z

Young Writers Society


12+

Wool of the Prince-- Fleta's Folly (pt. 1)

by Rook


~840 words

I was born and quickly forgotten about. I don’t remember anything before I was about six years old, and there was no one to ask. My first memory is a hazy one: I remember a picture of my hand, still a little pudgy from birth, reaching into a brown leather pouch. I remember there was bread in the pouch, but I can’t remember whose it was, what it tasted like, where I ate it, or when I stole it.

Memories are like that. They’re foggy, elusive things, but you remember the strangest things. I remember that that brown pouch had two layers of fringe on it, and my little ring finger had dirt under the nail.

I must have spent a good half of my young waking life with my hands in other people’s pockets. I’m not proud that I stole, but I am proud that I survived. Those early years were hard…

---

I take to the streets the way water takes to the hill. The man is blustering behind me like a wild thing, eyes rolling back in his head, spittle falling from his lips. I can’t understand why. All I stole was an apple. My goodness.

I’m slipping down side street after side street, trying to get lost in the crowds. It’s market day in the city. I’m not too worried about getting away. I am worried about that knife in his hand though. I take two hard lefts, then duck into an alcove behind a barrel. The man goes barreling past like a hurricane. Hah. What a joke. I take a bite of my apple, savoring its crisp sweetness. It is fall, apple season. Winter will be coming soon. I’ll be able to curl up next to a fire place, maybe get some soup in my body. I shiver with excitement and with the cold. I finish my apple, eating it core and all, and step out from behind the barrel.

“Aha!” Shouts a voice, and two arms wrap around me. At the end of one of them is a hand that clasps a knife.

Oh no.

“So that’s where you were hiding, little thief. Are you going to pay for that apple you just devoured?” His voice is rough and low against my ear. I struggle against his grasp, but he just holds me tighter.

“I… don’t have any money,” I make out.

He chuckles like he knew it all along. I suppose he did. You don’t run around in rags and steal apples if you have anything to pay for them with.

“You’re coming with me, street rat.” I can almost picture the greasy smile on his face.

My heart quickens. Bad things happen to young girls on the street. I struggle even harder, and he holds me so tight I can feel bruises forming where his fingers grip my arms. I start to scream, and he slaps me. Hard.

I wake up to vertical lines. I groan. I’m in a jail cell. The man probably just turned me in to the city guard for the general reward of one iron coin. Jail is supposed to deter us street urchins, but it has never deterred me much. At least we get a little food, even if it does come with a beating…

There’s a little moan from the back of my cell, and this little mousy kid sits up. He blinks at me with one eye. The other is swollen shut and blackened. He grins a crazy grin and asks, “So. What are you in for?”

I like this kid already. He tells me his name is Gavin.

We spend the rest of our couple days in jail talking to each other, telling each other stories of our hilarious hi-jinks trying to stay alive.

Gavin opts to spend an extra day in jail just to spend time with me. It turns out he hasn’t really ever had a friend, just like me. The guards just shrug. They don’t care if some urchin wants to get his face beat in another day.

By the time we get out of jail, we’re both limping a bit, and my face looks similar to Gavin’s in terms of number of black eyes. That number is two. But I don’t care. I’m feeling better than I have in a long time.

Gavin and I spend the rest of the winter working together. It’s amazing how successful you can be with four hands instead of two. And it’s nice to be able to curl up to someone when the nights got too cold. We survive together.

It’s suddenly late spring. The time had melted away like the snow. Gavin and I are climbing on the roofs, scoping out a new source of food. A trash bin we had frequently frequented has just gotten a new security system: a ravenous dog.

Gavin points to a door, cracked open. It leads to a house with a pie resting on the windowsill. “How about there?” He asks.

My stomach grumbles, and I nod.


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Fri Aug 07, 2015 6:21 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Fortis!

So here I am, reviewing months late as usual DD: I am so sorry! But I did want to come back to read Fleta's story because I thought it might be an interesting thing to do. And boy, I am sure glad I did! Because even though I knew this was going to be about Fleta I didn't know it was going to be about her past and I love that! We've met a very different kind of character, but we do know that she used to be like this. It's just intriguing to see it first hand. And I am looking forward to the other bits of the story and maybe seeing her character begin to change along the way. This is also in a very different style from The Wool of the Prince. I actually didn't mind that too much. So this was a short chapter, and I don't have too much to say, so I am going to keep the review short.

You mention that Fleta is slipping down side streets and trying to get lost in the crowds in a market. That is all fine and dandy, but my only issue with that is that I don't feel like there are lots of people there. You have a lot less description here when it comes to setting. And I know this isn't a long story so it is allowed to be a bit sparse, but we do need something to go on. When she mentions running, maybe mention that she is dodging various people, pushing some out of her way and hoping that the man is deterred by them. Maybe she is even sticking her hand in some pockets as she is running away for all I know. But try and make it feel more crowded for the reader to understand it as well.

I’m not too worried about getting away. I am worried about that knife in his hand though.


I think one thing I am wondering at is why no one seems alarmed about this guy running with a knife which could possibly hurt them by accident. I am thinking the general crowd would react to this, and I hope you say as much. Maybe mention people shrieking and jumping out of the man's way or something. Oh, and because they see him chasing her, does anyone help him? Or is this the kind of society where they see this happening but keep to their own business and don't help or whatever? Because if he is shouting thief I know that in some societies everyone would start making a grab for her as well.

The very last thing I am going to mention is the lack of dialogue. We are quickly introduced to Gavin, and I don't mind the fact that we don't get too much description of his appearance because we do get a healthy dose of his personality. But the the thing is that we only here him directly say one line - everything else is indirect speech. I have a bit of a problem with that because so much time passes in this chapter as well, and it leaves us feeling that we don't know anymore about what Gavin is like. I want to have at least one decent length conversation with him in direct speech. It wouldn't lengthen this too much, and while they are in jail it would be a pretty good time to do so.

That's all I really have to say! You've put an interesting spin on things, Fortis, and I am looking forward to whenever I am going to be able to read Part 2!

Deanie x




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Sat Jun 06, 2015 2:31 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



You know, seeing this around makes me regret not finishing the novel. I should probably do that this summer...

Anyways, in an effort to actually be more active, I shall start out the summer by reviewing this!

Um, first: as I read this piece, I couldn't help but feel something was missing. And I think I know what it is.

In Wool of the Prince, you made more use of your poetic devices, which was lovely. That doesn't seem to be the case in here, and I really miss the vividness and attitude that it brought to your writing, especially with actions. I know there's a temptation to keep poetry and writing somewhat separate, but the line between them is more like a beach; the ocean of poetry can and will rise onto land.

Going on, there is a lot of tense-switching in this piece. When I posted a short story in March, one of my reviewers commented about how easy it was to get mixed up in the tenses, especially with weird tenses like the perfect tense. For instance:

It’s suddenly late spring. The time had melted away like the snow.
I would change this to "has melted away like the snow." I know you probably meant for it to be in the past, but it's only one sentence, and I would reserve full past and past-perfect for longer spurts, like memories.

As for other things, I am going to guess (from the label, "part") that this is a short story. (If not, please correct me right away so I can prepare myself and make time for more reviewing.) It is a brilliant idea to flesh out the characters a bit more, though I must ask if you are doing it in part to extend your time in Tenyo's Last-Man-Standing Contest.

Like Timmy, I agree that this is a nice addition, and I would like to see more of these shorts for the other characters. (Once I actually finish Wool of the Prince. Honestly, I am a horrible reviewer.)

In other, more plot-ey stuff, I am curious about this Gavin kid and what happens to him. I suppose I shall have to finish reading to find out?

Anyways, it was lovely reading your work again! Have a spectacular summer, Widder, and I'll catch you when you post more!
-Buggie




Rook says...


Yeah, it's kind of a short story, but it's in WotP's appendix, and yes, that's to extend my time in the LMS contest. xD
I'm going to be writing these as viewpoints from other characters. This particular one reveals more about Fleta's backstory, and there will be more about other characters, some will be events that happened in the novel (not before it, like this one) but from another character's perspective. Hopefully it all goes well.
I'm trying to challenge myself by writing in a different tense. I still feel like "had" is the correct form to use there though...



Ventomology says...


Wow... it's amazing that the contest's been going on for so long. Power on, Widder!



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Mon Jun 01, 2015 2:02 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy hereeee

Woah, this really does present a different viewpoint than I thought we'd get from Fleta, even though I remember what the Enchantress hinted at - that Fleta may not have been so honest in her younger days. So in light of that, it does make sense. BUT STILL. It was a surprising turn of events, I think, and brings a new aspect to her I never saw before. Really, I think this is something that should've been incorporated more into the book - like Fleta stealing something to help their cause and Jay asking how she was able to do that, and Fleta replying with a oh, nothing. Just because this Fleta is cool. ;)

There are a few issues throughout this piece, but I think mostly just little errors.
I'll run through it a few times~

I was born and quickly forgotten about.


I don't see this as enough of a representation of that part of her life. I know she couldn't remember anything, but the older Fleta could have deducted the rest - like her parents abandoned her, she doesn't have family, they all died in a disastrous flood. WHATEVER the case may be, it should be in there to add more to that part. c:

I’m not proud that I stole, but I am proud that I survived.


Read the sentence with the two that, and then without - see how it sounds.

Those early years were hard…


Using an ellipsis to trail off is a big no-no. Usually when I see it, I identify the writer as a wannabe writer who tries to build suspense by using those. I know you're a serious writer (oh, so serious), but I'm just throwing the flag up there. It's not a good idea to use an ellipsis during the narration of a story to begin with, because the ellipsis works best in dialogue - as trailing off and such. And this ellipsis was a stumbling block to me.
(I believe there are two or three instances of ellipsis used for this purpose throughout)

eyes rolling back in his head, spittle falling from his lips


He might be mad, but he doesn't have rabies. xD The spittle falling from his lips seemed a bit on the overdone side, but the eyes rolling back in the head is wayyyy over the top. Not because it doesn't provide a vivid image, but because it's not really an accurate one. If his eyes were rolled back in his head, he wouldn't be able to see, now would he? Besides, I just rolled my eyes into the back of my head now and owwww, doesn't feel very good. And I've never done that while mad. >> AND I DUN SEE IT IN THE MOVIES. Therefore, it doesn't exist.

me so tight I can feel bruises forming


The can in can feel isn't necessary~

even if it does come with a beating…


Ellipsis again. Ugh ugh, miss

Gavin points to a door, cracked open.


This last bit needs a bit more description to supply an image, I think? What I saw through that in the first sentence kind of conflicts with the second. So in the first, I think they're going into a house - actually going inside. But in the second sentence, you mention a windowsill, which meant to me on the outside - cooling through an open window like they always show them. Perhaps another sentence would explain better? Or maybe I just can't form a proper picture. >< Whichever it is, I guess. xd

I likeee how you're doing this with Fleta, Kelly. I hope I get to see this with Shep, too, and possibly the Enchantress. CABOT - now that would be a fun POV to follow hehe. But you know, this was a great first part and I loved the style of writing. It shows something, you know. You're not restricted to writing third person, and you do first-person very veryyy well. ;) I'm impressed.
I wonder what happens to them now. Because this seems like it's gonna become a trap. You know, pies are never just abandoned there on the windowsill. Someone is gonna snatch them. O.0
Looking forward to next week~
~Darth TimmyJake





There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable