It was noon in the village of Laifftesjot, and the villagers were at their work, when they heard music coming in from the distance: fast dance music, with pipes and horns and strings. A farmer dropped his plow, a spinnstress left her wheel, a smith set down his hammer, a huntress put down her bow. The musicians stood at the center of the village, and people in their cottages opened their windows to peer out and see what was happening, and saw that they were dressed in dark, glimmering metalic robes that nearly completely covered them, like priests, and they saw the dancers dancing merrily away around them. A father turned to his daughter:
“It looks like the priests have come to put on music for us. It’s not very often that this happens. Why don’t we go?”
The daughter replied:
“Everyone is just leaving their work to go dance. That’s not very re-spon-si-ble. You shouldn’t.” She paused. “Also, I find it a bit su-spi-cious.”
“Well, we’re going.” He grabbed her wrist and they went out the door.
As they approached the center of the village, they were blocked by a robed and hooded woman, who had a face of unearthly beauty, a fair – nay, pale – complexion, and gleaming grey eyes that shimmered like alien waters. She held out a firm hand and spoke firmly:
“Don’t hurry yourselves.”
“What do you mean?” the father snapped.
The band hit a note as high as Heaven, and at that moment from Heaven a reddish lightningbolt came down, striking the Earth like a great hammer, and opening a chasm from which blazing red flames erupted. The band walked into it, and the dancers followed merrily right behind them.
The woman’s hood was down, and now they could see the back of her head was severely rotted. Her sleeve crept down her forearm as she gestured, and her forearm was rotted to the bone.
“It’ll be your time eventually.” She paused. “It’s all our times eventually.” She let out a low chuckle and walked away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I see that you do not try to use very different and hard words to express your thoughts and feelings in this work.I like the way you write.Simple but still full..does this make sense?I hope it does,heh.
So let's go on.I could not find any problems with your grammar or punctuation which is a good point and plus for this work to get more positive reviews from the readers.
Only I could say something about this line:
A farmer dropped his plow, a spinnstress left her wheel, a smith set down is hammer, a huntress put down her bow.
I think it needs to be:
A farmer dropped his plow, a spinnstress left her wheel, a smith set down (it needs to be changes here t hers/his)
I did not find the main topic of this work to be honest but maybe I need to read it several times.
I see that you do not try to use very different and hard words to express your thoughts and feelings in this work.I like the way you write.Simple but still full..does this make sense?I hope it does,heh.
So let's go on.I could not find any problems with your grammar or punctuation which is a good point and plus for this work to get more positive reviews from the readers.
Only I could say something about this line:
A farmer dropped his plow, a spinnstress left her wheel, a smith set down is hammer, a huntress put down her bow.
I think it needs to be:
A farmer dropped his plow, a spinnstress left her wheel, a smith set down (it needs to be changes here t hers/his)
I did not find the main topic of this work to be honest but maybe I need to read it several times.
Oh, dude, reading something like this right after a yummy lunch is really awesome. Yeah, I just had my lunch. XD I hope you have a yummy lunch and a yummy dinner,too.
As for the story, well, it was awesomely-written. I couldn't find a single thing to nitpick, truly..Only, I couldn't get the meaning of the story. :/ Is it related to "death"? Like when the woman talked about time..I thought it wasn't time for them to die.
Your writing style is somewhat different. You use simple words, simple description and still it turns into something awesome and exceptional. Your story has a flow. It felt like someone was telling this to me.And I like this thing soo much. I want you to keep on writing like this. The next time you write a new story, let me know. ^-^
Best of luck!
Hi Wunderbar!
First things first, you reviewed my story today - this isn't a payback review! I genuinely thought your piece was interesting and that made me want to have a quick comment about it.
I feel like the short story format is perfect for what you've written - any longer and I feel it would've outstayed it's welcome. Any less, we would have been deprived of a story. The length of this particular idea is really appropriate, and made me enjoy it more.
The characters are wonderful for such a short presence too. The father I believe is especially powerful. His transition from a man who has his daughters interests at heart, to an almost bullylike persona is great, but what really sold it is the bully persona coming in useful when faced with the unknown; even though he was slightly cruel, I felt the daughter was always going to be safe with him. This is very well written, well done!
The story is somewhat empty... but this is the strength I think. I feel that with a little more description, some more world building and imagery, this piece could be far better than it is now. The story goes nowhere - but oddly I like this. The hellish vibes are there from the beginning, and there is little surprise when it is revealed, but this allows me to focus elsewhere. If this was intentional, I'm impressed. If this was an accident, by all means do it again on purpose some other time!
Little cliched at the end but I can forgive it. Your introduction is really colourful, and I think it's my favourite section of the entire piece.
Yes, with a little more fleshing out, this could definitely improve. But as it stands, I actually enjoyed this piece when I looked at it a little more.
Thankyou for the read! Enjoyed it!
-Kieren
Woah. I'm not sure what happened, but it was cool. This story reminds me of the pied piper. (I know I spelled it wrong.) Is there going to be more to this? And is the woman from the chasm? I must know! XD
You spelled that right. It's loosely inspired by the danse macabre/dance of death/Totentanz, if you've ever heard of that.