Published May 10, 2011
Hands shaking
Lips slightly quivering
We talked.
But this wasn't just a talk
No.
This wasn't a lets try to fix this talk.
This was a 'Can we talk?' talk.
And in this 'Can we talk?' talk there was one voice
Her voice,
but it wasn't her voice as Ive known it
it was a 'Can we talk?' voice
And in this 'Can we talk?' voice I heard no sympathy
no compassion, nor sincerity like her past voice had.
Lord was her past voice magnificent
pure ecstasy ran though my veins when she had told me she loved,
but that seems to have been a lifetime ago.
Now she couldn't even look at
the rare occasions that she did
I saw that it wasn't even her eyes that I glanced back at.
It was 'Can we talk?' eyes
they were Death,
the pupils are dark abyss that sucked the life right out of me.
Unlike her past eyes,
eyes that were Life,
they could bring hope to a man on death row.
Who was talking to me?
Who was looking at me?
I'm a damn fool
I still felt her warm glow
I still heard her beautiful voice
I still saw the eyes of a goddess.
Even in this 'Can we talk?' talk I felt at peace
Christ even in a break up she provided sincerity.
What the hell?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
thanks for the review and yeah my 45 second revising and editing didnt catch all the mistakes but im not gonna change it. thats my final work rather its crap or not.
as for the profanity you are right it was unneeded and a bit of poor taste but felt like writing and thats what came up so i really dont care if anyone is offended by it or thinks less of the work because of it.
Thanks for reading a reviewing!
I thought this was a bit unnecessary, just an extra "profanity" that wasn't needed.
Over all, I thought this poem was great, I LOVED the idea. Just a few grammar corrections and wording SUGGESTIONS, but if you made it purposely like that, then that's great, more power to you.