This is a very different work from my other works. I haven't invested that much in this project (I'm focusing on some other works at this moment), but I decided this one has potential for later on. Please comment. And please press the like button if you like it--I like to know.
Dear Lawsuit Man/Woman,
I was told to tell you about my case, and now I am. And I hope I will not have to pay a fee, or get landed in juvenile detention, because I believe what I did was right. Here’s my letter. Or my autobiography. It’s a tad long, but a lot of it will help me, I hope.
I know you probably will think that this is silly or extensive. And I suppose it is in a way. And you may wonder why I’m telling you all that I’m about to tell you, but this isn’t only for you. It’s for everybody, because I want everybody to know what it’s like to live on earth in a little horse-town that sometimes make me feel like I’m in the middle of freaking nowhere even though we’re actually on the outskirts of Atlanta. And I want people to know what’s it’s like to be grown up and yet locked in a school, and to have friends and yet no friends, and to go mad. This isn’t only for you. It’s for everybody.
Here’s why I did what I did.
Proceed.
Chapter
1
I’m not a superb writer. I won’t lie. I may just be a failure. I like to write, but let’s be frank, I suck at it. But Ronnie is really good. It’s too bad she can’t write the letter for me.
Ronnie is good at everything. She hates math, but she still has an eighty-something in the class, and she’s in AP Calculus, which is pretty good. She hates science, and I admit she totally sucks at earth science, but she did pretty well for biology and physics, a steady A. She’s so really good at history and English, because she can recite all of the wars from the Crusades to the Afghan War, and she can tick off her fingers all of the rules of grammar and stuff. Not me. Okay, I admit, I am really good at geography and history, but not so much in English. I love to read and like to write, but that’s not really what English class is all about. It’s a bit different. It kind of sucks sometimes.
My main things I’m good at:
--Reading (J.K. Rowling I love you)
--Music (I’m sort of like that lead singer of Beirut, the multi-instrumentalist prodigy. It’s unfortunate my parents won’t let me drop out of high school)
--Acting
Acting is sort of what brought me and Ronnie to friendship. It started with our middle school productions. Our middle school was famous for amazing musicals. For one, only seventh and eighth graders were allowed to play older characters, so that everybody looked old enough. And it wasn’t like they tried to go easy on us or anything like that. They pushed us hard. They made us sing every song with perfection. If there was a love role, you were required to kiss. Like, not that little cute quick kiss that they made kids do at most middle schools. You know, just a momentary peck. Or worse, where one kid turns their back to the audience and pretend to kiss their lover, and the jip is real obvious to the crowd and they’re just like, “Oh, the little darlings.” I mean real kisses (which is what middle school students do outside of school, so nobody should actually make a big deal about doing it in a play).
Our friendship was not that complex blooming like it was with Harry and Ron and Hermione. It didn’t have a lot of transitions or anything. It was sort of like we became friends starting in seventh grade. It just came.
We were at auditions for The Sound of Music. We were in middle school at the time. There were a lot of people at the auditions. More than two hundred students, just in one day. I’m telling you, our musicals are a big deal. And since there were plenty of roles to fill in with all seven of the children and Maria and the father and the Nazis and Rolf and that other woman and the nuns, everyone felt like they had a pretty good chance of landing a spot. I was nervous, and I could tell she was too. She was just a few steps away.
“Hi, Ansel,” Ronnie greeted.
“Oh, hi, Ronnie.”
Yeah, we already knew each other. We’d actually known each other since we were really young, back in first grade. That’s when she first started calling herself Ronnie. She was really getting into Harry Potter at that point, and had this huge crush on Ron Weasley. That day she was wearing a Hogwarts sweatshirt over a flannel shirt. She looked like she was actually attending Hogwarts.
“Who are you hoping to get?”
I shrugged. “Any of the brothers. Maybe Rolf, it would be fun to sing that duet."
She shrugged, too, smiling. “Yeah, I’m hoping for Maria or Liesl.”
“Those are good characters.”
And then I was like, Woah, those are some crazy eyes. She looked liked the Afghan girl on the front of the National Geographic magazine. I would fall right through if I stepped into those eyes. I knew her for six years. Like, not that well. We had only managed to get a few classes together in those six years. But still, I should've noticed her eyes before.
"You've got amazing eyes," I blushed as soon as I had said it. Like, really why would I say that?
"Oh--oh, thanks." She was not perturbed.
"I mean, like, I didn't mean to say that..." Real smooth, Ansel.
"You're not the only one who's thought that," Ronnie smoothed back her hair. "They're kind of strange."
"No, I mean, they're really cool."
"Thanks, nobody has ever told me that before."
I wanted to tell her that her eyes reminded me of a song I had heard, and I wasn't quite sure why. Like, I thought of The Rip Tide. Not Riptide by Vance Joy. The Rip Tide by Beirut. It's sort of a haunting song, like its sound is going to close all around you. Even the Gulag Orkestar, which is an amazing song about genocide camps (again by Beirut, they're really amazing).
I didn't really know what I was in for. I didn't know that her eyes would become truth.
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Canary word: Present
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Hm, interesting.
Based on what I'm seeing, Ansel is a kid who has been in some sort of trouble, and with the title and Ronnie being central...well, I won't say what I think.
The paragraph where Ansel praises Ronnie seems a bit too long to me. It has a bit too much fluff to me. In the middle, I already know she is a good student, and by the end, I'm a bit tired of hearing of her. I would cut "... but she has an eighty-something the class..." and change the "and" to "but". I would also shorten the science sentence similarly. The two sentences also seem redundant unless you're trying to get the point across that the narrator is a a terrible writer.
And like EPIC said, I would shorten the seventh paragraph. I would cut out most of the stuff about how the kids fake kisses. Put the mention of the fake kiss and then the reality of actual kisses in the same sentence somehow.
Anyway, I'm just nit-picking, and I think it's definitely got potential. Keep writing!
Hi, ElderOne. Nice to see you again.
Ummm......there is a reason I put such a long paragraph praising Ronnie, and it won't make sense now, and I understand your criticism. You'll see later on if I post what happens next (if anyone has any personal questions concerning spoilers, feel free to private message me).
I will take the sentence-things into consideration. I am trying to stress that he is a totally bad writer, yes. You will see him improve over time as he goes on with his letter/autobiography. Shorten seventh paragraph--got it. Kisses-thing--will try.
Thanks so much!
Hi.
I like how you have drawn us as readers in by starting the story off in the future or where you are now (if that makes sense).
I really like this first chapter and I hope to read more of it soon. I hope you continue this story because it's amazing!!!
My favourite part was when you described her eyes- 'And then I was like, Woah, those are some crazy eyes. She looked liked the Afghan girl on the front of the National Geographic magazine. I would fall right through if I stepped into those eyes.' <-- This is brilliant, really creative.
I can't really find anything to critique except for maybe shortening the seventh paragraph because it seems a little too long. Other than that this story is almost perfect so I think I'll leave this very short review here.
I'm glad you have decided that this story has potential because it really does and good for you for writing outside your comfort zone, well done!
Please, please, please continue this story and I will be on the look out for when you publish the next chapter!!!!!
Happy writing
-EPICno.1
Will try shortening seventh paragraph. I love that Afghan girl--she's so cool looking. Thanks so much!
No problem
Accidentally submitted my review again, oops...
But... my names Ronnie...
There's honestly not that much here to review so I'll just try doing what I can. First off I want to say that I really enjoyed this small bit that you've written and I think that you should definitely continue this story. It seems to me that this is going to get kind of dark in someways, I think I feel that its going to get dark because if i'm correct, Ronnie gets made fun of because of her eyes. I'm hoping to see more of this soon!
I only have one nitpick, the last sentence
"I didn't really what I was in for. I didn't know that her eyes would become truth."
I think you might of forgot a word here.
"I didn't really KNOW what I was in for. I didn't know that her eyes would become truth."
Well, that's about all for my review, hope to see more of this story soon!
Rating: 9.5
+1 Follower *Thumbs Up*
Oh, yeah, you're right. I was kind of not listening to what I was writing. Thanks!
This sounds really interesting, Star. I think you should definitely continue it. It's also really important to get out of your comfort zone and write differently than normal to mature your writing, so I think you should go for it. See what happens.
Have fun,
Joy
Thank you! Yeah, it is important to branch out a little. If you've ever viewed any of my other works on here, you would see that this takes on a very (italicized) different voice then anything I've written before.
Thanks for your read!