Published February 14, 2015
Gentle flakes scattered about
dancing in the breeze,
it's frigid embrace,
not unforseen,
guiding them towards your
delicate lashes.
Your eyes flutter shut,
and my heart skips a beat
as I can't help,
but think how breath taking
you are in this moment.
Some snow sticking to your hair,
cheeks dusted pink from the
stiff winter air,
lips slightly parted
as you let out a steady breath,
a child like wonder casts
over your sculpted features,
and an aura of innocence
envelopes you.
You turn your head to look my way.
My breathing quickens,
a grin plays on your lips,
I know I've been caught,
but I'm not scared,
or embarrassed,
rather happy because
I have your attention;
secretly I wonder if you know
how stuck I am in your storm.
You wave excitedly
in my direction,
I try to contain my own
as I shoot my hand up to do the same,
your head turns ever so slightly
to look at some thing to my right,
your grin never falling.
I look over my shoulder,
confused,
and dazed,
now shattered,
realizing you to've been
caught in this blizzard called
love.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
This is beautiful, i am jealous that i am not living this!
Its just written so wonderfully, i love it. There should be more poems like this.
This would be amazing in one of those sad romantic movies like 'If I Stay'. Ii cannot stop rereading this.
Thank you so much! That's the first time anyone's said they can't stop re-reading one of my works! =^_^=
I really love this. The theme is beautifully conceptual. The vocabulary you used fits in perfect with the theme. Great job!!!
Really? Yhanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!!!
No problem
What an awesome poem !:) .I liked how you gave beautiful description after description,that was really great. it's a sort of long poem you really showed consistency all the way threw most
I wasn't really affected by the grammar,but you could fix it to solidify your poem. I don't have nothing on the word "shattered" It's a actually one of my favorite words lol. It was a really "cool" poem.
poets kill the poem half way threw you kept it walking
Thank you! Have an "ice" day! *badum-chhhhhh*
Heya mark!
So first, some very nit-picky stuff that still detracts from your poem as a whole:
should be its, if I'm not mistaken. It is and all that.
I have no idea what you mean by this. In my head, I'm saying, "well, it means that it was forecasted, like, we knew the weather was coming, like, we watched the weather channel and heard it would snow another 18 feet today." But if that's what you mean, than "unforeseen" seems like quite a lofty word to use, and I'm not sure I like it.
Also, you spelled it wrong: it should have another e: "unforeseen."
"Breath-taking" should have a hyphen. ALSO, COMMA! I think what you're trying to say here is "I can't help but think how breath-taking you are..." or whatever, but what you have here is "because I can't help. However, think how breath-taking..." Okay yeah. you understand.
Watch your tenses/verbs! If you read this sentence, it never really has a verb. To remedy this, you should say, "Some snow sticks to your hair, ..." and the rest should be grammatically fine. Except... that stanza runs on for too long in my opinion. I think you should break it into two sentences. Also, "child like" should have a hyphen to be "child-like."
These first two lines are full sentences. They should have semicolons at the end, or a conjunction like "and." I like the way it reads as it is though, so I would opt for two semicolons. Don't be afraid of the more wild punctuation marks. The more comfortable you get with them, the more you'll realize how supremely helpful they are.
Olook. A semicolon. Again, I don't think you should make this whole stanza one sentence. Break it up into two or three. It'll read nicer. I promise.
The antecedent is missing here. I know you were saying that the narrator has her own excitement, but the only noun "my own" could have been referring to here is "direction," and I know that's not what you meant. I suggest you put some synonym to excitement here, like "I try to contain my own enthusiasm."
Again, the first line I've quoted here marks the end of a sentence. I suggest that you end the sentence there.
Firstly, the "to" should be "too." Secondly, I suggest not contracting "have." I know it's the way we speak, but I think it will look nicer as "you too have been".
I like the metaphor here. My heart is screaming out that it's cliche, but I personally have never seen it used, and I like it so I'm going to quash that inner urge to point at random objects and say "CLICHEEE!"
I like the story here, and I like your images. Most of what you need to watch for is your grammar and flow.
ALSO! When you use flutter, you used it right next to snow, eyelashes, and heart. But you only used it for the eyes. I think it would be supercool if you had something on how all three of those objects flutter (because they doooo!).
that's basically all I have. Other than I hate the word "shattered." It reminds me of too many cliched "emo" poems. Find some other way to express that same emotion. Or don't. I just hate that word.
Let me know if you have any questions! Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis
Thanks solitude! Yeah, I know my grammar is just sad. Hope you liked it, thanks for the tips! =^_^=