“Ian I can’t get down!” Kali yelled from the highest branch of the oak tree.
“Yes you can. Just go down one branch at a time,” he replied.
“What if I fall?” she asked trying to ignore the lump in her throat.
“You won’t. I’ll catch you if you fall. I’ll save you,” he said.
“What if you can’t?” Kali questioned, hugging the tree for dear life.
“I promise, Kali. I won’t let anything happen to you. Don’t you trust me?”
Kali took in a shaky deep breath and started to climb down the tree. She didn’t dare look down, simply because she knew it would cause her to fall. Kali started to gain confidence as she felt the branches get thicker beneath her fingers and toes.
Then, as she grabbed the branch above her head, it snapped. She lost her balance and tumbled out of the tree. She waited to land on the ground, to feel the intense pain of breaking her arm again. She didn’t feel either. She landed on something squishy, and arms folded around her.
Kali jumped off of Ian and as he stood up, she kissed him. Ian turned beet red and turned his glowing face to the ground.
“Girls have cooties,” he said, kicking the dirt with his toe. “You’d better hope I don’t get ‘em.”
Kali laughed and ran for the next tree.
----
“Hey, wait for me,” I whined, struggling to catch up with the boy in front of me.
“C’mon Kali, we’re almost there,” he called back, excitedly. “It’ll be worth it. You’ll see.”
“I need to walk now. Please Ian, you know I can’t run as fast as you,” I said slowing my pace. Up ahead, Ian stopped moving and started to walk beside me.
I felt heat emanating from Ian’s body, and although I was sweating, I shivered, enjoying it.
I had liked Ian ever since I was five years old. I would follow him around like a lovesick puppy dog. I suppose that’s why I don’t fit in with the other girls at school. While they played with make-up and Barbie’s, I was climbing trees and playing baseball.
I always hoped that when I got older my crush on Ian would fade away, but here I am, fourteen years old and still trailing after him as if my life depended on it. He didn’t seem to mind. He was my best friend.
His hand was so close to mine that if I moved just one of my fingers, they could easily intertwine around his. My heart thumped frantically at the idea. My stomach felt as if the butterflies were having a pillow fight.
“Look there it is,” Ian said, pointing in front of us. I pushed my sweaty bangs out of my eyes and peered at, what appeared to be, a river. Ian’s curly black hair flapped wildly against his head as he looked around, smiling. He seemed so happy here.
“My Mama said I couldn’t stay out too late,” I said nervously. I wasn’t the best swimmer, but then again I didn’t want to leave Ian.
“It’s only noon, Kali,” Ian laughed. He took off his shirt and I looked away, blushing. I always stared just a little too long. I stared at the smooth, weathered rock he was standing on. There was a pretty steep drop from the rock to the water.
“Watch this,” he called from atop the rock. He jumped, doing a front flip. As soon as he resurfaced he smiled at me, a smug look on his face. I rolled my eyes.
“Show off,” I yelled. He swam to the edge of the river and grabbed my ankle.
“I’ll pull you in,” he threatened.
“No you won’t,” I replied, extracting my leg from his grip. “You know I can’t swim that well.”
“I’ll help you. If anything happens I’ll make sure to get you out. I promise I won’t let you drown, I’ll save you if I need too,” Ian said, his gray-green eyes serious for once.
My mind jerked back to the time we were five. He had kept his promise then, and I knew he would keep it now. I looked at him with trust filled eyes and slipped into the cool water. While the water came up to Ian’s chest, it reached the tops of my shoulders.
The river current thrashed against my legs, but I held my ground. Ian splashed me and swam away, daring me to follow. I stroked towards him, in hopes that I would dunk him, but stubbed my toe against a sharp rock.
“Ow,” I cried, lifting it up to see the damage. It was a mistake. The current knocked my other leg out from under me, pushing me beneath the surface.
I thrashed and kicked, earning a lungful of air before being sucked right back down. My energy was fading and my lungs were screaming in protest.
“Ian!” I yelled, once I made it up again. I couldn’t see him. The river must be carrying me away from him.
I tried to kick to the surface again, but the water was too deep now. I sucked in brackish water. My lungs burned and my heart slowed. A red-black cloud was forming at the edges of my vision. I swallowed more water and my body started to move in slow motion. I needed air. My eyes closed and I stopped moving entirely. I felt a last moment of peace before I gave into the sweet, caressing darkness.
---- 3 hours later ----
Ian held Kali’s limp body in his arms. Tear streamed freely down his cheeks, occasionally falling in her hair.
Her body had been beaten badly by the rocks and leaves were stuck in her locks. Sorrow and guilt caused him to wail. Here was the body of the only girl he’d ever loved and he had loved her so much. He had promised to protect her but he had let her die.
Ian lay next to Kali, feeling nothing except his soul-crushing grief.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Comma between Ian and I.
Comma between Yes and you.
Try to find a less obvious reason. Maybe she's starting to get weak? She'd lose her grip?
This seems shocking, especially because it seems so out of character of Kali.
She should be experiencing panic or fear, not peace. Sweet, caressing darkness doesn't exactly match the description. Is it crushing her, suffocating her, putting pressure on her? I also like the "red-black cloud" vision part, which fits the mood much better.
And what is she thinking? Is her life flashing before her eyes, is she seeing Ian on her mind?
Maybe you can go more into her muscle movement, make her completely aware of every body movement.
This is okay, starting out. It seems a bit cliche starting out. But post some more, clean up what you have, and maybe you've got the beginnings of a story on your hands.
I think this was really beautifully written. It's so sad, but I kind of like that fact that you didn't go with the cookie cutter happy ending. Also when you write the end, "He had promised to save her, but he let her die" you could add emphasis by saying something like: He had made so many promises, but he broke the only one that really mattered, and now the promises he had always wanted to make to her, lay still next to her body, just as dead and silent as she is.
just a suggestion! by all means keep it the way it is if you feel you love it!!! because i really do love it but i just thought you should add some emphasis to the broken promise. also, maybe add more slight details about how she loves him, and maybe a small hint or two from him besides the promise that he loves her.
but great story!! sad, but realistic and beautiful. it's almost lyrical in a way.
"I always hoped that when I got older my crush on Ian would fade away, but here I am, fourteen years old and still trailing after him as if my life depended on it. He didn’t seem to mind. He was my best friend."
You switch tense here - "I always hoped...but here I am." You should probably say, "but there I was."
"I always stared just a little too long. I stared at the smooth, weathered rock he was standing on."
The word 'stared' is repetitive here.
Yeah, other than that, I didn't see much wrong with it. It was so, so sad though. I wasn't expecting it to end that way. On a personal note, I'm not a fan of first-person narrators who die. Because who's writing their story seconds before they die? It's just not believable to me. But that's entirely my opinion.
Very good job. Although I'm depressed now.
I think I found another spelling error that no one pointed out.
I think that should be tears.
Other than that, I really liked it. Ummm, yea i can't think of anything negative to say about it. I guess I'll go ahead and read the second part and comment on that.
aaww its so sad!! but so good!!! and hahaha my sisters bf's name is ian!! lol
aw. I'm sorry you didn't like it. I love sad stories because real life isn't perfect and not everything has a happily ever after. I know that most people don't care, they just want a good book. Anyway, I'll think about writing more. This was actually meant to be a short story, nothing more, but a lot of you seem to want me to write more. That made me fell all goo inside. haha. I apreciate your opinion Masala, I hope I explained a little more of why it had a sad ending.
P.S. Thanks for all the reveiws. You guys are amazing. I'll try to write more, I just don't know what else to put. As I said before, this was to be a short story, but I'll try to think of something!
~Tiger
I didn't like the story for the same reasons everyone else liked it. This was way too sad. I was hoping for a romantic story not a drama. At the same time I didn't feel connected enough to the characters. The death seemed trivial, like there wasn't enough background on the two. I think it's a great start and has lots of potential but isn't quite there. Ian says that he will save her but he doesn't. I understand that failing but it would have been more dramatic and romantic if it had been a situation that Ian had no control over. Cancer, plane crash, force of nature... Something that would then make us connect with Ian and give the story more depth. I won't mention the grammar mistakes the others have mentioned but I do want to say that the switching between first person narrative and third person narrative was confusing and didn't help the story any. It was obvious that Kali couldn't continue narrating the story because she was dead but the switch just made it awkward.
I like your writing style thought, it draws the reader in and is easy to read. A very good start, you just need to push it a little.
omg... You have to keep this going. I love it!! It's soo sad! But Ian sounds adorable and I love how Kali trusts him. Is Ian the same age??
Hmm, maybe you should elaborate on Ian's feelings toward the end...like, make us feel more of the guilt. I liked the way you described her drowning though : ) lol That was amazing.
Anyway..keep this going I like it a lot! I think it has a lot of potential! : D
Wow. Thanks so much. This was hard for me to write and I got so frustrated with myself that I just said 'the heck with it' and wrote what I had. I'm not used to anything except fantasy fiction, but the reveiws here made me feel SO good. I'll defintely fix the grammatical errors and such later, but I wanted to say thanks to everyone. I think I might write more of this kind of thing. (=
~Tiger
I love this, it's short and sweet.
Everyone else has pretty much pointed out any mistakes, so Ill just tell you how much I love it.
The ending is ... unexpected. I was certain he would save her. I don't know what else to say except...well done!
Awwww
. I liked this piece a whole ton!!! And it was so sad! Your very good at showing action in your stories and I liked how you started with the flashback. Very good. Only a couple mistakes...
That is a little too many walks, I think
Lol you kind of forgot the 'm' there
Awwww
. I liked this piece a whole ton!!! And it was so sad! Your very good at showing action in your stories and I liked how you started with the flashback. Very good. Only a couple mistakes...
That is a little too many walks, I think
Lol you kind of forgot the 'm' there
Hi
This is such sad story 
really well written though, I can't shred it to pieces- its too good for that! 
As she is shouting this, an exclamation mark might be better than a comma at the end.
I think you could say something better than 'loosen up' here, maybe something about gaining confidence or gaining speed, losing her fear or anything like that.
I'd maybe have the actual holding of the branch, as you say she went to but you don't actually say she held it then it snapped. You could maybe say something about her hand closing around a branch above her head and then it snapped, for instance- 'Then, as her hand closed around a branch above her head, it snapped.'
You repeat walk three times here, I'd maybe change one or two- for instance you could just say something about slowing down, not specifying to a walk
You need a full stop on the end here.
That is a brilliant simile!!
You repeat 'looked' quite close to one another, maybe for the second one you could say 'he seemed so happy here' or 'he was so happy here' or something like that.
This is good in showing us what is to come and adding to the suspense, the only thing I think you could change is 'said', perhaps you could comment more on how solemnly he says it to show how seriously he takes the promise he is making.
'tie' should be 'time'.
I think you could say something better than 'my body started moving slower', like something about everything appearing in slow motion or something like that. I love the rest of the descriptions you use though!
Instead of 'in' I'd maybe say 'onto' here.
You've just mentioned her hair so I'd maybe change this to something about 'her locks' or her 'fringe', just so you are not repeating the word
Overall: Really effective story, the ending made me feel so sad! I love how you give the background through the first part of the story, it reveals lots about the characters relationship without having to tell the reader things. And the little snippets of description on both of them were nicely placed too
The only things that I can see that could be changed would be the part where she is climbing down the tree, I'd maybe add more of her feelings to it. You describe where she is drowning really well but there isn't a lot in that first part that shows how panicky she feels and I would think she would be from her hesitation before. Perhaps when she falls she could start to scream as well, something like that just to demonstrate how scary it all was for her. I think you could also maybe add just a sentence or two more to when Ian jumps off the rock as at first I didn't think he was standing on a rock so maybe saying something about when she looked back he had suddenly moved and perhaps describing when he crashes into the water.
Other than that I think its perfect
This is all around a cute and enjoyable story
I love how it's short and sweet.
Only a few tiny little mistakes:
My mind jerked back to the time we were five.
Tears streamed freely down his cheeks, occasionally falling in her hair.
Here was the body of the one girl he’d ever liked and he had liked her so much. Maybe change "one girl" to "only girl"? The "one girl" is just a little awkward but you could probably still get away with it.
Overall, great job! Continue writing!
<3 Sara.
awww i luved it but it was so sad. oh, and one thing on grammar: you say "tie" wehn i think you mean "time". but i stil loved it!!!!! i just wish ian could have saved her tho lolz