Author's Note: This is the first chapter of a story I have been working on for a while. This is the first draft so it maybe a little "rough" in places. I am no grammar wizard, so please give me suggestions. I do reread over my stuff but many times I miss simple mistakes.
I don't really like the title so much.As I post more chapters, hopefully I can get suggestions for a better one. I rated this 16+ to be on the safe side, there is some language people might find offensive.
Thank for taking your time to read this first chapter!
Chapter 1
He just stood there his eyes questioning. Alan looked away trying to focus on something else anything but those dark eyes. Alan looked around Ahbi's room. It was a plain room there was a single mattress in the middle and the walls were bare except for a monthly calendar by the door. Ahbi looked at Alan and tried to ask the question again.
“Are we friends?” Ahbi asked with his thick Indian accent.
“Yes, of course we are” Alan lied trying desperately trying to avoid eye contact.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes I am sure”
“ You really sure?”
“ I am really sure”
“Really really?”
“Really, really.”
“Absolutely positively without question sure?'
“Yes, I am absolutely positively without question really really sure!”
“How can I be sure that you are telling me the truth?”
He looked into Ahbi's eyes,“ Look Ahbi I am really sick of these stupid questions. We are friends, we will always be friends. Nothing in the world can change that ” he smirked “ think of it like we are, um, secret friends. Yeah, secret friends.”
“ What is a secret friend?”
“Hmm we are friends but no one can know about it.”
“No one can know?”
“Yeah no one and I do mean no one, Ahbi.”
“but why?”
“It's complected. Look I can't be seen with you. It's not against you, it's I have an image that I need to keep.”
“Image what do you mean? Can we still hang out?”
“ Hang out? Yes we can hang but again no one can know about it.”
“ OK. Alan.”
Alan felt slightly upset, he knew that lying to Ahbi was wrong. He didn't want to be seen with Ahbi. He didn't have any other choice his parents wanted him to be friends with Ahbi. His mom had told him it was good for Ahbi to have American friends. Alan thought that his parents never wanted him to be cool, they want him to be lame like they were. There was a gentle knock on Ahbi's door, breaking Alan's thoughts.
“Ahbi?” asked his mother
“Yes, mum?'
“ Are you alright in there?”
“Yeah we are alright mum.”
“ Would you guys like some soda?”
“ Sure I would, you Alan?” Alan shook his head in agreement.
“Yeah, we both would like some. “
“Alright. Is Coca-Cola good?”
“Yes” they both said unanimously.
Ahbi's mother walked away to get the soda. They sat in silence for what seemed like an hour. Then Ahbi went into his closet and pulled out a cardboard box.
“Alan come here! I want to show you something” Ahbi motioning Alan to come over to him and look what was in the box. Alan walked over and looked into the box. Ahbi eyes lit up with excitement, in the box were hundreds of Superman comics. Alan chuckled to himself .
“Superman, huh?”
“ Yeah Superman, isn't he awesome?”The excitement never leaving Ahbi face.
Alan picked up a Superman comic and flipped through the pages, slowly. He brain soaked in every last colored picture and panel. While his thumb went through each page, he smiled and laughed to himself.
“ Don't you think you are too old for Superman comics?” putting the comic book down.
Ahbi smiled” You're never too old.”
“Well superheros are for younger elementary school kids, don't you think? We are going into 7th grade in a few months don't you think it's time we acted older?”
“You don't understand. I am Superman”
“What do you mean?”
“ I am Superman.” Ahbi struggled to get the words out, “Superman was an alien to this planet, trying to figure out how to handle this planet. I am an alien to this country trying to figure out, how to handle your customs and culture. I can relate.”
“ That is ridiculous superheros are stuff of fantasy.”
Ahbi looked sad, “ I thought would appreciate Superman, but I guess not.”
“Knock, knock'” said Ahbi's mother as she walked in the room carrying a tray with the soda and some Oreo cookies.
“ Is this a bad time?'Getting not answer from anyone, she just looked at her son. She then walked over to her son and placed the tray on the floor next to him, kiss him on the head, then walked out the door closing it behind her.
“ Ahbi I am sorry.”
“I thought we were friends.”
“We are friends! I told you we are just secret friends.”
“but what does that mean?”
“I told you. Do I have to repeat this over and over?”
“ I just want you to like me.” Ahbi said with a tear rolling down his cheek.
Alan grabbed his shoulders and looked into his eyes and said “ I am your friend. Nothing can or will change that! We will be friends forever. But remember just make no mention of us being friends.”
Ahbi wiped the tear from his check and he said he understood.
“Alan!” called Ahbi's mother startling Alan“ your mum is here!”
He heard muffled voices from down the hall coming closer. He got up as if nothing had happened and walked to the door. He saw his mother from down the hall and he ran to her.
“Come on mom let's go” he said as he was running.
Alan's mom ignored him as she kept talking to Ashanti, Ahbi's mother. He heard bits and pieces of what they were saying but he was not paying attention. He heard the word birthday party tossed around and McDonald's. All Alan cared about was getting out of Ahbi's apartment.
“Mom let's go!”
“Okay sweetie, just a minute.”
“Bye, Alan” Ahbi yelled down the hall as he closed his room door. Alan mumbled a weak goodbye and opened the apartment door and walked out.
Alan ran down the stairs and out the apartment entrance door and into his mom's car. He waited as his mom got in the driver's seat a few minutes later. She backed out of the parking spot and started to drive home.
“ What the hell was that?” his mom said firmly.
“I don't know” he said solemnly
“What do you mean 'I don't know'? I am sick of this crap. You're not five! I was talking to Ashanti but you just had to go that very instant. Why don't you like them?Ahbi and his parents are nice people.”
“ Mom they're Fobs!”
“ What? they're what?”
“ Fobs, you know”
“ No I don't know enlighten me, Alan.”
“ Fob means Fresh Off the Boat”
She hit him on the back of the head and said “ Me and your step dad haven't raised you to talk like that.”
“ But mom they are fobs! I mean his name is Ahbi. It sounds like Abby which is a girl's name, duh. His house smells funny and his mom wears weird dress scarf looking things. You might as well just put a sign around their necks saying 'look at us we are foreigners'”
“ They might be different from us but his father worked very hard for their family to get into the country. So you should be nice to them be accepting of them.”
“Whatever” Alan mumbled under his breath.
The car then pulled into the driveway.
“ Wait until your step father hears about this.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,758 Reviews
Thank you so much for your review! oh and I like your first quote in your signature! It's from Carmen the "rapper" is it not? haha I only say "rapper" in quotes 'cause he is not much of a rapper. But of course I just rambling you probably have no idea who Carmen was. He was a Christian Rapper from the late 80's/ early 90's.
Hi! I'm Narniafreak!
First, I actually liked it. At first, I didn't know what this was going to be about, but it was good! So great job! I found some mistakes so I'll point those out. There are some punctuations problems, so I'll address one and let you fix the other places. Also, a few times you added an extra space or left some out which is okay since it's probably just a typo [I do that all the time]. I noticed a few tense mistakes to. If you read it out loud they might show up better than just reading it. I definitely wanted to slap Alan at the end there. =]
You forgot the comma at the end of the dialogue here. Other places you just forgot also or a period. Here's a link to correct dialogue punctuation, if you want to take a look. topic41705.html
"complected" should be spelled "complicated". Also, to make the last sentence flow better, add a just after it's.
You tend to use Ahbi a lot in this paragraph. I think it's because you're trying to distinguish between Alan and Ahbi, but it gets a little repetitive. For example, instead of saying "There was a gentle knock on Ahbi's door..." You could use "There was a gentle knock on the door"
When you use shook at first I thought he meant no until I read in agreement. So, to avoid confusion you might want to put "Alan nodded his head in agreement" or another word like that.
There's nothing wrong with this sentence, but I like it. That would definitely describe me, excited about Superman. =]
This isn't a complete sentence. It doesn't tell us who put the comic book down.
Probably just a typo, but not should be no. Also, maybe instead of saying from anyone, you could say "from either boy".
Well, that's all I could find, but I'm no grammar wizard either. So, keep writing and if you ever need another review PM. =]
-Narniafreak!