especially when writing in first person.
And one more personal nitpick... I'm not a huge fan of referential humour. I feels like advertising and it leaves some of your audience out. That's just my personal input though, feel free to ignore it.
You have good potential. I don't mean any of this negatively, I just like encouraging people to change and improve. Keep writing!
Thanks. Well, Greg is a supporting character. The series is about 5 people, all in their 20's fighting crime. They all have flaws. Greg tends to be brutal, doesn't know how to stop. There is one character who's weak. The other three either is Bi-polar, a coward, or doesn't know how to fight. These are "before" stories. My status makes more sense
Hey Mandrake!
I don't have all too much to say, but I'll comment anyhow, seeing as I really loved it.
This was indeed really fun! You do action scenes very well and even throw in some nice humor. Small anthologies of stories can be really great and you have a cool start now.
There are great references throughout the piece and they are well placed. You even include an indie favorite of mine: Wax Fang. I guess that helped me a lot visualising the chase scene.
I'll gladly check out the coming chapters of this series as they are finished.
Cheers.
Birkhoff
Thank you for the review. Not that much people actually listen to Wax Fang, even though I love them. And I honestly think Majestic is a beautiful song, so it was kind of an advertisement well deserved. Thank you for reading
Hey there!
I absolutely loved it! It was direct yet completely packed with details and action! Please do let me know when the next installation is up!
-Manisha
Hi again, I don't think you remember me. Anyway, I just read this excellent piece of writing and I have to say that you are very good with the action scenes. They're tough for most people and some usually aren't able to pull it off that well but you've done a pretty good job anyway. The entire time I was lost in the story.
I really liked the way you started off. It was a simple way and yet it grabbed my attention from the start. It may have seemed like you were rushing if it wasn't for the descriptions that you provided the reader with. Once again I will say that your action scenes were really cool. I could imagine them perfectly. Action scenes are harder to imagine as there's a lot going on so you did a good job.
The rapidness in your sentences, where you were straight to the point and not dragging a sentence to a miserable end, that's what I liked most about it. And that's the tactic you should always use in stories like these.
I don't have any criticisms here. Loved the piece, keep writing. And if you need any reviews, just wall post me.
This was a really good story!
I loved it. The adventure, the action, the suspense. It was all extremely well done 
Stuff like this is what you WANT FOR in a short story. To be able to keep up with it all but at the same time never being able to slow down. A very good read, and I hope that I can read some more!
Sl4y4