Late last night I toyed with the ideas of secrets
Some are seemingly innocent
Like when I told you about the guy I like
Some are meant to be held true and dear
My brother was the first one to to find me laughing on the phone with my boyfriend and lovingly teased me for hours
Some bring joy
Dont you dare tell my mom but I got my first kiss
Some are more painful
You didn't hear this from me, but the wreck was caused by them drinking
Some are insanely serious
I took your i.d. and got pulled over... They are pressing charges
Some are more meaningful
I fell in love with you from the way your eyes shine to the way you make invisble art with words
Some are meant to hurt others
You are the reason I took those pills
Some are meant to build and restore relationships
Did he at least tell you I said no?
Some are surely meant to destroy them
I was only with him to get back at you
But either way the dice roll
You give away black mail to others
At first it is child's play
The basic he said she said game
Then the secret is twisted and rewritten through seemingly loud whispers in a dark hallway
Finally when the cards are fully dealt
The secrets you started with are branded into your skin in an ink you cant seem to find
But to everyone else the words might as well glow
Though in that ink two stories are left to be read
First your own words which have molded themselves to your shattered heart
And the verison whose words destroy and forever only burn
And thoise friends who started in the beginning of this black hole as your very own army
Before you even realize what you are doing your hand is in the air holding and waving a flag
That should be surrender enough... right?
No instead that flag is tattered and covered with the words you never said
Every secret after your trust is broken had better be held close to your heart guarded close by your shattered battered ribs tht have been broken down by the lies and sewn together with your blue veins that strain and and twist to the point nothing not even the silent screams that you form in your throat could ever pierce through it
Not after you were forced to your knees and abandoned by the people you once called your best friends
After every light of joy was stripped
After the bruises of betrayal had faded, you realized the fact of life is that you denied existed is that no one will ever be trust worthy enough to cause the secret you buried six feet under never to be seen again
But wait even as the knowledge of what could no would happen resurfaced you met that person who caused the blue thread to strain as though to constrict the flutter of crippling hope from even forming
But even the past cant stop the way you give out trust as though it will make the scars less visble or make them disappear
But as I wake to begin another day
The sickening question secrets plague me but only one aspect keeps my mouth sealed shut sso that not even the sweetest words from the purest lips could open it
Which leaves me to question myself as I see and hear every beautiful thing that draws me into the trap of safety
Like the game of predator and prey or the hunter and the hunted
The hunted never realizes the danger they are in until they have no escape
Until the day turns to night
Until the pain of the gunshots have become dull to feeling
Which begs to question
Will my secrets stay?
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello.
I can see how this piece is extremely personal to you. It has a distance to it that reflects hurt, that reflects fear and not wanting to tip your hand. It shows just how much this weighs on you and how much you're trying to skirt around feelings because they're painful.
However, this is exactly why the poem misses the mark for other people reading it.
Poetry is best when there is something revealing about the writer. And by that I mean something actually revealed, instead of hinted at. Right now, you're crouching behind vague metaphors that tell us a lot about secrets in general, but they don't really tell us anything about your secrets. What you do reveal isn't explored, isn't expanded upon, and that is where poetry really creates a connection with the reader.
Until you can really dig in deep to those actual secrets, expand upon one— or expand upon a single relationship destroyed by those secrets— your poem will be too vague to really be relatable. It lacks the power of a personal piece, and I know those are very hard to dig into, but if you want to improve your poetry it would benefit to both dig deeper and focus on a singular point to thoroughly explore.
Beside that, you have a certain lack of flow. Each idea is contained in a single line, single run on sentence in some cases, and as a result you don't carry us along via punctuation. You're lacking it in your long, prose-like stanzas in particular, making them very difficult to read. This article goes into more detail for why punctuation should be properly punctuated.
Overall, this has promise. However, it is too unfocused to really have an impact. Pick a single point— be it a single secret, or a single relationship— and truly dive into it. Then you'll have a much stronger piece.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hi Felistia here with a review.
Nice idea and by the way the title is very good. It made me want to read the poem. That being said I have some nit picks.
Some of your lines are to long and breaks up the flow. I think you have a spelling mistake in the line (You need to hear this from my but the wreck was caused by them drinking) I think you are supposed to write it (You need to hear this from me, but the wreck was caused by them drinking)
Towards the end the feelings get stronger, which is good, but the lines get long and it becomes hard to read.
The ideas and emotions in the poem are great, but the lay out needs work. Have a great day\night.
Thank you very much for your review and taking the time to do so.