By IceWinifredd©
“I'm Not Done”
(Introduction)
Once Upon a time
Something wonderful happened to me
It was the greatest thing that came to be
A beautiful fantasy, a dream turned reality
I'm sure you remember this
It was the day I confided in you...
(Verse 1)
You see, for the longest time, I didn't conceive
I struggled to see, to pray, and to believe
So many things happened; so many dreams and years were gone
I felt so alone and abandoned, so confused and lost
But one day, one very normal day,
With my heart feeling heavy, my mind clouded with gray
I decided to fight, that I'm here, not gone,
That I'm not done...
(Chorus)
I'm not done; I'm a master of my fate
I'm not done; I'm a captain of my soul
I'm not done, for I have just started
I'm not done; this blackness has finally departed...
(Verse 2)
Well, what can I say? Feel like I should've known
That I'd end up in a place with nowhere to go
Every now and then, I hoped no one realized
The awful doubt behind these eyes
It took time, so much time, to realize that I was blind
But things are different, my world has changed
With fire brewing in me and air in my lungs,
I reach out and seek guidance from the heavenly one...
(Chorus)
I'm not done; I'm a master of my fate
I'm not done; I'm a captain of my soul
I'm not done, for I have just started
I'm not done; this blackness has finally departed...
(Oh, oh, oh, oh) (x5)
(Bridge)
I'm not done; I'm not done (x2)
(Verse 3)
It's a sea of despair, you fall in, and you might drown
You swim to survive, but you're falling behind
You reach out with your hands; you kick with your feet
Your will is now weak, you admit your defeat...
(Chorus)
I'm not done; I'm a master of my fate
I'm not done; I'm a captain of my soul
I'm not done, I have just started
I'm not done; this blackness has finally departed...
Now it's time for me to rise, for I'm far from an ugly demise
I really can't believe it took me so long to recognize
That God was with me, that my faith can never die
No, I'm just getting started because I'm not done...
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Canary word: Present
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Hello!
You said this was only a bit religious, but to me it reads very religious. That's okay though. I always have a hard time relaying my religious beliefs in a piece of writing.
I think these lyrics have a lot more lyrical feel to them than the ones I just reviewed. I like the images you used to conjure up the point you were trying to make.
Again, watch out for cliches and forced rhyme. I find that in a lot of religious poetry/lyrics, people end up using the same images over and over again, and I find it quite tiring. These lyrics are no exception. I think the most overused image in religious songs and poems is the image of swimming/the ocean. And again, forced rhymes. Take the advice I gave in the other review and apply it to this one.
I feel like that's most of what I can say, because I think this is probably a pretty personal poem. Read through it out loud, really ponder every line and see if it's needed. See if you can improve on anything. The thing that covers most problems with lyrics is the music, so if you have good music to go with, then most mistakes can be forgiven. (Most songs now-a-days don't have very intelligent lyrics, but their tune and beat lets them get away with it.)
Let me know if you have any questions, and Keep writing!
Thanks again Widdershins! I appreciate it!
This set of lyrics wasn't meant to be entirely religious, but I guess it just ended up that way. And yes, I'll apply some corrections and re-write it a bit with a melody that will suit it very well. Thanks again and have an awesome morning! -IceWinifredd
This is a nice song. It is a little too formatted, however. Try changing it up a bit more with rhythm and your rhyme scheme.
also Have you ever read the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley? I'm guessing you have because your chorus seems based upon it. I would suggest finding your own words to make it more personal.
all in all, good start and just a bit of fine tuning (pun intended) is needed.
Thanks very much for the read and comment! And I'll re-write it to make it have more rhythm and rhythm scheme. And as for the poem, I never heard of it or of the poet. But I did come across this chorus parts when I was reading random quotes. I didn't know it was part of a poem. But yeah, I'll have to change it up a bit. Thanks for the feedback ad have an amazing afternoon! -IceWinifredd