The wealth of time
That will stir and grow
Is greater than
Any man can know.
For all his words,
He shall never sieze
Or grasp all 'Life's
Oppurtunites.
The sun will set
On another day,
Leaving the man
To drift astray.
And when a thief
Comes and slits his neck,
He'll fade to be
But another speck.
The lines of men
Shall come and go
Just as the tides
Ebb and flow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
I love it! Well written!!!
I actually do like this poem.
However, this poem sounds like I've heard it before. The actual subject 'Man's morality' is very ... basic. And, if you did base your poem on another work, perhaps, you wrote this after reading a work, I would edit your poem so the connection is very thin.
Also, since you are using such imagery as waves and sun, you should deepen what that means. Thousands of poems use waves and sun, so make yours stand out.
I do particularly LOVE your reference to Man dying as a 'line' or 'assembly line.'
I do see great insight but the execution wasn't up to par.
Good though!
I think this is a great subject, and I'm impressed that you actually wrote about man's morality. I enjoyed it a great deal.
This stanza is almost in iambic dimeter. If you don't know what that means, iambic is too syllables that go Stressed--unstressed. Dimeter means two groups of the two syllabled iambic. Read this stanza out loud and you can hear the rhythm and the four syllables per line. Except the last one. If you wrote "Will ebb and flow", then it would be perfect. (If this explanation of iambic dimeter doesn't make sense, just PM me and I'll clarify it, if you want).Although your poem is nice enough without a set rhythm, I think you should have used one. Why? Because you are writing about tides, which go back and forth and have a set rhythm. I think it would have had a greater effect on the reader if you could have done what you were writing about. Check this out-->
I don't want to change your writing style; I like it and I think it works very well. I do think that using a rhythm would make this poem more effective. Next--->
"Neck"just doesn't come naturally. It makes sense, but it trips up my tongue. As said above, "throat" works better, but then you have the dilemma of the last line. I don't know.
All around, it's a good simple poem. I like the message and the imagery. The last line is a great clincher. It goes back and reiterates the beginning idea of tides. Good job!
I really enjoyed that poem--the stanzas were simple, but I really felt the mood and could visualize it quite clearly.
As usual, I have nothing helpful to say because a) everyone else already said it, and b) I'm no expert on the subtle subject of poetry
My favourite stanza was the last one; it ended the poem quite nicely and seemed to ring in my ears after I read it.
Great job!
-Ayra
This was really great, and the flow was fantastic. The rhyming scheme is handled really well throughout, and made it very easy to read.
I think I'd change the second line to "that stirs and grows" for the sake of the rhythm.
I'm not sure about the fourth stanza. The content is great, but your rhythm is a bit off.I think I'd try;
"And when a (insert one word adjective...I'm sorry, I can't think of a good one right now)
theif slits his neck
He'll fade to be
Another speck."
Actually, maybe you could try "slits his throat", and change the fourth line accordingly. (boat, coat, dote, float, goat, moat, note, wrote, stoat, tote, wrote...lots of options here.)
I think I'd put "tides" on the same line as "Ebb and flow", or else put a new word before "ebb" like "do" or "fast" or anything better which you can think of.
Anyway, this was a really great piece. I hope this helps.
Jas
This was good, I really liked it.
You used a different rhyming scheme and it went well.
Cut his neck, wow.
Why not make it something else like slice or slid, because it was so well written until you come to the cut neck part. It suddenly breaks the mood.
Well that's just me.
The last stanza was a great ending.
Well done!
This is a pretty good piece of work. The fourth stanza is my favorite, so violent.
This is actually pretty good
I was impressed because even though you've used the traditional rhyming scheme - I use this a lot and now I'm growing fonder of the non-rhyming schemes of poetry - so when I read it I though; a simple scheme for actually, a serious rather controversial issue maybe.
I think the one thing I would say is that you should cut the "Forvever" from the last like so it just reads "Ebb and flow". This gives it a better flow I think.
Good work.
I totally agree with Kim. I especially loved the last stanza.
this is awesome, this flowed and was easy to read and visualize. i love it.
kim