It flooded her ears, blocking her hearing. It surrounded her head, rendering her unable to breathe. It enveloped her shoulders, providing her with a shocking chill. It crept up her legs, like a spider, small, but scary.
She was falling headfirst, her arms laid on top of one another in front of her, her head sandwiched between her arms.
As her feet left the ground, she pushed her body forward, then started pumping. While her chest pushed forward, her hips pushed back, and as her hips pushed forward, her chest moved back. Her legs were glued together, knees bending in sync, rhythmically pumping. This was a repeated pattern, continuing until she was had withdrawn herself from it.
Only her back of her body was not submerged. The front of her body, face, and legs were covered with it. Even if she was to reach for something dry, to heave herself onto safety, it would drip from her. It was hard to rid herself of it. Even water would not rid it; simply replace the old with new. Even if she was to find a way to get rid of it, it would take time. It would not simply disappear from her skin in seconds.
She pulled one arm forward, bringing it up above her head, pushing it behind her and propelling herself forward. She repeated the movement with her other arm. All the while, she pumped her legs up and down, her feet alternately kicking it, but all the while kicking nothing.
Ferociously, she continued to pump, kick, and move her arms until she reached land. She felt a small, brief whisper of a solid surface before it was gone again. She had turned, and was repeating the process.
Because, for her, safety was not wanted. It was abandoned a long time ago, ever since she had begun this addiction. The danger was craved, although, with practice, it was no longer really a danger. It flooded her ears, blocking her hearing. It surrounded her head, rendering her unable to breathe. It enveloped her shoulders, providing her with a shocking chill. It crept up her legs, like a spider, small, but scary.
NOTE: I would appreciate it if you could leave a comment with what you think is happening so I can know if this is a good description or not.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey there!
When I began reading this story, I thought it was going to be somewhat like a horror story or something like that. I was completely wrong. I had to read through the story multiple times before I could form a picture in my mind what was going on. At the first paragraph, I thought there was a monster or another being overtaking her, but that was wrong. Then I thought she was turning into something else like a mermaid. I know that sounds weird, I'm just saying what I thought. Anyways, the mermaid idea lead me to believe that the character is a swimmer doing the butterfly stoke and that is what she specializes in. I'm not sure if that's what you meant to write this as, but that's my guess.
The description of how *It* was enveloping her, and covering her body in a certain way, and blocking out her hearing were major clues that support my guess. The only problem in my theory is that you mention the word water would not rid of *It*, so I'm still not completely sure if water and swimming is what you were trying to portray.
Even though it took a couple of read-troughs before I gathered together a hypothesis, I think the story had a good flow. I didn't find any grammatical errors and everything was well described, even though the reader is not completely sure what is being described.
Keep writing!
-Jade
Bye the way, I forgot to mention: Welcome to Young Writer's Society!
Hmm... Well. The thing I do know is she's diving into a pool and then swimming laps. As for it[/], the obvious answer would be water, but I don't think that's what you're getting at if
What I'm thinking is maybe fear of some sort, of water, of competetion, of not bettering oneself, even of fearing the act of fearing and trying to overcome that. But that doesn't completely add up either, in my opinion.
My more sophisticated guess would be that [i]it is something she's trying to forget, be it a painful memory or the dreariness of everyday life, pushing it back.
Then again, I may be over-analyzing and it is just water, as it replaces the old water with new water, which would make sense after a fashion.
Guessing aside, I find this nicely crafted. It isn't easy capturing something simple and making it complicated, but I think you managed it well here. Cheers and applause your way. That's my time, then.
Your's truly,
Life.
The heck? My italications got all funky. *cringes* Meh, hope that isn't too much of a bother. Sorry about it.
I like the way that the first and last paragraphs were the same, its a good technique to use and I, personally, love it. However, I did find the whole thing rather confusing. How did she have her arms in front of her, but her head in between them? Where was the falling from? Was she swimming at the end? What addiction is it? I think it was all a little vague but it was a good start, and if you continued it you could possibly explain a little more? But don't be too outright because the mystery is good. That's just my opinion, you can do whatever you think fits. Don't think I'm criticising your story because I do think it's very good