It was a late and cold night in the Antelope Valley. The sky was pitch black, the streets were deserted, and the night howled like wolves crying to the whitest sphere. In a quiet neighborhood where all the lights in every two-story house was off, the rustling of the trees and the thunder in the distance suddenly woke up a little girl who was sleeping peacefully in her bedroom. The tree near her window brushed its branches against its window frame, causing an eerie scratching noise. The little girl’s eyes popped open and with a sudden breath, she sat up in bed, her forehead wet and her heart pounding in her chest. She turned her head to the window and gasped when a lightning flashed and the shadows of the trees outside her window were exposed, but she could’ve sworn she saw a man standing in the corner of her bedroom, grinning. This caused the hairs on her neck to stand up on end.
With apprehension, she slipped her right hand under her covers where she searched blindingly for her flashlight— every move causing her panic. Who was he, and how did he get in? Should she scream? Should she expose the man? Maybe she was just imagining things. All these thoughts swarmed her head and her heart only pounded faster and faster. She couldn’t scream. She was too paralyzed with fear.
She peered through the darkness of her room, trying to make out the man’s silhouette. It was too difficult. She listened for anything. His breathing, a move that he would make. She heard nothing.
At last, she felt the handle of her flashlight. She gripped it tightly and slowly brought it to her chest. If anything, she could try and whack him with it, right? She waited like a panther getting ready to attack its prey. Although in this case, she was the prey. She couldn’t see anything in the dark. She could only wait and hear despite the disadvantage.
When she heard nothing, she flashed her light into the corner where she last saw the man. He wasn’t there! Just a bare, white wall, and her pile of toys. She wanted to believe that she was imagining things, that it was simply a trick of her mind, but a part of her refused to be fooled. She knew she saw him! She flashed the light around her small room and turned her body to face the right towards the door. So far so good. There was no one there. She exhaled steadily and began to ease down a bit, her heart rate slowly decreasing.
Then suddenly, she heard someone breathing behind her. She caught her breath and slowly turned around. She raised her flashlight and flashed the face of an old man! His face wrinkled and saggy and his eyes sucked in. He grinned at her, revealing yellow-stained teeth. She gaped at him in horror as he cocked his head to one side. He held up a bony hand and reached for her face. She backed away from him, her eyes never leaving his face. Her blood curled in her veins. When will she scream?
All of a sudden the man stopped. He stopped grinning, but then he began to open his mouth as if he were going to take a bite out of something. The skin on the two ends of his mouth leading to his jaw began to rip apart as he opened his mouth wider and wider, pulling his head backwards. He let out a spine-chilling scream and when he brought his head back down and faced her, his eyes were pitch black and his mouth dripped with blood with rows of dagger-like teeth.
He smiled at her. “I promise it won’t hurt. I’ll make it quick if you like.” He rasps. “I just need to feed.”
With that, she screamed.
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Here is my review!
Quite a clichéd intro...very similar to "it was a dark and stormy night". I used to do similar intros and got told it's best to begin immediately with a character saying something or taking action. Nevertheless it makes me enter immediately into the story atmosphere so it's not bad.
Here my curiosity increases. You don't reveal every detail immediately, and that's important. Plus, the atmosphere keeps being coherent.
Although now I really wonder what causes the girl to react so bad. Maybe the fear element could have been introduced more gradually instead of making her instantly panic.
Mystery intensifies, I keep wondering and want to read for an answer. Good.
What I like here is especially the final phrase, so simple and powerful.
In conclusion: good atmosphere, the introduction could be better, you know how to carefully reveal everything gradually in order to keep the tension. It's promising. Although without further details, right now it sounds like a short story for the moment. What will the full story be about?
Hey there WildLEYJustice! Tuck stopping by for a short review
Let's jump right into it!
The description of the moon as the "whitest sphere" confused me more than intrigued me, so I would encourage you to remove that from your story because it convolutes instead of clarifies.There should be a comma between "bed" and "Her" instead of a period, since this second sentence is a fragment and a continuation of the first.
Again, there should be a comma after "bit" instead of a period to make this all one sentence.
This was a thrilling story, and I really loved the ending! Your ending shows that she hasn't been quite able or scared enough to muster a scream, but towards the end it reaches a dramatic climax, and her scream shows just how scary this scene really is.
The fifth paragraph is where I'll be focusing most of my attention this review. The first thing that I noticed is that you used a lot of exclamation marks, which came across as a way to convince the reader that what you're saying is exciting and important rather than letting the text speak for itself. Of course, this doesn't mean that you should never use exclamation marks in your narration, but when there are a lot used in a short span, that's the way it begins to come across.
This sentence isn't really necessary because it doesn't add anything to your story; you've already described her relief by saying that her heart rate is decreasing. I would replace this with another sentence that shows rather than tells the reader that she's relieved; perhaps she turns her flashlight off, crawls back into bed, or sags her shoulders in relief. Those physical manifestations of relief are more convincing than a sentence that says that she felt relief.
As a final thought, I would like to hear a little bit more of a description of this girl. You've described her as little, but is she wearing a nightdress or pajamas? Does she sleep with a doll or a stuffed animal? Does she have long hair or short hair? Small details like this, while they may seem insignificant, it helps the reader begin to like this character more because it help her feel more real and allows the reader to connect with her more, and it also provides a nice way of showing her childhood innocence through toys and games associated with a young age.
Hopefully this review was helpful to you! I apologize if it came across as harsh; I really do think that you did a fantastic job of scaring the reader, and I was on the edge of my seat as I read this. I wanted to go a little more in-depth than I usually do in my reviews because I can see that you have a lot of potential and I want to help you be able to go far! If you publish more, please tag me or otherwise notify me! I'd love to see where you go with this story and can't wait to read more! Excellent work on this, and as always, keep writing!
~Tuckster
Aw, thanks for the review. I don%u2019t mind all the critiques cuz I know they%u2019ll help me. Thanks a lot tucker. Peace!