Published March 8, 2011
Hey, I just wrote this kind of on the spot, typing into the submit bit. Hope you like it 
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hey! cool poem, I don't really have anything to criticise (other members have already mentioned the things I was going to say.) I thought that this was the right length and even though the rhyming was a little off, it flowed quite well.
That was my favourite stanza. I don't know why, I guess I just liked the mood in this and the wotrding, if you get what I mean.
Well done ;D
Wow. This poem made me shiver. In a good way. I love stories, poems, etc. that draw out some kind of emotion. I also love how you shaped the poem. Each verse almost looked like a razor blade. And this might seem odd, but it even read like a razor to me. Choppy, but not in a bad way. In a way that made the poem flow. I know, that sounds strange, but it makes sense in my head.
Excellent poem for just writing it on the spot! :)
Hey there,
First point I'd recommend to you before I start the review is that you remove the poll straight away. People have the option to click "Like" if they do like your poem. A poll with a piece of submitted work requesting an opinion, though perhaps a beneficial prospect to you at first, is something that deters people from reviewing or even reading your poem. Then again, it's upto you.
The poem:
The structure and short length of the lines that breaks up your poem into a natural rhythm is great and has an element of style within it, one I actually quite admired. However I would suggest that you try to not deflate the effect with a lack of attention to where you're adding in punctuation. For example in this stanza:
The comma after the first line "Hopefully" is something that ruins the build up to that point. Get rid of it and there's instant improvement in your poetry's fluency. If you're ever not too sure about how your poem rhythmically flows or the fluency ask a friend to read it aloud and just listen or ask for some peer advice.
This stanza's final two lines don't quite work - they're not making much sense:
You'll either need to put a "the" modifier at the start of the final line or perhaps say "last of all your fears" - it's just a suggestion but at the moment you've got the content but lacking the connective flow.
Hope this helped, keep writing.
Ben
Other than those few errors, I really liked the poem
Hey! Haven't reviewed in a while and I'm still new so sorry if I'm not helpful.
I really liked this, most of my poems are about this topic.
I thought it was good but the rhyme kind of goes in the last stanza, or maybe I just read wrong.
Everything else was great, I loved how it flows and the emotion is very well portrayed.
Hope this helps!!
1) You misspelled "executing," 2) "my pain" sounds off, because you really don't have to tell me that the pain is yours, and 3) What happens to the rhyme scheme after this? It just sort of disappears....
This was pretty short, but I hope it was at least a little helpful.
-Kafka
Hey Waterlillygirl!
For just writing this on the spot - i think its excellent!
It's not very long, so i dont think more of a background is necessary. If it was more lengthy, i think it'd benefit the piece to have a little more information on what happened. But for its length now, i think everything tied together perfectly.
I could really feel your emotion, which, anytime your feelings flood someone else, you know you've done well.
Keep writing!
-PurpleHeart