I hold her hand as I peer through a crack into the void, it is dark, deep, endless. This wasn't here before. Why is it here now? What was done to summon this emptiness? I turn her, suddenly, my hand is empty and she is gone.
I look up, begging her to come back, but the void stands between us. Why would she leave me? She stands with another. Has she replaced me? The void grows wider, ever wider. I plead to her, please don't go. My word are empty, silent, audible only to myself. Why would I allow her to see how weak I am? How could she help? With fake reassurances and lies? No. I need the real her, not her pity. I replace cries for help with broken, bleeding, boasts of strength.
Why won't she help? Doesn't she realize that I am hurting? Can't she tell that I am weak? I sit on the other side of the void wearing a mask of happiness as the void grows and grows, waiting for her to notice me.
I grab for the other, the one she has replaced me with, maybe if I stand close to the other, the other will accept me and help me close the void. Or, at least, I will be able to see her, the real her, up close again as she comes to get the other. But, instead, the void pushes the other away too, and the other returns to her side.
I am angry, I know what I'll do, I'll make them pay. The void becomes all encompassing, before it has a chance to harm or affect her my anger turns to sorrow, regret, jealousy, and shame.
I am swallowed by the void that I have created, the void that threatens to surround me, and fill me with lies and blame. And so I fall, watching small flames of hope appear, some fading on their own, the others extinguished by me.
Despite the emptiness around me, through me, I do not feel empty, I feel sorrow, dissapointment, betrayal. I know that there is only one who has caused me this, only one responsible for this void. And, as I let go of the last shards of my delusion, I realize who that one is:
me
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,593 Literary Works • 672,612 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well...this was an interesting little story here...didn't quite expect to see such a deep story for something titled the void but I was pleasantly surprised with the hidden message in this one.
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay....wait...whaa....well..certainly a very interesting start there...manages to plunge you right into the middle of a mystery and I love that. Also the void seems like a pretty interesting place there as well, this is definitely sounding like it will be a pretty cool story here right off the bat. Well let's see where it is headed I suppose.
Okay...this is taking some interesting turns here...looks like the narrator here is pleading with someone that managed to make it over the void and now they can't back to her or she's not coming back to them...well something or the other, I suppose this void is probably more metaphorical and speaking of a distance forming between two former friends from the way this is written, and not an actual...well..void. It certainly seems to match with the thought patterns here of thinking they should be strong, and they don't want to get her to come back by showing they're weak.
Hmm...looks like that distance is just going to keep increasing there, this person appears to be trying to mask their sadness as best as possible but also somehow willing the one that left to see it through the mask and come back.
Hmm...well that doesn't appear to be headed anywhere good, it looks like they tried to reach for another common friend perhaps and somehow that managed to make their ties even further apart because they also created a void between them. Hmm, well its getting worse for our narrator here.
Well...looks like there was a bit of an overreaction to there to that loss of friendship but they managed to catch themselves and make some sort of amends before things got out of hand and people ended up being heart. That sounds like a good thing there.
Okay...not entirely sure what the flames of hope might represent there, especially after you say he falls into the void that he created himself...I assume perhaps some sort of depression maybe...its hard to tell quite what this part is about.
Hmm, well big reveal moment there, it was certainly being hinted at right from the very start, but well, that is quite a startling revelation there when they realize that all these things were caused by them all along.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a pretty neat little story....hmm....and I hope I managed to interpret things correctly here, I may have over thought some things cause I am very prone to doing that..xD
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Your distinct writing style is very apparent here. The way you don't use character names is intriguing. Saying that, I think you should either find an alternative you can go back and forth with for "the other," or find a way to directly use that character's title less. Also, I understand that you, or your character, are experiencing several feelings in this piece and feel many of them at the same time. However, it becomes repetitive when you continually just state them as "I feel this way, this way, this way, and this way." You could evoke more interest if you described the emotions, and the way they interact together. I think that the use of the word begging at the very first sign of her being gone was confusing and excessive to me as a reader. There was opportunity for you to describe the work up to when you realized she wasn't coming back, and then begging. When she first leaves, I think it would translate better if it were something like "I look up, searching for where she's gone. When I realize she's just across from me, I'm relieved, and start to call out, before I realize the void has already tugged her out of my grasp. Why did she leave?" I really don't understand the line that talks about "broken, bleeding, boasts of strength." Despite all that, I really did like your story. Your writing style actually reminds me a lot of my own, and the desperate need you have comes across very well. I know writing from a personal place, it can be hard to keep your writing in-check for things like grammar and reader appeal, but writing is about honing that and using your emotion to improve the writing. You have the expressing part down, it's just the finer details you need to work on. Keep writing!
This is so sad. I can feel the emotion put into this piece. You did really well describing the void and how it slowly envelops you, and I can really see it clearly in my mind.
I liked when you said "wearing a mask of happiness". It works whether you take it literally and imagine an actual "mask of happiness", or you take it metaphorically and just imagine a smile. (Personally I think it's cooler if you take it literally.)
Also, I think at the very end when you say "I realize who that one is," maybe add a colon instead of a comma. I think it would fit better, since you're listing a person.
Great job!
Ok, I added the colon. Thank you!
The way you've represented this story and interpreted what's going on for you is very interesting.
Your emotions must be very distraught at the moment. It is always quite unpleasant when someone leaves us for another. However, as dark as things seem, they will get better.
The raw emotions you are feeling right now, can help you with your creativity. As depressing as it seems, you can use this for inspiration, like you have with this story.
I like the imagery and representation you have used in this story. In all it is simply beautiful, a story full of tender issues. I believe, that this goes to show that you are quite capable of doing great things despite the hurt you are feeling.
Sorry if I'm not making sense.
Also, welcome to Young Writers Society, it is a great place and hopefully you will enjoy it here.
~ Lee
Thank you! Things are, and will work themselves out slowly. And believe it or not, this is more about a VERY close friendship than a relationship!