Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So...actually ths was pretty good. I don't get why you're saying this is bad. Sure its a very simple premise and its all presented in the minimum amount of words but that's not necessarily bad. It still gets a point across, there is a recognizable storyline, as short as it is and it's honestly pretty well written.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I knew you wern't happy. More than you knew yourself. But I kept it, a secret my heart and watched your free spirit vanish, grow old. The fear I had, that you would see through my lies. When I said I loved you. Then you would hate me, and when that faded away pity would crawl through and would reassure what I felt inside.
Well that is certainly a very attention grabby opening. Its actually a really good choice there to open with these questions and observations that this person appears to be feeling here. There is one tiny typo there, it should be weren't.
The night I slapped you, I remember the hate I felt, writhing through my numb body like some dark mark. I saw the pain in your eyes and watched your love for me bleed away in those dark tears; a fading light. The numbness returned as I sat at home alone after you left. You even managed a brave smile as you said goodbye, tipping spilling drawers into your dusty suitcase. You had so many more places to go. Turning to look at me once again with those eyes, a look of cold hate in those eyes shielded by a ghost of a smile, we knew we wern't pretending anymore,, and it felt fine.
Now I'm suspecting that this is not a typo as that should be weren't once more. And wow this is kind of sad but also happy here. I think it's meant to be happy with them doing something that is probably best for both of them and no one really seems to have got hurt all that much so I think that's the point. Once again this seems pretty nice actually. The emotions are doing a great job here and for such a simple premise I honestly think there really isn't anything wrong with it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think you did a great job of showing the POV character's personality and emotions and you gave just about enough description to get a pretty impactful set of images in that last paragraph. So I'll just say great job!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 261340
Reviews: 4131
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