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18+ Violence Mature Content

Little girl

by miki555


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

-I see a little girl smiling from a window, her eyes are blue and shiny and while looking at them I got some crazy feeling that I have known this girl for a very long time. When I looked into her eyes some warm feeling came by and I felt such unbelievable happiness. It just can’t be described. It’s amazing. So I waited a couple of minutes in front of her house then I got in her house and raped her. She didn’t scream much so I had to stab her in her little stomach. When I came all over her young face it was a dream come truth.

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Sun May 31, 2015 7:09 pm
erilea wrote a review...



This is terrifying. I'm not trying to criticize or anything but seriously. Why would someone waste 350 coins for this? Why? People intend to review pieces that need reviewing and something this sick isn't what I came for. At least make it longer--actually, no, I don't want details.
Dude, this girl was about five, from your descriptions. This is sick, I repeat. No. I just dont' want to do this anymore.

I'm out.




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Thu May 28, 2015 12:45 am
Ljungtroll says...



Dude, this is sick. Why would you write something like this? Who wants to imagine a dude twisted enough to rape a little girl and then stab her in the stomach?! i do admit that it was interesting to look into a raper's mind, though. BUT STILL!




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Mon May 11, 2015 8:12 am
miki555 says...



I am sorry for this work please forgive me




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Fri May 08, 2015 3:49 pm
TheGambit wrote a review...



Interesting story. I have to say I found it quite disturbing and was appalled by this character. That doesn't mean this was a bad story. Actually this anti-heroism could make a great story! Do not listen to these guys trying to bring you down just because they didn't like the story. Not everone will like a story and they don't have to like it because you can write whatever you want. Many great authors wrote controversial books during their time that are now praised. I personally found it disturbing, but I was still very much interested in this character. It would be nice to see more of this character and what made him what he is. It actually reminds me of the show Dexter, which I loved. I was a little surprised at the length of this, but I know it's a short story so it's okay. My suggestions are to give a little more background and detail as to what his justifications are and generally more detail into his state of mind. I think that background could give this story more dynamics and catch more attention from the readers. Also try to keep from being a little too wordy. What I mean by that is I saw you used the word "and" multiple times in one sentence. Just try to keep from using words more than once in a row. Other than that, I found this story to be a good one. Keep writing whatever you want to because that's the kind of mindset one needs to write stories that don't conform to cliché endings and plots. All it needs is a little work to convey your story even better. We all can use a little work to better our writing capabilities. I know I do. Great story man. Keep writing and I definitely want to see more.




Willard says...


Really?


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miki555 says...


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


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miki555 says...


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


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miki555 says...


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm



TheGambit says...


What?



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Thu May 07, 2015 1:51 pm
Satira wrote a review...



Very Poe-esque. Have you ever read Poe? I haven't, really, but I know that he sometimes wrote about psychotic killers in a way that was disturbingly relatable. You should check him out. Honestly, while I found this super disturbing, I also really applaud you for being really honest and up-front, while in the perspective of your narrator. Like it or not, there are countless people just like him in the world, and we have to face that.
As for your writing, there were quire a few grammar issues- this is the revised version of your first sentence; take it or leave it:

I saw a little girl smiling from a window. Her eyes are blue and shiny, and while looking at them I got some crazy feeling, like I had known her for a very long time
. - see? your past and present tenses are all over the place. Pick one, and try to stick with it!
Also, do rapist refer to rape as what it is? I think they probably lie to themselves about that. Crazy people make things up that 'justify' their actions.
With the screammy-stabby part, I would replace the word 'much' with 'enough', to make your motives clear. The fact that the girl did not scream could be interpreted as a good thing, believe it or not, because the quieter, the better (he wouldn't be caught as easily, right)? But since the screaming is like, a GOOD thing for him, make sure that his intentions are as clear as possible.
I hate the last sentence- I'm having a hard time stomaching this whole thing- but maybe it was necessary. Although I would change the phrase 'dream come truth' to something else- it didn't really fit, exactly.

I'm so sorry that you're writing about this... I mean, I don't know where you're coming from with your piece, but wherever it is, it's pretty dark. So I'm sorry.
But I applaud you for taking this extremely ballsy move, and jarring people out of their comfy little niches to look at the very real, very disturbing issues that are right in front of our noses. Never stop being honest to please other people. What you have, your honesty, is a gift.
Keep writing, and stay true!
~Satira



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miki555 says...


ty



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Thu May 07, 2015 4:14 am
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Edelweiss says...



I can find no words to describe my utter disappointment in you and your sick brane.
I have to say it takes a lot to make me angry, and you darn just did it.
To begin with, why in the world would you choose to pick this topic?
Second, of all things write about a poor girl being rapped, and put it in 1st person?
To where the reader, is reading in the rappers view?
It's simple sad that you would even imagine these things, even sadder you would come and post them on here. I am sorry and I feel sorry for you. Just please take it down...
We encourage you to write, but this is should not be allowed.
You liked your own work? Come on now.




JKHatt says...


*brain
*raped
*first
*raper's
*simply
*is


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miki555 says...


it's so beautifull



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Wed May 06, 2015 8:47 pm
deleted23 says...



Why...............




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Wed May 06, 2015 12:57 pm
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donizback says...



I really wish I could unread this thing somehow. You ruined my day!!

Image



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miki555 says...


I am so sorry u feel that way
F*** YOU



donizback says...


God bless you, dude. I feel sorry for you.


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miki555 says...


mmmmmmmmmmmm



Amnesia says...


*sighs* it isnt very nice to say the f word on here >.>



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Wed May 06, 2015 4:04 am
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rainforest wrote a review...



This is just a filthy piece. It makes me want to vomit. As Widdershins said, you were just so blunt in this. No details at all. "I raped a little girl and stabbed her in her stomach. The End." That is just absolutely horrible and it makes me sick to my stomach. So please, I would consider redrafting this and ask for advice if you need any.

-CaptainSalty



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miki555 says...


You are gay



rainforest says...


Hey, don't take constructive criticism so hard. That was very rude of you to say. No one here, I'm sure, will be the next William Shakespeare. So just don't comment rudely on other people's reviews.


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miki555 says...


So gay



CuriosityCat says...


Excuse me, miki, but I'm going to have to ask you to calm down.

I know how a bad review can make you feel ('cuz GEEZ do I get some) but you can't just start lashing out at everyone. Dude, Captain's review wasn't even rude compared to some of the other comments. He pointed out problems and tried to give you advice.

I appreciate how all this negative feedback is hurtful, especially on a first piece, but you need to take a deep breath. Honestly, I think everyone is taking their comments a bit too far, but you can be the bigger person in this situation.

Sincerely,

Curiosity killed the Cat



rainforest says...


Thank you for intervening, Cat. There are plenty more reviews out there that will think are rude.



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Wed May 06, 2015 1:29 am
mephistophelesangel wrote a review...



Hey! So won't say that this is bad or anything. I respect how people write, what they want to write, and well, everyone has things that they want to work on, huh?

I'm sorry that I won't be able to give you a decent review on this. I usually review more lengthy works, and this seems way too short for my liking. But still, keep writing!

Mephis




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Tue May 05, 2015 11:54 pm
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Ciblio says...



You're new. That's cool. You know what's not cool? This piece of 'work' that you thought was worthy enough to post. Bye.




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Tue May 05, 2015 10:19 pm
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taylor51599 says...



Wtf is this? This is so very disgusting. Why would you even write something like this? What has this world come to? Faith in humanity... gone.




deleted23 says...


Yeah I agree with you Taylor!



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Tue May 05, 2015 10:18 pm
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Rook wrote a review...



Hello.
This piece was shocking (in a bad way) and I very much did not like it.
Your subject matter is obviously something that people don't generally say bluntly like you have, and for good reason.
I fail to see what you were trying to accomplish by writing this. If it was for getting out emotions, I highly suggest that you take this kind of thing and keep it in a drawer.

But, if you were honestly trying to write a story about rape, from the rather unique rapist's point of view, then this still was pretty bad. You start okayish leading the reader in with "who is this girl," but it still wasn't the most unique way to start, nor do we get any lead up to this, any background on who the characters are. Why does this girl look familiar? Then the rest of this just seems to be making light of a travesty, something that shouldn't be joked about.
If you're serious about writing a piece on rape, you can be blunt, but you can't just say X raped Y. the end. That doesn't do anything but make the reader cringe (and not cringing in a good way).
You also have a plethora of grammar mistakes. "truth" at the end should be "true," for example.

Feel free to reread Lumi's review. He said all the important things.



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miki555 says...


This is a short story bro


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miki555 says...


ty



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Tue May 05, 2015 9:23 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



This is disgusting. Which is basically a compliment to you as the writer because you managed to evoke a feeling in the readers. The fact that I got several messages asking that this be removed should be a testament - not to your potency as a writer because this was poorly written - but to the potency of the subject matter. So in that regard you have credit for wielding a proper weapon to evoke hatred of rape and rapists, so here is the compliment to you: you told the story in a way that made many feel something strong.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's talk about how awful the writing is. You've chosen first person - which naturally you'd assume from the description would be the PoV of the rape victim - but you've chosen the rapist, so that's where we are. You need to revise your sentence structure to eliminate comma splices and run-on-sentences, sentence fragments, etc.

You kept the descriptions empty and without substantial meat. You skim past crucial details like how he got into the house, what was going through his head before he got to her, anything, really, that fulfills him as a character - no matter if we want to connect with him or not. The subject of your story should never be disconnected to the reader. What comes to mind is this novel that I follow and review in each installment. It's about a kid who's basically a serial killer, and by the halfway point in the book, you're practically rooting for him to succeed in his mission. The writer is skilled and wise enough to develop the characters in such a way that the reader connects with him in the same way he does as a writer.

So I want to see more of this despicable rapist so I can know exactly what's been shaken loose in his brain to make him this way.

Beyond that, there's the shock value of writing the details of the rape scene; and while it's not something I would particularly want to read in any format, it's something that I'd rather be executed properly than have to say "That is disgusting, and the writing was horrible." Consider it the two sides of the coin of an editor reading shock-value horror. If you're going to write about this mess, make it mess worth reading.

Hope this helps your filthy endeavors,
Ty




keystrings says...


What a great way to say it.


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miki555 says...


I am the greatest writer in my vilage



rainforest says...


In 1 village is 1 place. That's only 1 medium. You probably aren't the greatest writer in the world or all across your country. I am just saying.



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Tue May 05, 2015 7:55 pm
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Amnesia says...



Im just going to point out that this "story" here doesnt match the description at all. This should be rated high that what it's rated as.




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Tue May 05, 2015 7:54 pm
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deleted5 says...



Hi,
This isn't a review but a few people have noticed that this work doesn't have an age rating regardless of it's contents. I would suggest adding one ASAP





grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
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